Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/1/2008

Question
I am a single mother of two; a fourteen year old autistic boy and a charming four year. I am 31 years old and am very health conscious. Most people believe I am still in my early 20's.
There has never been a problem with me meeting guys on the street, but most of them are not what I am looking for. I am a college grad and currently going to grad school. Since I work at a school, my "eligible" colleagues are either married or gay. My desire is to meet a college educated professional, but I don't like the Miami club/lounge scene.
I have been pretty wary of dating because of my children.  The last fellow I dated, who was younger than me, preferred to stay home with my kids than to go out with me and my friends. Even odder to me was how he seemed to favor my four year old daughter’s company over mine. One incident that made his preference become evident was when he would get excited to hear my daughter’s voice and get mono toned when I got on the phone. Either way, he is no longer a candidate.
Some advice I have received about meeting men was to volunteer at some organization I am interested in, but the companies I am interested in have a minimum time restriction which I can't adhere to. I did try a nonprofit that I was not interested in and I hated it.
Do you have any suggestions on where I could meet a thirty-something professional Mr. Right without paying $500 a table?
Sincerely,

Praying for my Boaz


Answer
Hello Missy!

A woman I know does a seminar on how women can meet wealthy professionals. She opens her seminar by asking how many in the room want to meet someone that is in the top 5% income bracket. Of course, 100% of these women's hands go up.

Then, she asks, "Now, how many of you are in the top 5% of your brackets in looks, availability, willingness to compromise, profession, lifestyle, etc.?"

Ouch!

Missy, here's the problem you face: you're a single mother, not of one but of two kids. You're working and going to school (while someone else raises your kids), etc. I can only wonder how all of that has come about.

You're expectations are huge, but what you bring to the table; well, not so much. Think about this seriously: what do you bring to the table? What do you offer that makes you worthy of these guys? What puts you in the "top 5%" - among other women that are competing for the same guys?

To answer your subject-line question, yes, there are all sorts of good ones - and even great ones - left. The problem is that they're not looking for you. Even if they were, they can't find you.

These guys are often involved with the local community. Miami has a very large number of volunteer organizations and you can surely find something you're willing to donate time to, (what very limited time you have), but as you're finding out, it often takes more than you're willing or able to give.

Missy, these are the choices you made when you got pregnant. You didn't realize it them, but it's becoming pretty realistic right now.

If you want to have what you want to have; something's going to have to give. You're either going to have to spend even less time with your kids; raising the obvious question about what kind of mother you really are, or you're going to have to make choices that don't involve much time, or you're going to have to change your goals.

You're also right about bars/clubs and I'll include the Internet in that list. These are ways to waste huge amounts of time and to get nowhere. The bottom line is that you need to make some changes and I suggest at least two: expand your horizons and your "sphere of influence"; and change you goals to find the "right" guy not necessarily this 30-year-old professional. You might meet him along the way, but isn't it better to find the guy that loves you and your kids?

Once you make this decision, it gives you a number of additional options. One is to find something fun that you've always wanted to try. In other words, get a hobby. Yes, that will take additional time away from your kids, but that doesn't seem to be a huge issue for you right now. The up-side is that there are organizations dedicated to every interest you can imagine. As you get deeper into your hobby, you can get involved in these organizations and get to know others with like-minds. Now, you may not meet the man of your dreams, but remember - everyone knows someone. You might be only one-removed from him!

Let your goals be more flexible and start seeing the possibilities rather than being too narrowly defined and having none.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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