Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 3/3/2008

Question
I went out to a bar the other night. I was dressed conservatively (jeans, sweater). I wasn't bothering anyone, just drinking my own drinks and minding my own business. Yet the entire night all these guys were grabbing my tits and ass and it ruined the experience. When I was getting into my taxi, all these guys came up to me and said "we're looking for a whore tonight. You look skanky enough to be it" and walked away laughing and slapping high fives.

I am not a man-hater, I love men. but I can see why women get frustrated and disgusted with men.

Is there a way that I should act so that men like this don't approach me, but regular NORMAL guys that actually have manners do?

Also, another issue. I like a guy at school. He has a girlfriend back home in another country. I would say maybe 1000-2000 miles away. They have been dating for a year. She flies to see him every month or so. He is going to be here at my college for 2 years. But I have seen him giving me the eye, looking at my breasts, body etc. I want him bad but I don't want to be a home-wrecker.

So what do you think. Do I have any chance with him? How do I get him to dump that girlfriend and see that I'm the real thing that wants him, and I'm right in front of him :)

Answer
Re: Is there a way that I should act so that men like this don't approach me, but regular NORMAL guys that actually have manners do?

Let's call this "locker room talk" - and basically speaking, it's nice if men don't hear women's locker room talk, and women don't hear men's.  This behavior has as much to do with the venue as anything.  I know, I know, - where else can you meet a man?  Well, most places are more promising than a bar.  Their behavior had to do with THEM, not you.  Nothing you need to change, except where you're doing it.  Get my Dating Manual book (www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html) for tips on where else to go to meet men.

In this situation, usually you can just give them a look.  There is absolutely no reason for you to allow men to be touching you.  Period.  

ONE reason not to is that the reason we get into male bashing is that we allow ourselves to be around men at their worst.  There are things better not seen.

How to "act" so the right guys come forward and the wrong ones don't ... best to know immediately the wrong signs and let it be known that's not for you.  Develop a stare that turns men to stone - use it wisely.  Then they won't bother you.  (You give him that look, and you don't need to say a thing)  But sitting in a bar, you're rather fair game for all, so you have to deal with it when it happens.  Quickly and definitively.   And no apologies on your part.  You're making it clear who you are.

Re: the LD girl-friend, didn't you write me about this before?  Attraction relies on the same principles as a magnet.  There has to be the attraction.  The Africans have a proverb - no amount of stalking will produce game from an empty field.  If a man is not interested in you for dating there is nothing you can do about it, and you will frustrate yourself to continue.  Also it's not a good habit to send your feelings into empty pastures.  Learn early not to get hung up on men who are disinterested.  Understand that a man "giving you the eye, looking at your breasts and body, etc." is absolutely no indication that he is interested in YOU, or, more importantly, in a RELATIONSHIP with you.  If you respond in kind, he'll be happy of course, but you won't get what you want, and re: you, he will always have "questions" that you will never outlive.

Look elsewhere!  

Love and peace,
Susan
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc