Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/26/2008

Question
QUESTION: Why is it that very attractive men tend to be very sexual as well? Like all the gorgeous don juan casanova types. they all are ladies' men and sleep with tons of girls. Hot guys tend to be FREAKS in the bed.

Yet very attractive women do not necessarily tend to be horny. some are, but not as much of a correlation to high sexual activity as good looking men.

can you explain this?

ANSWER: Hello Monica!

This relates directly to the type of communication system the use.

This is a little complicated, but I'll just hit the high points in order to explain this phenomenon.

Humans are very complicated creatures and in order to get a handle on this complexity, we use models to describe certain behaviors. One type of model explains how we deal with the world outside of ourselves. We call this a "communication model" or "communication system".

With me so far? Ok, read on...

One of the models I teach my students (of 4) is called the "sexuality/suggestibility model". This model helps to predict both how people visualize and interpret their worlds and how they express this interpretation outwardly.

The model is built of two extremes called "emotional" and "physical". It's a little too deep to explain all the issues of what this means and you can learn about it in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" if you're interested.

Suffice it to say that the guys you're talking about are "high physicals"; meaning they posses far more of the attributes of physicals than they do of emotionals. You find them hot because you're the opposite - an emotional (you posses more qualities of emotionals than physicals.) Physical women (your polar opposite) wouldn't find them very sexually attractive at all!

These guys relate to the world through their physical bodies and also (but not at all exclusively) through sex.

This is why they seem hyper-sexual.

You, being a emotional, don't relate to the world through your physical body, but through your emotions instead. Physical contact can actually be uncomfortable to you whereas it's never that way to a physical!

As I said before, there's a ton of science behind this and if you're really interested in it, I suggest you ready my book. It's actually pretty fascinating stuff and gives you some very powerful tools to deal with people in their own way and in their own "language".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok my problem is, that like you said I am indeed an emotional.

However, the vibe I give off to other is that of a high-physical woman.

A lot of people tell me "You are a really sexual person, you give off a really sexual vibe. You seem like you would be a freak in the bed"

I guess it's because I look like Angelina Jolie and my manner of talking and walking is somewhat seductive to men, which I have not realized until people pointed that out to me. People see me as a seductress but I don't view myself that way!

So this is giving me issues...

Do you think maybe that's why I'm attracting the wrong type of men? Or I'm attracted TO the wrong type of men for me?

2. Other thing - can you give me some examples of emotionals who ended up with emotionals and physicals who ended up marrying physicals? Did those marriages work out or not from what you see?

Answer
Hello again Monica!

What makes you think you're an emotional or that you give off a physical "vibe"? This particular model isn't intuitive. There are very specific conditions where a person is more of one particular type and gives off the sense of the other, but it's a very rare psychological situation.

Giving off a sexual sense is rather different than your outward expression of an internal representation - even if other people claim you do this. I'll come back to this and your first question in a moment.

No, I can't give you any examples of where people marry or even continue to date their own types. This is exceedingly rare because as this model defines, this is absolutely contrary to how we work. At least for this model (unlike others that describe different qualities) we are attracted specifically to our opposites, which explains why these people you consider hot go for others that you don't consider hot.

With regards to whom you attract and that you are attracted by, this also has little to do with this particular model. The best function of it is to determine who will be a good match for you overall based on general attributes, but not on specific personality elements.

If you're attracted to jerks, go get in that long line over there - with most every other woman. The reason why these guys attract you isn't that you're into self-abuse, but that they feed something very primal within you. Let me try to explain this a little better.

We all want to believe that we're highly-evolved and are no longer controlled by this primal "wiring" like our ancestors were. In fact, that's just not the case. You are pre-programmed to seek how men who's genes will produce offspring that aren't going to get beat up on the schoolyard and have their lunch money stolen. You "see through" the guys you're attracted to your unborn children and seek out those genes. Guys that are jerks present this image to you up-front and thus, you seek them out without doing the back-end research first.

Only after you get hurt or mistreated (likely enough times) do you see them for what they are. The problem is that you likely blame the guys for this rather than changing the behavior within yourself.

It's also probable that these guys don't seek you out at all. It's just that you don't bother giving any time to the good guys as you don't get immediate chemistry from them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"