Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 5/25/2008

Question
QUESTION: Why is it that when a man puts his arms around a woman, it is the BEST feeling in the world? This has nothing to do with who the guy is. It could be a boyfriend/husband, or it could be just any guy, brother, friend, father etc. Even lesbians have told me that when a man holds them they feel awesome. What is it about women that crave this feeling?

Second question -

I am a 26 year old woman. I like a guy who is 39 years old and he seems to like me a lot. We are both in medical school together and we are both going to become doctors. He was in the army for 10 years prior to coming to med school. he has been through A LOT in the army.

He seems lonely and kind of horny too. But I can tell he's basically a good guy and has been hurt by women in the past so I'm willing to give him a chance. I like him a lot.

Despite his age, experience, and his good looks, he seems very simple and also seems to have no clue as to how to move things forward with a woman. I find this odd considering how many long term girlfriends he's had.

Ok so what can you tell me. I've never dated a guy older than me, all the guys I've dated are young 19-24 range.

So maybe it will be nice to date a real man for a change ... instead of training a boy... or changing diapers (just kidding)

Can you tell me any problems you see with our age difference?

He's almost 15 years my senior

thanks

~ jaci ~

ANSWER: Why is it that when a man puts his arms around a woman, it is the BEST feeling in the world? This has nothing to do with who the guy is. It could be a boyfriend/husband, or it could be just any guy, brother, friend, father etc. Even lesbians have told me that when a man holds them they feel awesome. What is it about women that crave this feeling?  IT'S JUST 'THE MALE ENERGY'.  JUST LIKE MY CLIENT THE OTHER DAY, A MAN, GETTING DATING COACHING, WHO SAID, 'I JUST NEED TO BE AROUND FEMALE ENERGY.'

IT'S NATURE.

HUGS FROM GUYS ARE COOL.  OH, OKAY, I'LL GO ON A LITTLE ... THOSE BIG CHESTS AND STRONG ARMS, THE QUIETNESS, SECURITY OF IT ALL.  THE DIFFERENTNESS OF IT ALL (THEY ARE MEN, WE ARE WOMEN).  WHY DO MEN LIKE IT SO MUCH WHEN A WOMAN GIGGLES?  BECAUSE THEY CAN'T.  

Second question -

I am a 26 year old woman. I like a guy who is 39 years old and he seems to like me a lot. We are both in medical school together and we are both going to become doctors. He was in the army for 10 years prior to coming to med school. he has been through A LOT in the army.

He seems lonely and kind of horny too. But I can tell he's basically a good guy and has been hurt by women in the past so I'm willing to give him a chance. I like him a lot.

Despite his age, experience, and his good looks, he seems very simple and also seems to have no clue as to how to move things forward with a woman. I find this odd considering how many long term girlfriends he's had.

Ok so what can you tell me. I've never dated a guy older than me, all the guys I've dated are young 19-24 range.

So maybe it will be nice to date a real man for a change ... instead of training a boy... or changing diapers (just kidding)

Can you tell me any problems you see with our age difference?

He's almost 15 years my senior

15-20 YEARS, NO MATTER WHAT AGES THE PARTICIPANTS ARE AT, IS A "GENERATION" AND IT WON'T WORK IN THE LONG TERM.  YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THAT, BUT CHECK OUT THE STATS ON IT.  WE GO THROUGH DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES AS WELL, ALL THROUGH OUR LIVES, AND THE TWO WILL BE AT DIFFERENT DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES AS WELL.  I.E., I HAVE A DATING COACHING CLIENT WHO IS 62 AND DATING AN 84 Y.O. MAN, I.E., ABOUT THE AGE OF HER FATHER.  THEIR EXPECTATIONS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, THE WORLD, ETC. ARE V. DIFFERENT.  SHE HAS CHOSEN TO GO AHEAD WITH IT, KEEPING THAT IN MIND. BUT THEY HAVE THE SIMILARITIES THAT THEY DON'T WANT MORE CHILDREN, AREN'T INTERESTED IN CAREER ANY MORE, JUST WANT TO TRAVEL. HOWEVER, IT IS FIRMLY INGRAINED IN HIM THAT HE PLANS AND CHOOSES AND DECORATES THE HOUSE, MAKES ALL THE DECISIONS, CHOOSE WHERE, WHEN AND HOW THEY TRAVEL.  JUST THAT AGE.  LET'S SAY SHE IS 'PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION.' AND THE GOALS OF A 62 YEAR OLD WOMAN ARE QUITE DIFFERENT THAN A 20 Y.O. WOMAN.

