Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/11/2008

Question
QUESTION: Well, I know this might sound really stupid and crazy...But I really need your help! I would like to apologize first because my story is very long. And I really appreciate your patient! It all started with a text message. I realized that I had saved the wrong number to my cell phone when he replied me. And some how we started to text each other and we also exchanged photos of ourselves. He is a 34yr-old man with really sexy voice and he is an very successful business owner. We flirted via text messages and finally we decided to meet up. What happens next, is the craziest thing I have ever done in my life, it was my first time ever and will also be the last-----He called me on a Thursday and asked if I wanted to meet him for coffee after he's done having dinner with a client if its still early but if it gets late then we will just meet on that same Saturday as we originally planed. So I agreed. I didn't hear anything from him till almost 11:00 that night,so I thought he probably wouldn't call because it's too late. Just when I was about to go to bed, he called and apologized for calling me this late. He asked me if I want him to come over to mine place to say hi or if I wanted to go to his place. Since I'm living with my friend, I didn't think it was a good idea for him to come over so I told him I will go to his place. I don't know why I would do something crazy like that, going to a total stranger's house in the middle of the night by myself, know that something must happen...But I went to his place anyway, because I really liked him!!! For the past 5days of text messaging each other, I found him very attractive and there's something about him just really turns me on...I'm 26yrs old and I've never dated a guy how is more than 3yrs older than me, so I guess maybe that's why. Anyway, by the time I got to his house it was already 12:30am. He told me the door is unlocked and I can just go upstairs to his bed room. He was surprised that I actually showed up at his place this late by myself. We had a little conversation and I think you already know what happened after that. He was good in bed, tender and sweet. I told him to be gentle because I haven't had sex for a long time and I really was very gentle. He said he really want to make me feel good so I can tell him what I want him to do...that night I almost couldn't sleep, I was laying in his arms and for the first time in my life I felt so safe and happy. Really I know it's not normal but I felt like he is the ONE that I've been looking for. The next morning we had to wake up early because he still has to go to work. We didn't give each other a kiss goodbye or a hug... He said "bye, cutie pie. I'll call you later" with a sexy smile and I said bye to him... On my way home I wasn't happy, I was sad, I know I shouldn't have done something like this. But I really couldn't help it. I was scared of not being able to hear from him again. So I text him that same afternoon to tell him that I had a wonderful time and thanked him(I don't even know for what...). I felt so dumb and I started to worry more and more. I kinda got this wired feeling that since we've already met last night, that Saturday plan probabely won't happen. But I really wanted to see him again especially after meeting him for the first time, I started to like him more and more. And I was right! I replied to my text message regarding that Saturday plan saying "hey, thought we saw each other Thursday instead of Saturday. I made plans with my buddy and his gf. I feel bad, I'm sorry :-(". I replied "I kinda got the feeling that you would plan something else. Anyway, have a good weekend." He send me a sad face. And I replied again saying "I just wanted to sleep with you that's all." He replies "whoa, I'm a piece of meat :-( ". Me:"or were you expecting me to fall in love with u? well I actually did. for about 5hrs. Best 5hrs I've had in years. And I was kidding about the 'just wanted to sleep with you' part". And he never replied... I guess I scared him away or he thought I was annoying and childish and stupid and crazy.... But that's so not me! I wanted to be calm and I wish I could just be cool. But seems like I screwed everything up. And now I want to fix it. Because I really like him. I don't want to give up just like this, it's unfair. I haven't even got a chance to show him who I actually am. I would feel so much better if I get dumped after a really date. But at this point, I really don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep sending him text messages or call him anymore. But if I don't, I might never get a chance to see him again. So here I am to ask for help. I know most people would say "come on, wake up! He's just not interested in you. Get it over with and move on...". But I don't want to. Even if there's only a slice of hope I wanna try to fix things until there's nothing I can do. So please help me!
Thank you so much for your time and patient!
     
Sincerely, Lynn

ANSWER: Hello Lynn!

Holy shit Lynn! Why in THE HELL would you actually try to create what you didn't want to have happen with him???? What in the hell were you thinking??? You wanted to have something more than a one-nighter with him so you actually cancel a date with him, tell him that all you wanted was sex and now you're wondering why he doesn't call you???

