Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/23/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hey,

This man asked me out. We're both 27 and in the same career but I'm in a higher position than him. I'm very passionate about him...and he's EXTREMELY passionate about me...I can tell.

He has had a lot of sexual experience with women...he was a former pro basketball player in the NBA...so obviously he's had his share of the ladies...if you know what i mean... and I'm a virgin despite my relative late age.

How would you suggest I structure this relationship?

ANSWER: Hello Kim!

Like any other!

Your sexual experience has nothing to do with how the relationship is "structured" UNLESS you plan on remaining a virgin. If that is the case, then your relationship is going to be one where he's dating other women for sex and seeing you for a relationship.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I really am very passionate about this man. And it is obvious he is passionate about me. I was looking really beautiful, and saw the way he was gazing at me from a long distance away. So the feelings are returned.

Yes we are extremely passionate about each other. I really do feel strongly for him. In fact just looking at him makes me want him really badly. I honestly think I will end up losing my virginity to him...I can barely look at him and breathe at the same time...LOL I'VE GOT IT BAD!!!

I just don't know if I'll be "just another girl" because he sure had plenty of those back when he was in the NBA pro basketball team, and he's had sex with tons of girls from going out to bars and clubs, but judging from his age, he seems to have calmed down A LOT...and I think he wants a steady girlfriend now and he seems kind of lonely. On his myspace it says he wants a serious relationship. I really think he has a lot of potential. WE have a lot in common.

I'm just a little scared because it will be my first time, and i've never been intimate with a man.

So...my question is...how do I go about this? I really want us to work. We seem pretty compatible.

ANSWER: Hello again Kim!

I read some of these things from women and just shake my head in disbelief. You think you're going to be "just another girl" because he's had a sexual past and you haven't?

Kim, that's just dumb! Think about this for a minute. When you're really thirsty and you finally get that glass of water, is it less worthy of your thirst because you've had so many other glasses of water in the past? Of course not! Why in the hell would you (or any woman for that matter) think that you're value is diminished simply because a man has had other glasses of water in his past?

Sheesh!!! Get a grip, girl!

On the other hand, you've neglected your own sexual education for all this time and you have a ton of catching up to do. For whatever reason, you've held off (and no, it can't come from a book!) and have nothing to invest in this guy sexually. That's also pretty dumb. By now your sexual growth should match your emotional growth.

My best advice to you is simply this: be OPEN. Don't put on the brakes at every turn. Don't play hard to get. Don't act unsophisticated about sex and be enthusiastic about it. It's unfortunate that you've waited this long because there are many subtle aspects of sex you just aren't going to understand. By now you should have learned these and have them in your bag of tricks to invest in the guy you really care about.

The advantage you have however is that he's likely to more willing to guide you through all of this - especially if he's older. Just relax and go with it! Also, you absolutely, positively must use condoms - every single time. No exceptions. Don't assume he has these on him. Get them and carry a few in your purse - always.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ummm...Dennis...

Ok so I heard him talking to one of his friends at the bus stop. He did not know I was behind him in the high bushes and could hear his entire conversation, guess he thought they were alone. So he was telling his guy friends about some of the women he had slept with when he was a pro basketball player, and one of them was a virgin. He talked about her in a very disgusted way. He was like "what the fuck...she's 25 years old and still a virgin? Who the hell is a virgin nowadays. Do they still make those?"

I'm 27 and a virgin. So that's even worse than this girl.

Do you think this will lead to trouble brewing. I hope he doesn't dump me if and when he finds out im a virgin.

Should I just never tell him I'm a virgin? I'm willing to lose it to him but obviously I'm sure he can figure out I'm inexperieced being intimate with men. Espeically because I am so attracted to him, I'll probably be a little shy around him when we're nude together.

Hmm. Now how should I act around him when the time comes to be intimate.

Also, should I keep my virginity to myself or tell him straight away. Or tell him im a virgin when we're about to have sex?

i just dont want him to think im leading him on...

