Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/4/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dennis,

What are some warning signals that could signify a dangerous man?

Such as, when a woman like me is out on a date with a man, they say if he's rude to the waiter it's a bad sign.

What are some other warning signs I should look for?

In your experience, what types of men have you seen turn out to be the dangerous ones.

And when I say dangerous men, I do not necessarily mean physically abusive...because those are much easier to spot.

I"m talking about what makes a man REALLY dangerous...the guys that mess with your head...and you don't realize this until a few years after being involved with them for a while.

Since you are an older, more experienced man, you know how men are.

I know women are dangerous too, but in this case what types of men should I stay away from.

Thanks

ANSWER: Hello Rita!

Yes, I know how men are - and women too!

Here's the real issue: why are you so terrified of men? Why do you think that men are out to screw with you noggin? Why do you think that there are warning signs that will keep you all safe, warm and cozy?

Rita, you need to really address THOSE issues. Here's why:

Men (as a whole) are NOT out to hurt you. There are obviously a few bad guys out there, but trust me: they are RARE. They are SO rare in fact, you're not even likely to come across one of them!

In my experience, women are their own worst enemies here. They actually create these problems for themselves! Unfortunately, men aren't usually that sophisticated when it comes to dating and relationships to try to set women up just to knock them down.

Really!

Instead, women play all sorts of games and do all sorts of dumb things in order to misdirect, hide their agendas, hide their interests, focus on things that aren't important, play hard-to-get, don't answer the phone or return phone calls, hold off intimacy, etc., etc., etc., only find that the guys eventually give up and move on. Then, these same girls blame the guy for it as though it was his agenda all along!

Humans are complicated emotional creatures and our mating rituals are equally complicated. Wouldn't it be much easier if we were just open and honest about our agendas and worked together to try to make them happen for each other? Sure it would! But that's just not the world we live in. More to the point, that's just not the world YOU live in - guys are more than ready to make this happen!

Rita, my dear, you're focusing on the wrong things! What you think are "dangerous" men are simply men that are trying to get their goals met - just like you are. They do this however, not to the exclusion of your goals but try to work with them - as a team.

Men are not out to make you a basket case at all. They (we?) are all about trying to deal with you and your issues far more than the other way around.

Sure, there are things that some guys do that you should look out for, but these aren't big issues at all. Look for a wedding ring - or a wedding ring tan line. See how his friends treat him - and you. See if he eventually invites you over to his house. See if he's available by phone when you call him, etc., but these aren't exactly "secrets to keep from being harmed" at all. They are just normal, everyday things that any sane person is aware of.

Don't be focused on someone harming you. What that will do is put your mind in a state where it actually seeks this out! (That's how the mind works.) Instead, learn to trust yourself to make good decisions about people and go meet some great guys. Then, don't play them, (I know, I know - *YOU'D* never do this! Yeah - I hear it over and over again from women that are the biggest game-players there are!)

If you want to know more about this self-trust issue, go watch the video on my website (http://beingaman.com) under BAM TV about trust.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I've never had too many bad experiences with men (except 1 who was physically abusive and hit me) but I guess I was talking about emotionally abusive. I just know dating is a numbers game. You rake in the good with the bad.

I know of one woman who dated over 100 guys before she met her husband. So I guess by that point she knew what she wanted in a man?

ANSWER: Hello again Rita!

Either she knew what she wanted, or she just couldn't make up her mind and finally settled, or she just had to go through that many to find a guy that would put up with her shit!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: LOL. They've been married for 20 years. Whenever I see them together, they are always smiling and kissing. She says he is very affectionate. She says they make time for regular sex and they try to kiss every day. Maybe that's why their marriage has lasted so long? Each other knows they're still desired?

You think that's very important? To keep up the regular physical/sexual component?

Answer
Hey Rita!

You hit the nail on the head - "regular sex". The reality is that a bad marriage will stay together if the sex is good, but even an otherwise-good one will end if the sex is bad.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"