Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/22/2008

Question
hello,my names Anna.i have a difficult situation with my man and i need your help much! this is the story:i am 25 and he is 32.one year ago i began dating with him, he was my student(i am an english teacher)and i saw that he was attracted to me from the first lesson.for a month or two he tried to gain my attention and at last succeeded.we began going out every day and it seemed so nice.he was very attentive and generous to me and said he was in love with me.i was so glad and satisfied and thought it would last in this way.but soon we began to have quarrels on small details,then made up easily .and so it went on for several months,in general everything was good but from time to time we quarreled because he didnt like smth i said or did,but all the same he cared for me,he was attracted to me and didnt want to give up.after about 5 months since we began dating i had to go away to holland for several months.before i went away he said to me that although he was really attracted to me, he wasnt sure if he wanted to make smth serious with me because i didnt meet some of his requirements:i am too different from him, cant cook everything and some other details.so i went away and was there for 7 months. all this time he called me and came to me there once, then i came for 2 weeks home.he still wasnt sure all this time what to do.but i saw that he tried to close himself a bit from me, not showing his emotions too much and not doing the things he really wanted,trying to eliminate all the romantics.i tried to do smth about it, talked to him, but it didnt help.every time i tried smth it was only worse.still he didnt want to give up.finally in may i returned from holland, he met me and first days it was ok.but at that time i didnt realize yet how i needed to behave differently, so i behaved as usual,probably repeating the same mistakes.and it led to making the relations worse again.recently i read some materials on how to improve the relations( it means improving myself) so i applied what i could for a month or so and i saw th improvement in his behaviour as well.however, on 17 july on my birthday it was the worst day i guess.in the evening we quarreled because he acted too indifferently when he wanted to have some intimate relations with me and i just couldnt do it this way,i was offended.so he got irritated and said that we are totally different people and dont understand each other.then we had the conversation over all our relations and he said that there are several factors that dont allow him to have smth seriuos with me:i have a bit different mentality and way of thinking, cant cook and do household tasks well.so he thinks we will argue about this all the time until we part.so he offered to be just friends.i didnt agree and told him not to call me anymore, only if he changes his mind.he was dissappointed and sad, but at last said ok, he wouldnt trouble me with his calls and he wont think about everything once again.but he told me to think about his offer and not deny it.i didnt call him for 2 and a half days but i was so upset.i couldnt wait any longer and called him.i decided to agree with his offer.better than not to have contact with him.when i called, he felt really happy,we met to have a talk.he said that he really missed contact with me all this time and wants to have contact with me. i offered him the solution to leave everything like it was,to see each other,go out and have intimate life.he agreed with the condition that there will be no romance because hes afraid to get used to me.but i see that he is used to me and he cant live without our contact an he likes sex with me but he doesnt want anything serious.he says hes not prepared for it and he doesnt want to change himself to make compromises.
it was on sunday.these 3 days we have been seeing each other every day and he feels good about it and we have sex but no romance.i want to change the situation, i want to change myself.can you tell me what kind of things i can do to return his attraction to me and make him see me as serious material for serious relations,not only for going out together?he likes me, i know,but he keeps himself specially far from me emotionally,and i admit that he lost some degree or half of the initial attraction.but still, i guess it could be returned because he is still connecte d with me on emotional level.only what should i do to mean more for him and be the one who he will really want?i am afraid to do anything myself already cause it could spoil the situation even more and i need to improve everything till it will be as in beginning cause i dont want to lose him,i fell really good and comfortable with him.so i seek professional advice.i will be very grateful!

Answer
Hello Anna!

It took me awhile to understand that "smth" means "something" - that's a very odd abbreviation indeed!

Anna, here's the problem - you've lost him emotionally. Frankly, it's very unlikely that you'll ever get that back other than in short bursts if even then.

When a man looses his emotional connection to his partner, it almost never comes back for him. That doesn't mean he doesn't want the emotional connection however, and will begin looking for it - elsewhere. That's why he wants to continue the physical relationship but is that really going to be enough for you? I doubt it.

Eventually, he's going to meet someone else and will move on.

Let me explain to you how this works:

Just like women, most men want an emotional connect to their partners. The problem is that we have something of a "window of opportunity" built into us in order to keep us moving forward and "on the hunt". It's partially sexual, but it's also partially emotional. This is one reason why we can separate sex and love relatively easily whereas women have a more difficult time doing this.

He was emotionally and sexually attracted to you but once the excitement of the relationship wore off, he began to see the realities of things. He wants certain things in his life (just like everyone does - you included) and since he doesn't see these things coming from you, he's no longer willing to invest himself emotionally.

Even if you became the exact woman he's looking for, he's not likely to see it or believe it from you since he has so much history of you not being this person.

This is a very tragic mistke that I see lots of women making today - they stop investing far too early (if they even ever started!) in the relationship just expecting that their men should now "earn them" now, or worse, believing that they already own their guys and since they're happy, they figure that their guys should be too even if they aren't growing. The problem is that both you and your boyfriend live in a world full of other women!

He sees this possibilities with someone else and doesn't see them any longer with you - his window of opportunity has closed.

That leaves you with a choice: either just be happy to have what you have now (frankly, not very much of what YOU want) understanding that you'll likely lose him someday, work on trying to meet his needs very directly hoping that will be enough (not likely), or just move on.

I wish I had better news for you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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