Expert: L.E. Coleman - 12/23/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi...  i am a very attractive, 30 year old single mom of a 7 year old boy.   I have a hard time dating.  It never works for me.  I have no problem getting dates it's just that if they like me I don't seem to like them and if i like them they don't seem to like me.  

So, my last adventure is what i really need some help w/.  I have been on two dates w/ what i would call right now the man of my dreams.  He is 50, tall, handsome, and has great job. On the dates we had a BLAST!!  We talked, joked, laughed... just got along extremely well.

 
The story:
When we parted from the second date the next morning we discussed going out the following Monday or Tuesday because my son was going to be with family over the Christmas break. When Friday rolled around my son ended up going ahead and going to be w/ my family.  

This left me to be able to do whatever i pleased.  So...  

I called up a friend and we went out for drinks and this is where i think i really messed up....


The major problem: I drunk texted him 3 times that night asking him to join us, called him a bum for staying home, asked him if something was wrong, and i even called him and left a voicemail.  He did answer my first text and told me that he wished he could come out but it just wasn't possible, and i kept at it.  Mind you, this is almost midnight.  He didn't answer my last text of the night until Saturday morning and all he said was "sorry, i fell asleep."  After that i got excited and invited him to go out that night w/ us.  he didn't say yes or no but he did respond w/ "tell me when and where."  So, i answered with a Yay! and followed it w/ when and where.  By the way, this is all very out of character for me, I am the normally the confident, can take you or leave you kind of woman. Well, it came time to go out and, of course, he didn't show up...

I promised myself i wasn't going to drunk text him that night but i started drinking and i couldn't help myself.  I sent him a cute picture of my girlfriend and me and said "ur missin out."  Now, i haven't heard from him since.  I am afraid I really messed this up by being too needy or pushy.   And, of course, sending the picture. Is that just horrible or what?!?!?!?  I thought about that the next day and about died... how vain can someone be?

This all happened Friday and Saturday night and it is just Monday, but i have completely beaten myself up over it.  I can't sleep, my stomach is in knots!!!  I am soooooooooo embarrassed!

Do you think I ran him off?  Is there anyway I can overcome these mistakes and regain the attraction that he had to me?

ANSWER: Hi Cassandra.

Since I'm a firm believer in the Law of Attraction--that is to say, that we attract into our life those who mirror our internal spiritual and psychological makeup-- I don't think you're in danger of losing any kind of attraction you might have had with this particular person because I don't believe he's 'THE ONE.' I don't think you're really ready yet for your Mr. Right.  Now, why would I say that?  Because you've addressed all the issues you need to work on before Mr.Right shows up.  First of all, you already know for a fact that in this particular instance you were acting needy and pushy.  No one knows this better than you.  Was this gentleman turned off by that?  Probably. And it's quite possible that you did run him off by being a bit pushy.  Men are very astute-regardless of popular opinion--of picking up on a woman's desperation. A woman who makes it too obvious takes away the fun of the chase and the chase is very important part of the dating or mating ritual for a man.  
Having a good time out is okay, but spending a life with someone is a bit more serious than having a good time. Furthermore, the drinking may be a problem for him.  This doesn't mean you're an alcoholic or anything close to a lush, but this won't stop the thought from coming up in his mind.  Until he tells you what he thinks, you'll never know. So why torment yourself by wondering if you blew it.  Here's the bottom line--and I'm reading between the line here--you're a person who is at times very confident about what she wants and what she can get.  But your fears are clearly evident too.  You're afraid that you've lost him.  You're afraid that you were too pushy or needy.  You're afraid that you might have run him off. And finally, you're afraid that you've show him a side of yourself that he might not like.  All this terrifies you in some sense. The question now is 'why?'  
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is this:  Explore this area of personal fear and get real and deep about it.  No bars, no girlfriends or any other distractions.  The bottom line is that it will be impossible to hold or keep a man, let alone established a long meaningful relationship with someone when you haven't dealt with internal fear.  As a matter of fact, fear can and will destroy your relationships.  A truly confident woman doesn't worry about whether or not she drove away her soul mate (assuming a soul mate is what you want).  A spiritually confident woman is quite content with being with or without someone.  The best way to attract the man of your dreams is to not even try.  That's the paradox in this whole situation.  You're going to find out the more you try, the more you're going to drive men away.  Don't take my word for it.   Just sit back and observe it.  When you've reach the point of authentic self-love, that point in your spiritual development where you can do with or without a man because you're so in love with yourself and life--I guarantee you that your special someone is going to make an entrance in your life.  You're not quite there yet.  But by sending me your question and listening to this feedback, you're well on your way.  This might not be what you want to hear but it is certainly what you need at this time.  Deal with the fear first and get real about self discovery. It's my guess that when you're finished with the first stage of this process Mr. Right will be there.  In the mean time take the position that you're still all that and a bag of chips.  You can read some of my articles on www.girlsaskguys.com.  They may help you understand where I'm coming from.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First off, thank you soooooooooo very much for your time and knowledge. An expert's advice is something I really need right now w/ some other issue also.  I really appreciate this!

