Expert: L.E. Coleman - 12/30/2008

Question
Hello, I am a 36 year old black professional female and I am legally separated from my husband and currently going through a divorce. I am friends with a 43 year old single white male.  He is like my best friend.  We spend a lot of time talking on the phone and texting each other but he hasn't asked me out.  There have been days where we text eachother about sports, weather, things going on at work but never anything romantic. He sends me at least 20-30 test messages a week.  When we go out its usually in a group setting and he stares and smiles at me and occupies my time so that no one else can spend time with me.  He always makes time to see me at work or call me or text me but he hasn't asked me out.  He sends me e-mails that lead me to believe that he's interested in dating me but I can't be sure since he hasn't made his intent clear.  He goes out of his way to help me do things and never complains.  I am attracted to him and will never ask him out because I don't believe women should do that.  I don't know if he's interested in being more than just friends or if he's just being a nice guy.  Please help

Answer
Hi Lana.

You've probably heard this one before--but if I were you, I'd take my time on this one--that is, a least until the divorce is finalized and you've had time to go at it alone for a while. I know you've probably been separated for a while, but still, you want to take your time.

There's absolutely know way to know what's on your friend's mind without asking him, and I'm surprised that you still believe it's the man's job or role to do the asking, especially in this day and age.  Who makes the first move is a part of social conditioning and, with some people, a part of religious programming.  There's nothing wrong with you asking him out if you're really that interested.  If you think that's he's suppose to do it, that sort of thinking has more to do with your ego/mind and has no place when it comes to really attracting the man of your dreams.  As a matter of fact, whether your soul mate shows up totally depends upon you forgetting everything you know or think you know about roles and relationships. At this very moment, you're putting stipulations or conditions on who does what and how. That is to say, even at this infant stage of your relationship with this man, you want to control how the courtship will progress, and this is tied to your belief systems ('you don't believe women should do that').  You strike me as a woman who really wants to find a man who will love her unconditionally.  However, you've already set preconditions on how the relationship should evolve--that is to say, he must ask you out. Thus, you want unconditional love but only on your conditions. It just doesn't work like that.    

It does sound like he's interested, but may have his own hangups. Interracial dating can be a very tricky thing for white males in particular. If you've ever dated a white man you know how complicated this can be. (And here I am speaking as a black man happily married to a white woman.) It takes a very strong white male to 'leave the tribe.'  That is, to stand up under the pressure from family and friends.  I'm not saying this is the case with him, but I certainly wouldn't throw it out of the equation.  On the other hand, he may fear that you'll be put off by the idea of him asking you out for whatever reason.  Of course, you'll never know if you don't ask him and he'll never know if he doesn't ask you.  You're both acting like kids on this one and you may both lose out in the end.  

My advice?  Get real with the man and find out where's he's coming from.  Remember the old adage 'A Closed Mouth Never Eats?' If he's afraid of making his intentions clear, then it's up to you find out what his intentions are.  You can never eat the wonderful fruit of love if you don't open your mouth.  Now, stop being prideful and let God Bless You.  This man may be the one or he may not, but you'll never know if you're so dead set on having it your way. It takes two to tango.

LC