AboutJoyce D Expertise Looking for a lifelong, loving relationship? I`ve
been with the same partner for 30+ years and it`s not just a
coincidence. I`ve worked at it and the first part was to find the
right man for me. I hope I can help you do the same. (I`ve also read
a lot about the subject and know many couples - some who have made
poor partner decisions and others who`ve maintained a lifelong
relationship of love.) This information would be appropriate for
either gender.
Experience My own marriage has worked out great, though it has taken work, I've learned a lot and continue to learn. I realize, though, that everyone is different and so is each relationship, so I enjoy observing others.
Expert: Joyce D Date: 6/16/2008 Subject: I want to be accepted as I am
Question Hi there. I recently broke up with a man that I was in a relationship with for three years. I thought he was the man of my dreams, but I was wrong. He changed so drastically within such a short span of time, that I didn't recognize him any more.
He knew I was a strong, independent woman and a feminist when he met me. I am very ambitious, career oriented, opinionated etc. Qualities that seem to be valued in men, but seen as negative traits in women. He got into Christianity, and become very controlling and posessive. He wanted me to marry him, give up my career and have babies. My idea of a nightmare! Anyway, it's over between he and I.
The question is how do I find a man who respects and values an intelligent woman with a mind of her own, who can take care of herself?
Another thing is that I am not into choir boys. His new holier than thou attitude was a major turn off! I like my "bad boys". That was one of the things that originally drew me to him. I like men who live on the fringes. Men who don't fit into mainstream society. I once dated a man who travelled with a carnival, and it was the best relationship I ever had. He and I are still good friends, and whenever he comes to town we have a wonderful time. He always tells me that he likes me exactly as I am, and that I shouldn't change for anyone. We both got tattooed together once. We got the quote "To Thine Ownself Be True".
I just wanted to give you a little background. How can I find a man who loves me as I am? Who actually will admire and embrace the qualities that make me unique?
I get to feeling quite lonely sometimes. I know I could pretend to be someone I am not, and find someone. But then I would still be lonely deep down, and profoundly unhappy.Been there done that. Can you offer some advice? All my life I have been told that there was something "wrong" with me because I was different. It is so bad to want to find a man who will accept me as I am? I don't want to change for anyone. Thanks.
Elaine
Answer Elaine,
There's definitely nothing wrong with you because you're an individual. You are who you are, after all - an intelligent feminist who has her own mind.
You found someone who appreciates you in a carnival?! Who would have known? Are you sure that the qualities you're looking for are most predominant in men who do not have their feet in the ground and thus are not looking for a long-term relationship? I'm sure if the main criteria is just that "he loves you for you" that wouldn't be the case.
Many liberal men could appreciate an intelligent woman who has her own mind. Where does one find a liberal man? Unitarian Universalist church. Ethical Society meeting. College professor on campus. Progressive political meetings. Well, if you want someone really special and unique, who knows where they might be? - as you pointed out - the carnival. Think about the uniqueness of that meeting. How could you find someone like that but in a place that's more apt to have men who might want to settle down?
You won't be able to recognize their compatibility with you automatically and you can't be sure they won't change like your last beau. You need to get out into the world and get to know men intimately (be in relationship that is honest). You'll probably be able to tell if the man is willing to be open and honest with you. You know one man who can be. I'm sure there are others.
Try drawing an image of the ideal man in your mind and imagine where you might find him. Don't try going somewhere that wouldn't be comfortable for you to go to, though. You're smart. I'm sure you will figure this out.
After you find him, remember that he's not really "ideal", he's human and will have faults. Hopefully you'll find a way to work out a long-term relationship without too much compromise, but when two people live together changes are inevitable.