You hit the nail on the head when you said he isn't "Mr. Right" but he was "Mr. Right Now" and I was really enjoying it! It's been a long time since I have dated someone I was really into. He is a man of great power and wealth within the company I work for, and he loves younger women, in fact, he knocked up a 25 year old receptionist and secretly dated a 20 year old that worked for him.  I know he isn't Mr. Right!!  :)  He is 50... but dangit he is a VERY attractive man.

I know that I have things to work on but I'm just not sure how to go about it.  I bounce all over the board when I am trying to figure out what I want from a man.  I am very much so like a man when it comes to loving the thrill of the chase. Maybe that's why I understand that I created a problem when I was pleading with him to come out with me. Every relationship I've ever had, whether it be one date or 80, once I've got the man asking me how high I want him to jump I am done with him.  I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE THAT WAY!!!!  I dream of getting married and living happily ever after, but I lose all attraction to him once he starts worshiping the ground I walk on.  I can't help it,or if i can I don't know how to.  Attraction is tricky.  There have been 2 in the past several years that just won't do what I want them to do.  This guy being one of them.  I know all of this makes me sound like a horrible person, and I don't want to be a horrible person.  I know you are thinking "bitch" right now....  i promise though, I am 30 and I want to fix this.

I know that I have some sort of issue.  Can I fix it or is this just my personality.  I mean, when I lose attraction it is GONE!  The thought of even holding their hand gives me the hibijibies.

I don't believe in soul mates.  Do you?  Really.....

Thanks again for you time,
Cassie

Answer
Of course, I believe in soul mates, my friend.  You don't really think the divorce rate is well above 50% for no reason, do you?  This phenomenon is a prime example of people not believing that there is a such thing as a soul mate or some one out there specifically for them.  What happens is people settle.  That is to say, they want a relationship like the one you really want but they go through the cycles of getting involved in various relationship and generally end up thinking "this guy seems like he might be 'the one'--but then later find that he's not.  Some women stay hooked up with this bad seed for whatever their reasons are (usually associated with fear of some sort)and others go back out there in the field like your doing.  Your ego/mind is really the culprit right now.  You're not a bitch,or if you are, that's still okay. You see, you must embrace the shadow side of yourself as well as the light side.  A bitch and a compassionate woman can be one and the same and there will be times when your bitchiness will come in handy.  But that's not at the heart of your problem.  I'd be interested in knowing if someone from your past treated you in the same manner as you are treating the guys you're attracted to.  Have you ever been rejected by someone?  Explore this.  Your problem may be about 'the one who got away.'  If not, you've still got some various serious issues.  You focus on the superficial external qualities of men, i.e. power, wealth, attractiveness.  How would your paradigm change if you were--God forbid--ever to have an accident where your own physical features were distorted in some way?  Would you still think you were 'very attractive?'  If not, you have already identified your problem.  You're a superficial person and not living in reality at all.  Reality lies beneath your power and control issues, which again has to do with deep seated fear.  You want to control your relationship and if you can't, or if a man rejects your need for control, you chase him--if not, you kick him to the curb because you consider him weak for giving in to you.  You do see the paradox, don't you?  Actually, you are the weak one, not them.  But this reality hasn't sunken in yet.  Somehow, I believe it's beginning to.  You can only run and distract yourself for so long until your superficial shell comes tumbling down.  But that's still not the tragedy in all this.  If you're not careful, you will attract the very one who will seem like he's the one--but in the end he's going to break your heart.  Like attract like. That's what the law of attraction is all about.  Some call it Karma and others call it sowing and reaping.  These are universal principles from which none of us can escape.  I want you to begin your spiritual journey, or at least consider that there is a such thing as a spiritual journey. It will be impossible for you to get what you want when you are sabotaging your desires and intention. It's really time to dig deep and chip away at all that junk you have underneath.  You can do it.  Let the bitch take over. Be tenacious about you inner journey.