Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 2/13/2008

Question
My boyfriend of 13 months had broken up with me because he fell out of love with me. We are each other’s best friends. We are both 21 and in our last year of college, and currently taking one class together. He broke up with me because he says that he is afraid. He wouldn't tell me, but he has dropped the words: responsibility, post-graduation, and money. He says that he has commitment and personal issues.

I know it was not the best thing to do, but I convinced him to take me back. He was very reluctant to because he said that he was afraid of our relationship. To clarify, I wasn't the best girlfriend because I took our relationship for granted. I would pick fights with him, and I didn't appreciate him. He was very much in love with me and tolerated my ridiculousness. Therefore, he said he was extremely afraid of getting back together with me because he didn't want us to end up fighting again.

Anyway, he finally agreed to date me again. But even though we are dating again, things are not the same as it used to be. I mean, he has been very sweet towards me. He helps me clean off my car from the snow, he kisses me good bye, and/or he'll ask for a hug when he leaves. Everything is in fact "fine", or as it should be. We had a small conversation about communication. I told him that if there was anything bothering him, that he should tell me, and I would do the same for him. He agreed and we have been communicating well together. However I feel different because I know we have a past, and I know we have the potential to be more loving than what it is now. There is a little bit of distance between us. I THINK he just wants to make a clean and fresh start of our second time around relationship, but I am starting to get impatient! Sometimes it doesn't feel as if we are a couple. How can I show him that I have changed to be a better girlfriend so that he will be more open to being closer to me? Do you think I should continue with this new dating style of ours, or tell him that I feel that it doesn’t feel the same as before (even though I want it to)? Also, when he is drunk he is back to the same way we used to be (loving and affectionate). But when he is sober, he is basically suppressing his feelings for me but still actively dating me as if I was a new person.

I believe that he is wary; his love is not the same but it’s there. It’s like his love for me has changed to something he needs to hold inside because by exposing it before in our first relationship run, he was hurt. I love him very much and I see a lot of potential in our relationship. I want to stay positive because I know he is making small efforts to not fight with me, and I should give him the credit that he deserves. As much as I want us to be like it was before, I should appreciate the pace he is going at because maybe he does want it to work. I guess what I really would like to happen is for us to move forward a little faster, without pushing him. I want him to feel comfortable with being with me again. My biggest question is: How do I let him trust me with his emotions again?

Answer
The answer to that is that it will take time, and you will have to earn his trust back by changing some things.  Sounds like it would be worth giving a try.  Relationships go through changes and stages.  In other words, you can show him by showing him, step by step.

All the best,
Susan