Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/2/2008

Question
So, I have reread this message several times and I have come to the conclusion that I have completely and utterly lost my mind!!!! Like, holy shit Beth what are you thinking!!! Sorry, this is a little embarrassing and is completely new territory for me.

I’ve only been dating this guy for about 4 weeks but I am having some very intense feelings for him. I am usually the kind of girl who is (or at least tries to be) very level headed when it comes to relationships, thinking and probably over thinking everything before I make any kind of move. But nonetheless that doesn’t change how I feel about this particular guy. He makes me crazy! He has the incredible ability to make me laugh hysterically at any second during the day, and among numerous other things, he is ridiculously confident and so sexy! Ahhhhhh… he has charmed his way into my heart. I swear if he were to try anything I’d be like putty in his hands… which for me is a very strange feeling to have. But ironically and for whatever reason he is quite the gentlemen about it and hasn’t pushed me to do anything. He pretty much makes me lose all sense of coherent or rational thought. Yes, I am that infatuated… or whatever you would call it.

So, my questions concern sex. For starters, I’m 18, a freshman, and he is 21, a junior. I am 100% virgin and he is definitely not. (I haven’t told him this but I'm sure I might as well have a neon sign on my head that says so.) Basically, for the first time in my life, I think I actually want to have sex AND feel comfortable enough… or safe enough? (if that makes any sense at all)… with a guy to do it. I’m not the most experienced girl when it comes to dating/relationships and have never gotten close enough with a guy to even come close to feeling that way… especially not THIS quickly. However I have read through some of your answers, and you say that healthy relationship building includes sex. (right?) Well that’s what I want. But I would be lying to you if I did not admit that I am completely scared out of my mind to do it. My biggest fears aren’t even necessarily making a wrong choice about this or doing it when I'm “not ready,” but more because I have never been in such a vulnerable position before. Physically or mentally. I have no idea what to do, if I would do it right, or even how I would respond to him.  Will I be “good” at it, and if not will he be completely repulsed by me? Does he even want to have sex with me or like me enough to do so? If it doesn’t go well or work out, aside from being completely devastated, how will/should I handle it? If it DOES go well, what do I do then!?!?

I know you cannot read his mind, I'm just trying to describe my apprehension and all of these questions are just swarming around in my head. Basically, I'm really freaking out here, so if you have any advice or wisdom that would be greatly appreciated.  

Answer
Hello Amy!

I don't know what message you're referring to and I don't know who "Beth" is. Are you sure you're writing to the right person???

Ok, so you have incredible chemistry with this guy. That's terrific. What's all the anxiety about? Everybody has their first time. No, you're not going to be "good at it", but let's be clear about this: at his age, he isn't likely to be good at it either! Seriously!

This is a learning process. You girls are rather more complicated sexually than us guys are. It takes us a while to learn your special triggers - even though you (hopefully!) have learned them well through your own masturbation and fantasy.

I guarantee this however: regardless of your skills or experience, he's not going to be repulsed by you or having sex with you. Trust me on this!

Look Amy, sex is fun. Think of it like a game. There are few rules and just about everything is open. You get to communicate with each other in a very intimate way and that includes verbal communication too! You can tell him what you want and he can tell you what he wants. Don't be afraid of that at all. Simply think "possibilities" rather than "limitations".

Because there are very few rules (and you'll easily discover them along the way), don't be afraid of breaking them - you can't! You get to communicate with each other and discover each other as you go. In that way (and the fact that you girls are more complicated) we actually start off at about the same place - even virgins do!

He may not be able to or know how to move things forward with you. You may have to help him a little here. Obviously you and he need to have somewhere to go to be alone for a while - hopefully for a long while. Then, relax and just take it slow. Explore him and he'll do the same with you.

Also, if you don't have any yet, go get some condoms. Hopefully he'll have them with him, but it's BOTH of your responsibilities. Don't leave something so important up to just him - take responsibility for yourself too.

Finally, take a deep breath and go have FUN together. It's going to be a little awkward for both of you - it often even is with seasoned "sexperts" and usually takes being with someone for a long time before it's really natural. That's part of the fun!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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