Expert: Azure - 2/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: I broke my neck nearly ten years ago.  As a result, I never thought I could find love again.

After I recovered, I met a very kind man.  I was not attracted to him physically in any way but because he was so sweet and we had the same taste in a few things, we started dating after two years.

It has been a long time coming but I realized we were ideal.  He rarely goes out with me, he never touches me in public and I can't even get him to go see my family with me anymore.  He insisted there was nothing wrong.  He is also a full-time student and because of that, we cannot get married because he gets more money being single (despite the fact that we have been together nearly 7 years).  This past May, it really started dissapating.

Then, this October, I started spending time with someone I work with.  We did a few things together (things I could never get my boyfriend to do) and then this past December, he kissed me--it was electrifying.  I am very attracted to him both physically and mentally and we do a lot together.

The problem is, now my former boyfriend wants to try again.  I feel bad for him but feel done with him also.  However, I don't feel like I am fully into this relationship because of the guilt I feel for not giving the former another chance.  On the other hand, I just don't see it going anywhere with him:  even if he changed, he would probably change back;  I never felt THIS way for him;  and no-one in his family is married (even though they have all been in relationships longer than us--should have been a clue right?).  Am I wrong for wanting to move on and how can I do that?

Thank you for you time.

ANSWER: it's amazing you stayed with him THIS long, as it's been over for a long time; what's "another chance", other than him saying whatever he thinks he needs to to avoid loss? he's had SEVEN years of chances, so there's nothing to feel guilty about--plus, all adults know there's no guarantees with relationships; in actuality, it was HE who left a long time ago; you move on by honestly telling him you're unhappy, started seeing someone, don't love him anymore...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: He was very good to me though while we were together:  it just wasn't loving dating.

My family is giving me a lot of crap about it.  They think I should be grateful for him and continue forever.  I guess that is why I feel guilty also.

Is it so wrong to want a little fun and excitement as well as physical attraction?  I mean, I could probably get along with anyone (my parents always told us to keep our expectations low to keep disappointment at bay).  But, I have really am enjoying EVERY aspect of this new relationship.  For a relationship to be real, does it have to be difficult?  

Again, thank you.

Answer
just because he was "good to you" (his choice), doesn't mean he gets a pass on all loving behavior, or that you become indebted to him for life; once he gets over his hurt, perhaps a friendship is possible; "real" as nothing to do with difficult; the best relationships appear effortless..