Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/20/2008

Question
QUESTION: ------------------------
Hello Joanna!

Frankly, what does it really matter? No, I don't think this guy thinks you're a lesbian. What I think is that this guy realizes that you're a sexual being.

That's pretty cool if you ask me.

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
--------------------------

He seems very interested in me. His guys friends told me he wanted to ask me out :)

And I suppose now that he knows I watch porn with naked ladies in it, it may have piqued his interest somewhat ... i mean you cant get better than that right gentlemen HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH...just kidding lol ;-)

Well this guy is really extremely experienced with women. He was a former guitarist in a band, a former model/body builder, and also a former athlete, so he has had sex with a ton of different girls and gets women hitting on him all the time. He is one of those Don Juan/Casanova types.

Whereas I...came from a very strict culture and very strict religious family, I have not been allowed to date my entire life...and wasn't realy able to sneak around with guys due to my living with my parents, not having a car etc...until now...so I have no real experience in men other than oral sex which I actually have done, and yes I have been nude with men a few times.

I am afraid...that in case him and I do end up together, with him being very experienced in bed, and I being a virgin (due to not being allowed to date)

...that I might disappoint him in bed somehow?

Just so you know I do masturbate regularly (lol most girls dont admit that) and am very comfortable being nude in front of him...

..and I am up for wild kinky stuff ;-)

but just haven't gone through with it.

What would you advise a virgin like me to do with an experienced casanova like this?

I'm willing to try anything in bed....just afraid I won't "meet" his expectations...since its impossible for me to know what he wants out of me...etc

thanks much :)

Joanna

ANSWER: Hello again Joanna!

First of all, you may be giving him a ton of credit he doesn't deserve. I can't tell you how many guys that seem like they are incredibly experienced really aren't. Obviosly, I don't know this guy, but I'll bet your impression of him isn't really as justified with his experience.

Either way, it doesn't matter one lick!

What's far, far more important is your own maturity and comfort with your sexuality - which you obviously possess in large amount! Honestly Joanna, I'm very proud of you! So many women go to great lengths to deny their own sexualities - even to themselves. Here, you've not only accepted yours, you've been doing everything you can to build it up! Being a virgin; in this context, means absolutely nothing.

Frankly, that makes you one simple thing: a "catch". I just wish other girls could take your example. They're far too caught up in what other people think about them. They worry whether others think they are sluts or whether they'll look good naked and all sorts of other totally-worthless, misdirected bullshit.

Instead, YOU'VE embraced your sexuality and have worked on integrating it into your personality. That's a very sophisticated thing to do! Many women don't learn how to do that until they've been through a few divorces, many relationships and are in their late-40's. You didn't mention your age, and you seem young - but not at all ignorant.

I'll say it again: I'm very proud of you for this!

What's really great about this is that you get to invest all that sophistication into your relationships - maybe even with this guy! It doesn't matter that you're inexperienced at all, (which frankly, yo're not.) You're open, smart and enthusiastic - all far more important than whether you've "inserted tab A into slot B". I think you're going to teach HIM a bunch of things! After all, nobody knows you like you do!

Don't sweat it at all. Since you don't first have to get past all sorts of worthless stigma, you're going to do great. Let him start things off, and don't hesitate to help show him what you want too. His expectations are built from all those girls that because of their own insecurities put up walls at every turn. You never have to worry about that.

He's not going to know what hit him!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok here's the bad news. I am leaving in 3 months because I am graduating after this summer and will be working in another country. I'm pretty sure we'll never see each other again. So our time together is limited :(

What do you think. If I get involved with him, how should I take this. This guy is really freaky and will expect sex right away.

Should I tell him I'm a virgin?

Or will he think I have been leading him on if I don't tell him I'm a virgin?

How do I deal with this situation. It will be my first time...how do I go about this one the right way.

I don't want it to go so slow that he gets bored and finds another woman, but I don't want it to escalate and things to go too fast where I'm uncomfortable.

any ideas?

Thanks much :)

ANSWER: Hey Joanna!

First of all, what exactly do you want here? You're all over the place. Let's face it, if you're leaving in 3 months, it's going to be one fast romance. Don't plan on having a long-distance relationship as that's just going to cause you nothing but grief. Go for whatever it is that you want in the next 3 months and place to move on after that.

Are you looking for a sexual relationship with this guy? That's not hard to pull off at all. What do you think is "uncomfortable"? This is about boundaries. Nobody is going to expect more of you than you want to give - or get. As with most things between people, communication is the key.

With that said, no, you shouldn't tell him you're a virgin until you're ready to move things into the bedroom. Then, don't make a big deal of it. If he seems more reserved about it, just tell him it's not a big deal (to you) and everything will be fine.

After you've defined these boundaries in your own mind, the next step is to get things moving with him. Someone is going to have to ask someone out. That gives you two choices: either ask him out or make yourself available so that he can ask you out. The latter is more unsure because me may not know how to do this (many guys don't.) Thus, it's going to be crapshoot and may result in nothing. Instead, I suggest you ask him out for a drink or just to hang out.

The next step is to "convert" your date into something more. He may not know how to do this either! When you feel the time is right, just snuggle up to him and kiss him. This is going to get the ball rolling. As things heat up, suggest you go back to his place or yours. Contiue things as far as you feel comfortable.

By the way, condoms are not optional here. Don't assume he has them with him. Go get some yourself and ALWAYS keep them with you in your purse. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Oh Dennis. He has a long-distance girlfriend back home.

Should I just forget him and move on? And what about other men? Cuz I mean, no matter who I date here, I'm leaving in 3 months and will be living on the other side of the globe.

So for now...should I just forget about men for now...work on getting my degree...and then in 3 months when I move to my new country think about dating after that?

thanks :)

Answer
Yo! Jo!

There's never a perfect situation for relationships. You have to take the hand you have and make something out of it.

As I said before, you have to decide what you want. You can't build much of a relationship in 3 months, but you CAN begin to build your sexual experience. If you're saving yourself for the perfect guy, just consider what YOU have to offer that "perfect guy" when you meet him - not too much.

This is why I think virginity is highly overrated. You only learn these skills - and build sexual yourself up through experience. You're even asking me questions that you don't know have no real bearing whatsoever simply because you lack this experience.

I'm not telling you to bang every guy you see in the next 3 months, but it seems you're in a place to begin this education and I encourage you to do so if you also believe you're ready. Just be aware, this isn't the love of your life - that will hopefully come after you move. This is a chance to further grow your sexuality in a strong, constructive, positive way.

Then, you get to invest that experience in the next one, and the next one after that, etc.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"