Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 6/16/2008

Question
QUESTION: there. I recently broke up with a man that I was in a relationship with for three years. I thought he was the man of my dreams, but I was wrong. He changed so drastically within such a short span of time, that I didn't recognize him any more.

He knew I was a strong, independent woman and a feminist when he met me. I am very ambitious, career oriented, opinionated etc. Qualities that seem to be valued in men, but seen as negative traits in women. He got into Christianity, and become very controlling and posessive. He wanted me to marry him, give up my career and have babies. My idea of a nightmare! Anyway, it's over between he and I.

The question is how do I find a man who respects and values an intelligent woman with a mind of her own, who can take care of herself?

Another thing is that I am not into choir boys. His new holier than thou attitude was a major turn off! I like my "bad boys". That was one of the things that originally drew me to him. I like men who live on the fringes. Men who don't fit into mainstream society. I once dated a man who travelled with a carnival, and it was the best relationship I ever had. He and I are still good friends, and whenever he comes to town we have a wonderful time. He always tells me that he likes me exactly as I am, and that I shouldn't change for anyone. We both got tattooed together once. We got the quote "To Thine Ownself Be True".

I just wanted to give you a little background. How can I find a man who loves me as I am? Who actually will admire and embrace the qualities that make me unique?

I get to feeling quite lonely sometimes. I know I could pretend to be someone I am not, and find someone. But then I would still be lonely deep down, and profoundly unhappy.Been there done that. Can you offer some advice? All my life I have been told that there was something "wrong" with me because I was different. It is so bad to want to find a man who will accept me as I am? I don't want to change for anyone. Thanks.

Elaine

ANSWER: Well, I'm sorry that guy turned the way he did. You're lucky you found out early on. I also understand what you are saying.

My thoughts ... #1, there is always loneliness, it is just ameliorated a bit in relationship.  #2, Most of us could benefit by some changes in behavior, because nobody's perfect.  You seem awfully invested in "not changing" - to the point of rigidity, which will mean that you will miss some things.  People who never change turn to stone.  To live with anyone else requires some adjustments.  We hope to find those who make us better in some way, and that's not just a movie cliche.  #3, can't tell if you're looking for marriage.  If not, you can continue to have guys like the carnival guy, and face the consequences.  It will be transient.  #4, you shouldn't have any trouble finding a man who "values an intelligent woman with a mind of her own, who can take care of herself."  Except there is more to you than that ... and that you might take a look at.  

If you'd like DATING COACHING, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  I recommend it, to help you get past this rather negative stance, which will not attract any man, much less the one you want.  Consider that we all have a fantasy of "the ideal mate," yet we all must deal with the mortals walking around, like ourselves.  There are also certain qualities that just don't come together in one person.  I think you would benefit from some coaching.  

Lastly, if 'all your life you've been told..." -- this indicates some unfinished business.  SOmething you are too intensely invested in.  First of all, that's an extreme statement that needs to be looked at with adult eyes.  Secondly, if it's true, and you do not want to change, well there you have it.  

In all my years of coaching, I will tell you that there is truly "a lid for every pot."  So remain hopeful!!

All the best,
Susan Dunn

Dating Coaching - www.susandunn.cc/internetdatingcoach.htm and sdunn@susandunn.cc .  Individualized coaching.  Why leave romance up to chance??


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi. I hope you do not mind a follow up question. I wanted to clarify something. I do not think I am rigid. There are a lot of things that I AM willing to compromise on, but when it comes to the core things that make up who I am(i.e. my value and belief system).

I feel like if you truly love somoene you accept them as they are. I love and absolutely adore Robby(the carnival guy) and sometimes I do wish there could be something more(although i am not interested in getting married). However, I would NEVER ask that of him. Because I know that he has gypsy blood in his veins, and would be profoundly unhappy being tied down. I love him enough to let him be free. If that makes sense.

I also wanted to clarify one more thing. I know a lot of people hear the word "feminist" and it evokes all of these negative connotations. I am not some "man hating lesbian". I always treat the men in my love with love and respect, and do not give any less than I expect for them. I do not believe that i am superior, only equal. I would never be abusive or controlling either. I don't believe in one person ruling over the other in a relationship. I believe in an equal partnership, where both people make decisions together, and value one another's thoughts, feelings and opinions. Just wanted to explain that.

The question is when is it acceptable/healthy to ask your partner to change? What things should one be willing to change, and what things should be deal breakers in a relationship? Thanks.  

Answer
Dear Elaine,

It is possible to change one's core beliefs ... believe it or not.  Sometimes life insists upon this.  But, having said that ...

The question is when is it acceptable/healthy to ask your partner to change? Any time you feel you have to have some behavior change.  Thoughts, of course, drive beliefs and behaviors, and words are behaviors as well as actions.  That does not, however, mean that they will do it.  That is not under your control.

What things should one be willing to change, and what things should be deal breakers in a relationship?

You must make your OWN list of deal-breakers.  For one person it might be buck teeth; for another, no money; for another, a different religion; for another, too tall ... no education ... too much education ... it just goes on and on.  

I've listened to thousands of people.  One man's meat is truly another man's poison.  This man must have an assertive woman, while this one wants a docile woman.  This woman wants a sensitive and nurturing man; another women does not consider that "masculine."  It just goes on and on.  When I coach, I listen.  After all, it's you who's going to love the guy, not me.  I can't for the life of me figure out why some people are attracted, but that's what makes the world go 'round!

And that having been said, it's good to make a person list.  Put MUST HAVE in one column; CANNOT TOLERATE in another; then a FANTASY COLUMN.  Then make a list of your preferences.  And trust me, yours will be like no one's else's.

What things should you be willing to change?  That's up to you. If you are not interested in marriage, which is, theoretically a committment and lifetime investment, then things are much more fluid.  Why change? Why ask hi, to change?  Just move on.  Marriage requires working those things out.  Affairs do not.

The deal breakers are totally personal. It's up to you.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc