Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 3/12/2008

Question
I am 28 years old, and I have a hard time making/keeping eye contact, having conversations, and being around men in public. I'm not sure why, I don't have any background issues that have drilled these safety measures into my head, I've just become this way on my own. I've only been on one date, and that was January 2008. I've had lots of crushes but they were always one sided, and I've never had a boyfriend. There is a guy at church that I am interested in, but he is 35 and he's in another class, so I am not able to hang out his group on a regular basis. Really, all he might know is my name, but I've done a little research and so I know a little more about him. I don't look my age, so I'm afraid that he thinks I am much younger than I actually am.  I am very old fashioned in my beliefs about relationships, but I want to make him take notice. I'm frustrated with being single, and need some advice. How do I get past this rut?  I don't want to hit 30 without having been in a relationship!

Answer
Dear Kimberly,
The longer you wait, the harder it's going to get.  Read up on all the free stuff on the internet about flirting (good flirting) and dating.  Observe other women who do it well, and work on your social skills.  Like there's no reason you can't start up a nice conversation with this man and see what happens.  Fluttering eye contact is kind of flirting actually - most women when they like the man, look DOWN.  :-)

The main thing is to get over your nerves about it.  If you want coaching, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  It would take about a month and can't be done via email.  You need to regain your personal power, have some confidence in yourself, quit making a mountain out of molehill, and just get to dating.  In some way it seems you are doing something that keeps this from happening, so you need to try something different.

You get past this rut by getting past it.  Most of it start in dating, or start BACK into dating, by -- and this sounds a little rough, but it is done - by dating people where there isn't much investment.  So you can practice.  Of course when you meet someone who really appeals to you, there is more on the line, but there are plenty of nice guys who would be nice to date once or twice.  You'd have a good time, you wouldn't be too nervous, and you be getting into the groove of the thing.  It really isn't that hard.  Like the rest of us, you'll have good dates, boring ones, maybe even an awful one from time to time.  But if orchestrated now, you'll generally have "a good time" and then move on.  You're LEARNING how to date.  No one's born knowing how to.  Talk to your coach after the date for tips and pointers.

Good luck,
Susan
sdunn@susandunn.cc