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Answer   Hey Kim!

This makes me wonder if he DID know you where there behind the bushes!

No, I don't think this is going to cause trouble, and no, you shouldn't just blurt out "Hey! I'm a virgin!" In fact, go through your closet and throw away all your "I'm a virgin" t-shirts too.

The time to tell him is just as you're getting intimate. When things begin progressing toward sex - you're making out and starting to remove clothes - just mention that this is your first time and ask him to take it slow. He'll understand.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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You know what I've had a lot of people tell me? They say that I come off as being very confusing to a guy. You see, despite being a virgin, I'm very confident in my sexuality (or at least this is what people are telling me they see) because I'm a good looking girl who dresses nice and isn't afraid to talk about sex. I'm always cracking sexual jokes and saying 'oh he/she' is hot etc...

Some people tell me guys build me up in their mind that im a really sexual person...but im really not..so when guys get with me theyre disappointed when they find out i am inexperienced.

So how do i do this so that i'm not giving off the wrong sexual vibes and dont end up being a let down to men
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Yo! Kim!

This question speaks to the heart of the problem: why are you a virgin in the first place?

You'd probably be surprised at how many men and women I get letters from that are in the same boat you are. The real question is how they got that way; whether it was from neglecting their social skills or by choice makes a very big difference.

Some people use their sexualities to hide other insecurities. This may very well be where you are. The problem you have isn't about being sexual at all - it's about being insecure.

In reality you want to learn how to integrate your sexuality into your personality while building your security about yourself. Don't turn down your sexuality - it's very appealing! You just need experience to go along with it so that you can express that sexuality is productive, comfortable ways.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.





Hi Dennis,

Well the reason I am a virgin is because I've never had a serious boyfriend....never gone beyond the first date... because all the men I've dated have had girlfriends or were married already and were sneaking around with me...

Also no one believes me when I say I'm a virgin. They tell me I look too experienced. I was a former comedian so maybe I just have that confident stage presence...plus I look very similar to the actress Salma Hayek...and she gives off a very sexual vibe ... so maybe people are getting that from me too?!?!?

guess it's throwing men off - they think I'm a very sexual person when I'm not.

So how would you say I present myself to men so they don't think I'm this sexual freak, and in turn won't get mad at me for leading them on and finding out i'm inexperienced.

Answer
Hello Kim!

Frankly, I think you're asking the wrong questions here.

First of all, you seem to be picking men with whom you can't have any real sort of relationship. This is usually done as a hurt-avoidance play. In other words, if you only are with men you can't have, then you never have to feel loss. You also never get to form any deep emotional connections with them. Do I need to tell you that's not very healthy and is going to work against you until you change it?

Regarding whether people believe you're a virgin or not, who cares? I believe you because I get letters from women like you all the time. In almost every case where they aren't trying to save themselves for marriage or are what I call "religious virgins" - virgins for some dumb religious reason; it's because they've made poor choices in the men they've choosen to date. Sound familiar?

As I said before, there's nothing wrong with men seeing your sexual side even if you haven't had sex!

Your outward sexuality is simply (and frankly, I don't know specifically what that means for you - it can take a lot of forms) how everyone expresses themselves. Being a virgin or having lots of sexual partners makes little difference.

Your sexuality is your presentation to the world. It dicitates the clothes you wear, the car you drive, the jobs you take, the words you choose to express yourself. It'll dictate the friends you have and even how to walk and stand. There is nothing so foundational in our personalities as our sexuality. Even trying to turn it down is a sexual process!

My point is that you don't want to change your outward expression of your sexuality at all. In fact, you can't. All you can do is try to mask it and that comes off quite obviously to everyone else and will never feel natural to you anyway.

On the other hand, you CAN make different choices in the men you date! You aren't religated to only dating married men or men with whom you can't have a real, long-term relationship! You have lots of choices here, but you have to take those choices or make the opportunities come about so that you get them.

I have to wonder how much of your interest in the basketball player is part of this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"