Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 7/1/2008

Question
QUESTION: There's this guy at work (I'm 18, he's 21) that I like very much. The only problem is that he's extremely shy and barely talks to anyone, especially girls, which is weird because he's also extremely attractive.
People tell me he may like me too as he talks to me sometimes and sits next to me at parties (we've been to two so far). He offered me a drive (and offered no one else), asked a friend for my number so he could ask me if I was going to a certain party, etc. At work however, he barely talks to me and it's very intimidating. Sometimes he doesn't even say hi! (he treats everyone that way at work) I'm not a shy person, but I find that I'm totally shy and self conscious around him. Now I feel like wherever I am, he is and I'm worried he thinks I'm following him :(
What can I do to grab his attention? I'm worried because he may think I'm too young for him. He just seems like a kind, caring guy if he were to open up a bit. How can I get him to open up? What can I do/say so I don't seem stalkerish?

ANSWER: Dating at work is tricky .  It's right in front of everyone, can jeopardize your job, men are usually very focused at work ... and other things.  You have the perfect opportunity there because you get to be around him.  When we're interested in someone is when we GET shy - guys too - because it's important so it makes us nervous.  So don't take it personally that he doesn't say hi at work.  Like you said, that's his word mode.  He knows you, knows how to get in touch with you.  When he comes around, say hi and start a little conversation - even something about the weather or traffic.  Be friendly in a quiet way.  There's no need to pursue.  If he is interested in dating you, he will do something.  This is a matter of that you don't want to screw it up - so don't be obnoxious, pushy, demanding of his time, loud and overly flirtatious at work. It'd fine to just ignore him sometimes.  I'll bet opportunities will come up for a little chat.  Don't push it, just let it happen and see.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
THE DATING COACH
The blg:  http://datingcoachblog.wordpress.com
sdunn@susandunn.cc

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your advice! So I should keep doing what I'm doing and going about my business? I guess I'll wave sometimes if I get a chance. Maybe I should also stay away from places where I know he is so it won't look like I'm following him? Would the age difference turn him off?

Answer
Yes, keep going about your business - great way to put it.  Women make a mistake in flirting overtly and overdoing it.  Very very subtle flirting works - like a wave.  Also sometimes when he comes around (hard as it will be), be completely absorbed in what you are doing, and do NOT look up or acknowledge him.  

I don't see a problem with the age difference.  I don't know how he feels about it.

Smart people are very careful about office romances.  They happen, but I have heard many examples where it all blew up, so prudent people are cautious about it.  At the least, imagine this - you date, break up and then have to be around each other all day every day.  And that's one of the nicer scenarios.

I am an advocate for "dating," not just "hanging out."  If you appear where he is, or let him call you and say "let's go get a drink," you are making yourself too available.  He should ask you for a proper date - that is Weds. night for a Sat. night.  Not just "slopping over" after work, for instance.  "Hey, lets go get a bite to eat."  That is NOT a date.

For companionship and fun, you can hang out with others at parties, or call a girl friend and go out.  Remember that 'palling around' is not the same thing as dating, nor is 'hanging out' at parties, though at your age it's great to get out, be with others, enjoy yourself.  You should date lots of guys and even hang out with them.  That's how you learn about guys!  

Do not pursue him (or any man).  It is impossible to turn a relationship around once the woman pursues.  In all my years of experience, I have not heard of one example.  You can flirt, but that's a different thing.  Don't call him, don't txt msg him, don't ask him out ...

There's lots to learn about dating if you want marriage and to find a good man.  I'm glad you wrote.

All the best,
Susan