Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/6/2008

Question
Hi Dr. Dennis Neder. I was wondering when is it too soon to have sex with a guy? Cuz one of my friends slept with this guy (her boyfriend? or guy she was dating I guess) and he dumped her after that not too long after. He said "she was great in bed, but we just met and I just fucked her. So I can't trust her ever again because if she did it to me, she'll sleep with any guy."

Hmmm.

When is it too late or too early for sex. I'm really confused here. And if you sleep with a guy, does he really think you're slutty? Or was this guy just an exception.

Answer
Hello Marcie!

How rare and how unsophisticated. Is this a real scenario? Frankly, it stinks like last weeks diapers.

IF (and that's one hellofa big "if"!) it was true, this guy is a loser and you should avoid making any assumptions about the rest of the male gender based on him. Far, far more likely is that you just made it up. Not only do guys not think this way, guys don't even talk this way! How would you like men to judge you based on Rosie O'Donnell???

Ouch!!

No, guys don't think you're slutty if you sleep with them. That is a female-based belief only and has no equivalent in the male world. Further, it's totally and completely outdated! Hello 1950! Isn't it time you came to play with the rest of the adults here in the new millennium???

As far as when it's too late or too early; lets deal with one fact first:

The reality is that most men have a "window of opportunity". This window usually starts right at the moment when you meet them and ends anywhere from a few days to a few months (and in extremely rare cases where the guy has extremely low self-esteem, a few years) down the road.

During this time, he is "open" to you - physically, sexually and especially (and most importantly) emotionally. Once that window closes however, if you haven't been sexual with him he'll turn off his emotional side to you and you'll never have it back. That's when it becomes "too late". How long is that exactly? It's different for each guy, but I'll say this: the healthier his self esteem and self image are, the shorter the time frame you have. That is the reality.

Even after this window closes, he'll still sleep with you, but you'll never have access to his heart.

Marcie, there's a ton of science behind this that I'm not going to bother getting into here. It'd just put you to sleep, but suffice it to say that you need to know this situation exists. By holding off sex, you are artificially trying to manipulate things and are actually shooting yourself in the foot!

As to how soon is too soon, frankly, it depends more on you than it does on the guy. The question is when are YOU ready? You need to know that sex is an important part of any healthy relationship and if you want healthy relationships you need to be moving in that direction.

If you never come to it, his window will close anyway.

I hope that helps.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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