Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/1/2008

Question
Hi,

I'm a married woman with a daughter, and I play bass guitar in a rock band. We have gotten a record deal and have started playing at festivals across America and touring the world.

The guys in my band get tons of horny women interested in sleeping with them. For the most part, the men at the shows are quite respectful to me. But sometimes things get out of hand. Because we have a lot of crazed, aggressive fans due to the extreme music we play. There are hordes of men after the shows waiting for me as well.

How is one way I can deal with the situation so that I can still hang out with all my guy fans after the shows but not lead them into anything sexual?

You see I am an extremely friendly person and I am very comfortable with men. So many, many men misinterpret my freindliness for sexual interest.

Any advice for me?

I heard through the grapevine that you play in a band :)

Answer
Hello Dana!

First off all, congratulations on the record deal! Think about this: you're only one in perhaps 100,000 bands that have pulled this off. That's a really big deal, and I'm very proud of you!

Yes, I'm also a bass player (http://rockbottombettymusic.com) but was in the industry professionally many years ago. I certainly know what a feat this is! There are some pictures of the band at the website and a new one up at: http://beingaman.tv Check out those fretless, 5-string Warwicks! Incredible instruments! Be sure to send me a link to your band's site so I can check you guys out.

Sex and music are intimately tied together. I fully understand your challenge here. Anything that makes you "feel" can make you feel sexual too. Let's face it, music that doesn't bring some emotional or sexual component to the listener probably isn't worth playing in the first place!

You have a number of key ways to prevent much of the advances however. For instance, always wear a ring on your "wedding finger" that will kill-off maybe half of the advances. Explain to any of the rest of the guys that you have a boyfriend which will take care of maybe 80% of the rest.

Next, talk to your band mates and let them know you feel this way and have them help you. I'm sure they'll keep an eye on you and will help out - even acting as your "surrogate boyfriend" if need be.

Finally, you'll have to just shut down the rest of them with a very clear, very direct "no" or "no thanks". One of the mistakes I see women making is that they're not direct enough. Guys are not subtle creatures by nature. Thus, if you say "Well, I'll have to think about it" or "Maybe later" you're not being clear enough. Many guys (especially when they're stoned or drunk) will think this means "yes" so don't take that risk. Just be clear and specific up-front.

Hope that helps - rock on!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"