Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 7/31/2008

Question
this has nothing to do with dating, but perhaps you can shed some insight since you are good with interpersonal relations.

i'm a 28 year old woman and i work at an office with a bunch of 22 year old women. i don't get invovled in office gossip or politics, i just do my own work and go home.

i have been very friendly, respectful, and kind to everyone.

all the other women in my office are married, fat, ugly, and short. and im 6 feet tall, single, skinny and pretty. i have not treated them any differently but they are very bitchy and mean. they are very jealous and constantly talking about me behind my back. they are always discussing my weight and my size.

one day a really fat girl came up to me and said "we were all talking to each other about you yesterday. wow it looks like you've gained a few pounds. don't worry, it really doesn't look thaaaat bad"

it was said 'in that way' like the under handed compliment kind of thing.

i went home and weighed myself on the scale, and it turns out i have LOST 20 pounds. i dont know what shes talking about.

one day i was wearing a very nice dress to work with heels. the fat women smirked at me and told me "that's a very pretty dress and you look beautiful today. if you weren't so flat chested, it would look even better."

I'm a C cup...I don't know what she's talking about.

all the girls in the office walk around with huge sneers on their face when they look at me. when i walk by they smirk at each other.

ok now EMBARRASSING MOMENT on of the girls was going through my computer and found some porn on my laptop. OH SHIT. how embarrassing. so she knows i watch it. she went and told every single person in the office.

so now when i walk by, after they found out i watch porn, all the women give me disgusting looks, like "oh you're a filthy cockroach"

they snap at me and say nasty things with a fake smile.

i should note that these women watch porn with their husbands too...so they cannot be judging me at all.

i'm realy getting tired of these subtle disses.

how do i put a stop to this?

i should mention ALL the guys in the office are TOTALLY cool with me. even the asshole men at work don't mess with me. just thought i'd mention that.

Answer
It sounds like these women are betting on you not saying anything in return, and you are giving them the power they need to control you by caring what they think.  You are a 28 year old successful woman that doesn't have the time to worry about silly girls at the office.  

People that try to bully you are looking for you to be the victim, and you are either satisfying that need unknowingly or not.  Try not to react. Think of what their agenda is when they say something. They want shock, silence and hurt.  They are bullies that feel inferior.  The only thing they want from you is to find a superior edge by knocking you down a notch.  If they do that, you've made their day.  Don't give it to them.

Ok, I know, easier said than done.  I've been is similar situations, not as extreme, where I'm the single, more than averagely attractive, single girl in the office.  The best way I've ever dealt with people being backhanded with their compliments is by actually pretending like I didn't hear the part I didn't like.  So instead of focusing on the flat-chested part of the comment which is the part they want you to hear, I would respond with something to the effect of "Thanks, I love this dress. I found it at such and such.  You should check it out."  or, if you want to throw in a little dig, you could add, "Goodness, if my breasts were any larger, I wouldn't be able to go bra-less ever!  That would be awful, and can you imagine working out?  Hello, steel sports bra! " Make a joke out of it and Kill em with kindness, and don't ever let them see you doubt yourself.

With the weight comment, I'd respond with something like.  "Maybe I have gained weight, but, you know, it sure hasn't affected my social life." Be sure to smile and walk off.

Another way to counter these kind of comments is to throw a question at them regarding work.  It is completely unrelated to the comment, so it is as if the comment wasn't even heard.  That and when you throw a question out, you are making them think.  This is particularly good if they have to answer to you for work.  I know that if every time I spoke to someone at work and it prompted a question about work, I'd be less inclined to converse with them.

I hope this helps.

Lanay