Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/29/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi,

About a year ago, I had two roommates. One day, my former roommate screamed at me at the top of her lungs for about 15 minutes in a very horrible, nasty way filled with hatred. My other roommate and her looked at each other and smirked at each other after seeing how visibly upset I was.

Throughout the year she made some more comments about me that were nasty. Remarks about my small breast size, my weight, insulting me in front of large groups of people, etc.

Basically my two roommates were just looking for any flaw of mine so that they could pick on me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells with them.

I am a very nice, sweet lady and am friendly to everyone. I also happen to be very beautiful and used to model. My roommates were morbidly obese and so everyone used to tell me how jealous they were of me and how much hatred they had for me since I got all the sexual attention from men and they didn't get any.

A year has gone by and I'm still traumatized internally by that incident. I notice I have become very bitter and defensive and very shaken.

I lived for 8 months with these girls and was harassed by them constantly. I was innocent, sweet, and nice, and they took advantage out on me.

I have nightmares about her screaming at me and I'm still very upset about it. I keep having these flashbacks.

I've moved out of there and I will never see any of these people again for the rest of my life. But after being screamed at with that much hatred, the scars have not faded.

What do I do? How can I get over this? I am still very much traumatized.

thank you

ANSWER: Hello!

This story sounds familiar. Did you write to me before about this? If not, my apologies. Either way, it's not important.

Normally, I'd recommend that you use a reframe technique to deal with this, but I think your situation may be too severe to deal with this way. I'll give you that tool in a moment, but I think you should consider counseling. A professional can do far more than I can here with a few tools and in a few messages. It sounds like your life is being negatively affected by this trauma, and that requires the help of someone right there, local, that can guide you through the healing process.

A "reframe" is a mental tool where you change your association with a person or an event. Right now, every time you relive that event, you include all the negative emotions about it right along with your memory. These powerful emotions serve to reinforce the event and keep it alive for you. That's why you're not getting over it. In effect, you're programming your own subconscious mind to continue to own it and thus, you also continue to relive it over and over again - each time with just the same trauma, fear, anxiety, etc., that you had when it first happened - maybe even more so!

So, here's how you use the reframe technique:

First, you're going to have to repeat this process every day for at least a few weeks - maybe a month or longer - until these episodes dwindle and finally disappear. Think about this: you continue to relive it over and over again anyway, so this is why you have to use this tool over and over again too. Think of reliving this event as digging a hole - which is pretty deep right now - and think of this reframe tool as filling it back in. You have a lot of shoveling to do!

Find a place in your home, at work or wherever that you know you can have 10 to 15 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time. You need to sit and be comfortable. Turn off the phones and any other distraction like a TV or radio so you can just be quite for a few minutes.

As you sit, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and calm yourself. Get into a comfortable; even confident "zone" for a few moments. Then, when you feel you're there, start to imagine the traumatic event you're trying to get rid of.

Let yourself begin to feel the anxiety of that event and see it in your minds eye just as it happened. See the faces of these bitches getting all red and angry at you and isolate that fear and intimidating you experienced. Do this for no more than a minute.

As you watch the scene play out in your mind, turn up the volume of it and make it brighter and even more clear in your mind. Notice how that actually escalates your emotions to it? That's important.

Next, turn DOWN the volume of it, and start watching the scene slow down to a complete, silent stop while the color of it just drains away to black and white. It may take a little practice to get this just right since you've been practicing it just the opposite for so long! That's ok, just keep working on it. What you're going to find is that as you do this, your emotions about it "turn down" as well! Your anxiety about it will begin to fade away just like the picture does!

Let's turn it down even further:

Next, make the still image of that idiot's face slowly recede into the background. Watch it get further and further away until it's just a tiny little picture way off in the distance. Notice how your emotions about it become tiny as well?

Then, let the picture fly behind you and finally, right off into sun where it makes a beautiful, colorful explosion and is gone!

Now, notice how you have almost no negative emotion about it left? Notice how you feel relieved, confident and comfortable? Now, turn UP those feelings about it! Make them grow and actually replace the negative ones you had before.

If you do this consistently every day, you're going to find that your trauma about it ends too. Eventually, it'll become a distance memory and you'll be rid of the problem.

Try this and see how it helps you, but if you don't get the results you need from it, consult a professional. You've got to get over this so you can move on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I'm doing what you say and it is helping tremendously. Thanks much.

In the future, if anyone screams at me with that much hatred, or personally attacks and insults me in front of people, how should I act? What should I say?

The main reason that I am so angry and traumatized now was because when it was occuring, I never reacted. I never fought her and I never told her off or yelled back or cursed her out.

Do you think it is possible that one day, she will regret how she treated me?

ANSWER: Hello again, Oh-Nameless-One!

I'm glad it's helping. When you get as far along as you did, sometimes it's a crap shoot and a professional is the only way to get past these things.

Keep in mind that you don't have to use reframes only to get over traumatic events. You can also use it to BUILD the sort of responses you want in yourself. For instance, once you do this technique to turn down all the negative emotions, you do just the opposite to turn up the responses you DO want. For instance, you start with a small, black and white picture of this idiot yelling at you and slowly make it bigger and in color. You also imagine yourself covering your mouth to stifle a laugh at her for being such a big, fat dope! Finally, you break out in a full belly-laugh at how ridiculous she seems and how little it has effected you.

This will build the exact sort of "who cares?" attitude you want to have when people are mean, jealous, etc.

Think about this: do you have any idea how much hate mail I get? (Actually, as far as I'm concerned, it's not enough! I *LOVE* my hate mail!) If I took it personally, I'd be a basket case. In fact, it makes me laugh and I always look forward to answering it back - in exactly the same tone it was written to me! What fun!

The point is this: you NEED to react to it. Your mother told you to always be nice. Stop that. Your mother isn't here to defend you any more. Be nice to everyone that earns it, and you now have my permission to be a jackass to those that earn THAT from you.

Finally, STOP THINKING about whether or not she'll regret it. That just gives her more power and validation in your mind. At the same time, it lessens your own value in your mind!

Who cares if she's proud of it or if she regrets it? That's not your problem at all. She gets to live with her own stupidity - all while others (of real quality I might add) reject her. That is her lot in life and you have your own.

Feel free to send me some hate mail and I'll show you how it's done!   ;)  Or, you can simply check the hate mail section of my website. Yes, I post them there for all to enjoy! Why should only I be having all the fun?

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: If someone screamed at you with that much hatred, a violent explosion of rage, etc. What is the way I should have reacted? what would you have done?

Answer
Hey!

What would I have done? I'd laugh at them, right in their face. Then, I'd feel badly about it later (but only a little!) knowing that they have some serious problems that have nothing to do with me.

Learn to stand up for yourself. You do that by starting to realize that you're a worthwhile person and that nobody else gets to make you feel any way THEY want to - you either accept it or stop it by your own thoughts and actions.

It all starts with belief in yourself. If you lack that you need to start hanging around people that see it and help you to begin instilling it in yourself.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"