SOME MEN PREFER TO DATE WOMEN 20 YEARS YOUNGER.  TO THIS I WOULD RESPECTFULLY REPLY, AS MY MOM USED TO TELL ME IN SCHOOL YARD MANEUVERS, 'WHY DON'T YOU PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE?'  IT'S AN INEQUALITY AND YOU HAVE TO WONDER WHY ...

LASTLY, I'M NOT A MALE-BASHER ... WE NEED TO LOOK AT INDIVIDUALS.  DO NOT COUNT ON AN INDIVIDUAL MAN BEING AN ADULT NO MATTER WHAT HIS AGE.  THIS GUY COULD BE AS MUCH A 'BOY' AS A YOUNGER MAN.  IT DEPENDS.  IF HE HAS NEVER MARRIED - AND MARRIAGE IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM AFFAIRS - YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF WHY.  WE ALL LEARN A LOT IN MARRIAGE, AND HE WILL NOT HAVE LEARNT THESE THINGS.

IF YOU'D LIKE DATING COACHING, IT'S A GREAT INVESTMENT IN YOUR FUTURE.  EMAIL ME AT  sdunn@susandunn.cc FOR RATES AND PARTICULARS.

ALL THE BEST,
SUSAN DUNN
 




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yes this man seems very mature, simple, genuine, honest, caring, respectful, generous, well behaved, kind etc. He does seem like the "marriage" type and yes has expressed desire to marry and have children. He definitely isn't a womanizer or a flirt, that's for sure. And I sense a very great sadness and a great loss, that a woman hurt him terribly, or was taken from him somehow. That I totally feel from his "male energy"

He seems to care for me very much.

Actually I told you the wrong age, he is 36, not 39 sorry.

Ok so I am 26 and he is 36.

Ten years senior.

What do you think?

ANSWER: He "seems."  Don't let lost in fantasies until you experience the Real Deal.  That is why we have sit down dates, in person.  I recommend you not get emotionally invested in this man until you have actually dated him.

10 years?  Anything is possible.

BTW, he needs to lay down his own baggage, it is not yours to fix.  I hope he is emotionally available.  He may not be.

Let me know.

Susan

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: He seems very ready to move forward with his life, after his experiences in the army he is serious and dedicated to medical school. I see he went thorugh a lot of heartache in his lifetime, from waht I know, and now he has had to pick up the pieces and go back to school to become a doctor.

Yes he is emotionally available and is very generous to me, he seems very excited to date me and when we get on the bus together he always sits by me and is almost pressing himself into me. He gets really excited talking about very deep subjects such as the deeper meanings behind music, movies, books, literature, novels etc. I think he is getting excited because I like the same things he likes so have that cultural tastes in common, I know a lot of abstract facts that most women wouldn't know about arcane things.

He seems very lonely.

Any red flags here?

Answer
As the lawyers would say ... "I was not aware that ..."
So you are already dating?  I mean real dates, where he picks you up at your place and takes you out for dinner, etc.?

Sounds good that he is checking out compatibility.  Shared values and tastes and at least one interest, are optimal.

I don't see a red flag from what you say, but that's a big caveat.  I only know what you tell me, and it's from your point of view.

Doctors are not known for their social skills, and so he may get "excited" and ahead of himself.  And dating is just complex, hard, and nerve - wracking for us all.  Only time will tell.  Keep your head about you until you know it's a full go-ahead.

You could use some further coaching.  Let me know.  We could get into the particulars.

All the best,
Susan
sdunn@susandunn.cc