Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/24/2008

Question
when is too soon to have sex with a man? im not talking about one night stands or hookups or flings or just dating. im talking about serious relatoinships that possibly lead to marriage. when's too early?

oh yeah and whens too late. its different with every guy. so how does a lady know when its the right time to make her move?

Answer
Hello!

Too early: when you're not ready.

Too late: when he loses the ability to connect emotionally.

It's unfortunate but most women try to understand this issue from the same place you are. They (you?) base when to have sex on all the wrong things. You think that if you get into it too early, then the man won't respect you and if you wait too long, he'll be off looking for someone else. Well, actually, that last part is true.

Here's a better way to think about this:

Realize that sex is a normal, healthy part of a normal, healthy relationship. You want a normal, healthy relationship, right? Then, stop worrying about the "slut factor". That's a hold-over from about 50 years ago. I don't know a man today that honestly thinks this way.

In fact, if you're sexually mature and healthy, that impresses us guys! It doesn't push us away.

So, the question as to how soon to have sex becomes "when am I ready for sex?" not "Is this too soon?" You listen to your body and emotions to tell you and frankly, that shouldn't take too long.

The reality is that women (not men) control the sex, so I teach my male students that they should have their own guidelines - and to stick to them. For some it might be 3-4 dates, for others it might be 2-3 months, etc., but they need to have a "gold standard". The reason for this is as I've already mentioned, YOU (as the woman) control the sex. Thus, they can't know what you're thinking and can't directly react to that nebulous target.

As to how soon then, it definitely works to your advantage to get to sex as soon as you feel you can. That's the time you still have access to your guy's emotional side. The reason for this is that all men have a "window of opportunity" (WOO) built right into us.

It works like this: we are waiting (and working) to get to the sex because for us, sex, initially in the relationship isn't about creating bonding as intimacy as it is for you. Instead, it's about determining if we WANT TO create bonding and intimacy with you. That's obviously a very different thing.

If you hold off too long, our WOO closes and while we'll still have sex with you, YOU will no longer have access to our emotional sides because you didn't allow us to make the determination to give it to you in the first place. Do you see how this works?

The other problem is that WOO lasts for different amounts of time for different men - and much of that is based on our own sexual opportunity. For instance, mine is very short - usually only 2-3, maybe 4 dates. If my partner isn't ready by then, I'll have 2 or 3 other women that are. They will get my attention and she'll lose out. With other guys, it can be longer - sometimes as long as 2-3 months or in very rare cases, a year.

It's too late for sex (and for you) after that WOO closes.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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