Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/1/2008

Question
Hi Dennis,

I'm 26 years old, never married. My current boyfriend is 26 years old also and he left his wife and kids for me, and wants to marry me now. He has proposed to me recently.

His wife was young, 22 years old and has a banging body. I am older than her, his age, and am better looking than her though. But I think the real reason he left her was because I'm really into guy stuff, so we have more in common.

Now what's to say a couple years down the line he's not going to leave me for the next woman?

And how do I prevent this?

Answer
Hello Amy!

There's nothing to say that he won't leave you for someone else - or that he will either.

This is a misconception: that someone will do exactly what they've done in the past. You hear things like "Once a cheater, alway a cheater" for instance, but in fact, that's just a gross oversimplification of a very complicated situation. You don't know the real story here - only what he's told you. He left his wife and kids for you and that says a lot.

What does bother me about this however are two things: first, that he has kids and didn't stick it out to raise them. That's irresponsible and will affect those kids for their entire lives. Further, he's going to have to pay child support for them which will take resources away from your family.

If you want to be sure that he never leaves you, you can't, but you can do a lot to help make it not happen. What you need to do is to get to understand him and his needs. Make sure he's getting everything from you that his ex-wife doesn't give him. This is the foundation of why he's leaving her and if you make sure this doesn't repeat, he'll have no reason to dump you for someone else.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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