Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/27/2008

Question
Let me start off by saying that it wasn't my intention for this quandry to happen. I've gone from a dating single to thrice-over engaged in a matter of about 2 months. I am torn about what to do
I'm 26, never married, no children. I was engaged once before, the experience left me scarred and jaded, in the near 3 years since that relationship ended, I've fumbled through a string of short-lived romantic relationships with misfits.
1st guy: End of december, I met a great match on Eharmony. He and I have spoken for hours everyday. We share a great deal of unusual interests and attitudes, we are very much compatible and we just "get" one another. He lives about 250 miles away and is working on making a permanent move to my city. Sometime in early may(?) (before even meeting in person) we spoke about realizing we were indeed the "perfect match" and simply set our ambitions (and online marital status') to "engaged". It was not until about 2 weeks ago I met the eharmony guy in person. He visited for 4 days, we got along famously and there was physical chemistry as well as the mental and emotional that we'd been feeling for so long. It felt so natural being around him, we don't always agree on everything but we are definitely cut from the same fabric and hence we respect and adore one another. We've only seen each other once in person in the 8-9 months we've known one another, and it could be many more months before his next visit...much less his moving down here permanently. Another potential problem is his temperament being much like mine...he's moody (sometimes brooding)with no explanations sometimes. He was self employed installing electronic equipment but lost his contracts a couple months ago, has since moved in with his parents. As of this week, he has found a new job and says that he would be able to transfer down to my city.  I care for him deeply and would not like him out of my life.
2nd guy: It was early march and really, I was just looking for a karaoke partner/designated driver. I met a guy online, he loved karaoke too, and decided to join me. We had a fun time singing, but I had no intentions other than those I just stated. He lives about 150 miles away, and insisted we continue seeing each other. I recognized immediately how much he reminded me of my ex finace. Consciously I knew this and decided I'd casually date him and explore the possibilities. So he'd come down on weekends and we'd bar hop, dine out, etc. I admired the fact that he is a top-notch, respectable, dedicated guy with a great attitude and very kind heart. He was getting more attached to me than I was to him. No matter how much I brushed aside his affection and attention he would just struggle more to get closer to me. He has serious financial problems and just can't handle money. This disagree's with me because I am on a higher financial plateau than him and very frugal with my money. I fear his poor business/financial decisions could end up being my problem. He also has a much higher energy level than I do most of the time (has hyperactivity disorder). His cheerful bouncing around amuses me and lightens me up, but sometimes it drives me bonkers.
I still believe that his feelings for me are probably much deeper than my own, and I feel a bit guilty for that...especially because he goes above and beyond the call of duty to be thoughtful, loving, and kind to me. I know he'd make a fine and loyal husband. I wish I would treat him better, I don't feel as comfortable being emotionally intimate with him as I do with the Eharmony guy. He has gone into a preparation frenzy for a wedding his expects us to have THIS OCTOBER. Making inviations, booking accomodations, buying the tux, bride and groom hats...the whole nine yards. I care for him alot, and would not like to lose him.
The third guy was another casual date gone awry. Daniel and I were just casually dating, and I decided to meet someone for a game of pool and drinks (once again, seeking company and a DD, really) He's a Japanese guy 10 years older than myself. He came to America to pursue being a musician, he's a successful sushi chef. We have a minor trouble communicating simply because of his heavy accent. He's the most financially stable of the 3 fiances. He's also a complete gentleman and really adores me. We share some of the same interests and I really enjoy learning Japanese from him and hearing about his culture. We went from (what I percieved to be) casually dating to engaged in a flash. He proposed to me the same month as the others, I am not sure in what order who did what. He only has one day off a week, and he insists on spending that day with me. One day a couple of weeks ago, I did as I usually do on that day and tell him "I'm busy now, let's get together later in the day". He got really upset and called it off. Not even 3 days later, he's contacting me again saying he's sorry and misses me and wants to fix things. I went out with him the other night, and he got down on his knee and proposed once again! He also revealed the depth of his feelings for me. I simply ran off to the bathroom. He too is hoping for a wedding THIS FALL and has been anticipating a honeymoon in Tokyo in 6 months.
I am not compounding the problem by having sexual relations with any of the 3 men. It's bad enough to be romantically involved with all of them at once. So I've abstained.
1st guy I would dub as being simply the best personal fit.
2nd guy I would dub as being the most realistic of the candidates.
3rd guy I would dub as being the wise choice.
I don't know what to do. I definitely DO want to get married and I feel that I have been ready for marriage for a long time, and have been waiting on the right guy...searching in fact. I stop searching and my "prayer" is answered....3 times over!!!
I guess when it rains, it pours because 3 fine fiances are dumped in my lap all at once. I have a hard decision to make and need to make it quickly before things get any further out of hand. Please help!

Answer
Hello Allison!

This is one of those cases where you're going to really hate my injecting reality and are likely going to do whatever the hell you want to do anyway - and ruin your life in the process. Oh well, I can only try...

Reality: you aren't ready to get married and you absolutely SHOULD NOT marry any of these guys. They aren't ready to be married either - not one of them.

Now that I've lost you and you're not reading any of this anyway, I'll explain all the problems here for someone else that might be reading this...

First of all, every one of these guys is somehow unable to be with you in a much greater, much more intimate capacity. At least two of them are long-distance. That means that the REAL relationship exists only in your head - not in reality. You talk about "connection" with these guys when in fact, it's all only something you've built up in your own mind. Sure, you've spent hours upon hours on the phone and a few in person. The problem is this:

Your mind actually fills in the gaps that you'd otherwise have filled in with reality. We have evolved to use all of our senses to interpret other people. We notice the very slight nuances of facial expressions, the tilt of the head and other body language, we hear extremely subtle variations in speech, we see skin flushes and irises changing sizes, etc., etc., etc. All of these impressions (available only when you're in person) are devoid in your form of "dating".

You've spent all of these hours not getting to really know these guys at all - you're own mind has filled in these gaps that you'd have otherwise had filled in for you! What have they been filled in with? Simple: your own goals! That's why these guys all seem so "perfect" (each in their ways of course!) They reflect what YOU think you want because your own mind has imbued these attributes right into them - right from your own goals, dreams, desires, etc.! You don't really even know who these guys are, but you sure think you do.

Add to this, you haven't even had sex with any of them! What's up with that? How do you even know that you're sexually compatible??? Answer: you don't. You're simply making more assumptions about all of this from your own goals, dreams and desires!

You've heard that sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship? Maybe not, but trust me, it's right up there in the top-3! What if you didn't have 1 of the 3 skills you needed to do your job? Would you still have it?

I sense that with at least two of these guys, that's the reason for the engagement - so that they can finally get you in bed - but that's an entirely different discussion here.

Allison - Stop. Just Stop. You are headed down a road that you think is what you want but you're going to find out very quickly that not one of these guys is a good choice for you. If you proceed with any of these guys, you're just going to be another divorce statistic. There are so many things screwed up with all of this from dating all these guys to the long-distance thing to the lack of sexual experience with any of them to their expectation of marrying YOU, I'm just shaking my head in disbelief.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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