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Expert: Azure Date: 6/17/2008 Subject: What should I do?
Question QUESTION: Hi there. I am in quite the predicament here and I hope you can offer me some advice. I am a proud and strong feminist, and I have been for as far back as I can remember. My boyfriend has always been very supportive of my feminist views, and told me that he loved my independence and the fact that I was so opinionated and not afraid to speak my mind. He always considered himself a christian(while I am an atheist) but he was a liberal christian, and he was more spiritual than religious. He didn't be
lieve in the christian dogma, and he was always open to new ideas and points of view.
Well, he has been going through a difficult time emotionally lately. He is incarcerated at the moment. He recently attempted suicide, and had what he calls a near death experience. He believes that "God" saved him, and now he is intent on living a "good Christian life". Now religion and the bible is ALL he can talk about, and he is convinced that christianity is the "Truth". He is not even open to a different perspective. I have noticed a drastic change in him since finding religion.
He has become posessive and controlling, and he talks down to me. Just the other day I received a very upsetting letter from him. He said that if he and I were ever going to marry I would have to "accept Jesus as my savior" and live my life according to the teachings of the bible. This includes giving up my feminism and independence, because "a good christian wife is subject to her husbands authority just like I am subject to christs authority".
Women's equality is something that I feel very strongly about, and biblical teachings pertaining to women's rights go against everything I stand for and believe in. He wants me to learn to be more "submissive" and "obedient" to him.
Also, he scolded me like a child the other day when I was flirtatious with him, telling me it is a sin for me to try to "tempt him" by putting "lustful ideas and thoughts" in his head. I told him that sex is natural and healthy, and something that is part of a mature and loving adult relationship. He basically told me to shut up(not in those words) because I am a woman, and must follow his lead. I was very insulted and angry, and quite frankly I am ready to break it off with him.
One of the reasons I fell in love with him was because he was not like the men I knew growing up. He treated women with respect, and viewed them as his equals. He has always valued my thoughts, feelings and opinions. Now they don't mean anything because I am a woman.
And one more thing. He told me that I would have to bear his children if we were to be married, and not use birth control because we have to be open to "gods will". even though I made it clear that I didn't want children, and that was something we had both agreed upon. I feel like even if there was a god, he gave us a brain for a reason. so that we could make intelligent, thoughtful and rational decisions. We are not meant to be puppets. We have minds of our own. It also bothers me because I am highly diabe
tic and therefore at a high risk of complications. He is willing to risk my life?!
Sorry for the long e-mail but it's a difficult situation to explain in such a short space. Could you please share your thoughts on this? I am confused and upset, and I don't know who to turn to. I feel that since I was honest with him from the beginning about who I was(I haven't changed he has) it isn't fair of him to expect me to change to plase him. Please help.
Karen
ANSWER: first off, prison can certainly affect one's belief system--he made have adopted this approach just to get through this time and keep alive; the advice: i'd recommend tabling such subject matter until he's out, even telling him that the conversation is now off limits; certainly, if this conflict in principles were to remain beyond his release, the relationship would be over; if you feel certain that he won't be changing, then it's over NOW..
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi there. I hope you don't mind a follow up question. I just wanted to clarify something. My boyfriend is serving a life sentence with the possibility of parole. His first parole hearing isn't until 20016 though, and there is no chance he will get it. He has had some serious behavioral issues while in prison. And he is segregation as well.
I tried asking him if we could just talk about other things, but he said he was going to keep preaching at me until he changed me mind.
The follow up question I had is do you think it is ever okay for a person you are in a relationship with to ask you to change for him in some way? What is reasonable, and what isn't in other words? I don't want to be appear unreasonable. There are a lot of things that I am willing to compromise on, but this isn't one of them. I just feel strongly in equality for all people. Thanks.
Karen
Answer i think each person should tell the other what their REQUIREMENTS are for being in a committed relationship; thusly, if i feel it's a requirement that my partner try to stay in shape, i might ask that she change her sedentary lifestyle; of course, you can't ask that people change non-changeable things, like values/principles, and no one has to agree to change anything, even if it means that it won't work; ps, i have to say, considering this guy may NEVER get out, and certainly not soon, this whole thing doesn't appear very relevant; i mean, do you really want to spend your life emotionally tied to someone who's totally unavailable?
