Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/1/2008

Question
Hi. I am 18 and about to leave for college. I am super excited to meet tons of new people and in particular, lots of cute new guys! Unfortunately I really didn't date much in high school and have never had a boyfriend, so thus I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I am doing! I am pretty good with people in general, however I seemed to have missed the class where they talked about getting guys haha. Basically what are some good ways to get a guy's attention without making myself look like a spazing idiot in the process? Also, how should I go about approaching I guy that I like?
Also- this is kind of unrelated but I was just wondering; is college really like all those stupid stories you hear... older guys hitting on younger girls and trying to have sex with them constantly?

Thanks!

Answer
Hello Anne!

Wow! So many questions! Ok, let's jump into this:

First of all, college IS going to be a completely new and different experience from what you've known so far. That's a great thing by the way - don't be afraid of the differences, embrace them and trust me, you're going to fit right in. EVERYONE at college is going through the exact same things you are! You're neither behind nor ahead and what's even better is that YOU get to set your own new position here.

Whether you've had boyfriends or not makes absolutely no difference. In effect, the playing field is totally leveled again and everyone is starting out at the beginning. Cool, huh?

Let's start with the mistakes girls make:

Unfortunately, there are a whole bunch of "legacy beliefs" that girls not only believe, but actually try to make others believe that will simply get you shunned and ignored by guys.

For instance, one of them I'm sure you've heard, "Don't pick up the phone if he calls." Now, just how stupid is THAT piece of advice? Way, WAY stupid! Another is "Don't return his voice mail, texts or email!" We have a word for girls that do these stupid things: "virgin".

Anne, I actually see so-called "experts" right here on this board actually TELLING women to do these rude things as though they will somehow HELP the girls be more attractive to guys. In fact, it just proves to guys that you're a rude, game-player.

These are hold-overs from a dating/relationship world that existed over 50 years ago - way before you were born. That's now how things work today and not only are guys getting wise to these dumb tricks, at college (where everything is equal again) the guys will just go for girls that DON'T do these things. The guys you're going to meet will have lots of options. BE ONE OF THEM! Don't try to play these dumb games or you'll just wonder why in 4 years, you still haven't found a boyfriend.

Instead, you need to be social and active. When people call you or text you, etc., it's because they want to talk to you. Even guys you're not interested are worth getting to know at least somewhat because they may know the next great love of your life. This is simply "networking". Use THAT tool and you can't miss.

Regarding approaching guys, I'm very proud of you for asking! Some girls really want to sit back and let guys come to them, but remember: you have tons of competition. The smart girls (like you?) are going to go out and gather up what they want, not sit back and wait for whatever comes along. If you're open and engaging people will naturally be drawn to you. It's even better if you're this way and approach other people because you bring this lightness to them.

In social situations (parties, clubs, libraries, in fact anywhere there are two or more people) you can say "hi" to absolutely anyone - and you should! The more practice you have the easier it gets. Remember: nobody else knows that you didn't do this back home. You can just say, "Oh, it's just because I come from this mysterious place where everyone is happy and friendly." They'll be some impressed!

Approach people is a science in and of itself, but the trick is simply to break the ice and get to know others. The greater your "sphere of influence" the greater your chances are to meet some really great guys. This is why you don't want to "niche" yourself. Don't try to find a single click and hang there. Instead, spread your wings little butterfly!

With regards to those "stupid stories", they are partially true and partially untrue. Let me try to sort some of it out for you:

Here's the reality: in a very general way, women want relationships and men want sex. That's obviously a gross oversimplification, but what you need to understand is that men and women ultimately want the same thing, but go about getting it in different ways. Whereas you want a "boyfriend" that will eventually lead to a healthy sexual relationship (you DO what that, right) men want a sexual partner that will eventually lead to a healthy relationship. It's the same thing but we go about getting it differently.

Thus, most of the guys will be looking for a sexual partner and most of the girls will be looking for love. Neither one is right or wrong - they just "are". You want to understand this point however because your goal ISN'T to try to avoid guys that are looking for sex, but you want to manage them - and your own sexuality at the same time.

The reasons for this are far too broad to go into in depth here, but suffice it to say that whereas you (will) use sex to create bonding and intimacy, men use sex initially to determine if they WANT TO create bonding and intimacy with you. These aren't opposing goals at all with one fighting against the other. They are simply different ways of getting the same things.

The guys you meet aren't rapists however. They are trying to get their needs met just like you are.

It would have been an advantage to have explored your sexual side by now so that you had at least some tools to bring to college with you, but if you get out there, meet people, make good choices and have fun, you're going to build those experiences.

This is going to be a great time for you and you're going to forge many aspects of the woman you are to become over the next 4 years!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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