Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 5/2/2008

Question
I started a new job and the person training me is a gentlemen and quite charming. I am married, so is he. We talk normal office talk. He smiles a lot and squints his eyes when he talks. I finished my training and passed the test he had prepared me for. The supervisor came to take a photo of me and hand me my certificate. He put his around around me and kissed my on the cheek then placed his arm around my waist and smiled to take the picture, then he pulled me close to his body and the picture was taken. twice that day he kissed my cheek, congratulating me.  What is odd is that I did not expect this change in behavior. He left on vacation for a week and came back, opened his arms and wanted a hug.  I figured it was his latino culture, although I also am latina.  But finally he purchased a book, which has to do with my job, as a gift and dedicated it to me signed, fondly so and so.  I gave him a thank you note and a check for the book which he voided and gave back to me.  He smiles at me constantly, puts his arms behind his head and spreads open his legs upon a chair. He has never said anything directly, everything is indirect. He tells me he loves his family and wife although sometimes he says he doesn't believe in monogamy but he is because he loves his family. I didn't understand that.  He compliments my clothing, and perfume. I always were skirts and am careful with my appearance. I let him know I am in my late 40's and he is in his mid 40's. I never try to lead him on or anything but his behavior has me confused. Should i be worried and/or head for the hills before the flattery gets to me. Depending upon your answer I have decided to work outside in another room if my intuitions are correct about him. I am starting to become too flattered and am not willing to jeopardize my marriage or family with a fleeting moment of flattering and/or flirting.  Thanks!

Answer
Good for you.  Whatever he's doing, you have to keep in mind your values and what you want.  Many people are just friendly, or just that way (and you had hints that he fools around, didn't you?) and you can enjoy it -- flattery is always nice -- but put a lid on it.  If you get your head together, you wouldn't have to leave, but could 'manage' what's going on.  The safest thing, I guess would be to work outside in another room.  Your intuitions should be paid attention to - be glad you have them.  You sound like a smart cookie!  Protect yourself and your marriage!  When he comes on with the hugs, position yourself in another way and keep your distance.  This actually could be a good lesson in learning how to fend off an 'admirer' as you will always have many.  Learn to keep your boundaries in a nice way.  He sounds like a guy who likes women and will know how to get to you.  Don't let it go to your head!!

P.S.  I bet if you hang around the water cooler and listen, you'll hear things about him that will keep this from going to your head.  I bet it's what he does to all the women all the time.

All the best,
Susan