Lynn, I don't know whether to be shocked or disgusted. I'm not talking about the sex at all here. I think that was a bold, incredible - and even smart move! You didn't do it for the smart reasons, but you got the net-effect benefit of them anyway - and then you threw it all away.

Going over to have sex with him actually connected you and him very deeply. Because of your own fears you destroyed all of the benefit you created however! That's just really, really dumb.

Please stop just reacting here and start being strategic, will you?

You absolutely, positively have to call him! He's not going to contact you after that little act. The other choice is to just walk away feeling insecure and be sad that you did this. Either way I guess you'll have learned a valuable lesson; no, not about the first-date sex, but about killing off your own chances with someone you really liked. Sheesh!

Lynn, here's what I want you to do: I want you to call him - do NOT text him! Texting is like passing notes when you were a kid in school. It's cowardly and worse, you miss a lot of important nuances in meaning. It's easy to misconstrue your (or someone else's) messages so please just stop doing this.

When you call him just act normal and say, "Hey! I missed you and our date on Saturday. Sorry about canceling, but I want to make it up to you. Are you available next Saturday? I'm going to take you out."

You're going to have to be direct and bold here. This is your chance to start to fix the damage you've created. Pick him up at his place, take him out to do something fun (your first date) and then take him home and bang him stupid.

As well, sometime during the conversation or the date itself just mention that you're sorry for what you texted him about only wanting sex. Just brush it off as some "girl-brain-fart" or something. Don't make it a big deal, but let him know that wasn't your intention at all - you really want to see where this can go.

Then, MAKE it go.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much Dr. Neder. Your answer is really really helpful!!! I 'm kinda scared of calling him but I think I'll definately try to call him. And there's one thing I have to explain, HE was the one who canceled the date on saturday. Not me. Since he didn't call me after thursday night, I waited untill friday night and he still dose call me, so I text him as asked him if we're still meeting and HE said because we already met on thursday he thought we didn't have to meet on saturday, so he made plans with his friends. And that's why I kinda got upset and said those "just want sex" thing, because I didn't want him to think I'm so into him or think that I'm desperate...Do you think I should still call him? It's been 2days since we last text each other. Should I wait for I while to call him?
Thank you very much!!!!!!

ANSWER: Hello again Lynn!

Yes, I caught that mistake (he canceled the date) after I sent you the message, but the message was the correct one either way.

Yes, I still think you should call him - NOT TEXT HIM.

Lynn, women shoot themselves in the feet all the time out of fear of looking "desperate". You don't look desperate at all if you work to move things forward. On the other hand, if you do nothing, he's not going to call you as you made it plain that this was sex-only.

Well, he MIGHT call you late at night for a booty call but that's all you're going to get from him. If you don't change that up, you're not going to have what you want. All you'll have is late-night, random sex.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder
It's me again...Thank you for your last answer! I know I'm kindda getting annoying here, I'm really sorry! I finally made the call. But he didn't pick up. It's happened before when we're still talking. He never really picks up when I call, but he always replied to my text message.(I didn't text him this time) Anyway, so I tried to block my number and called him to see if he will answer, and he DID! I hung up immediately though feeling hurt. I guess this is it???? Maybe after all he was the who just wanted to have sex???? Does he hate me that much? I'm not ugly, I've actually been told very pretty and sweet(Not trying be big headed). I can be a very sweet girl I just needed a chance to prove it to him...maybe a wealthy man like him just don't care about girls like me? I don't know... What am I supposed to do now? Give it up and move on? I think that's not fair and so not me. I want to show him who I really am. If he still don't like me after all, fine, I'll be history. How can I get him to talk to me again or at least listen to what I have to say? E-mail??? Leave a voice mail??? I really need your advice! Thank you so much for your patient!

Answer
Hey Lynn!

No, you're not annoying. Actually "irritating" is more like it!  ;)

Why, oh why do you continue to play these dumb games? You called him wanted to talk to him. As soon as you could, you hung up on him. Do you really think that he doesn't know who called? (answer: OF COURSE he knows!) Now, you look like like a psychotic stalker!

Instead of helping yourself, you're just digging yourself in deeper and deeper. Just how deep a hole do you think you can crawl out of? Well, it looks like you're going to find out!

He doesn't hate you - and you're making assumptions here. Maybe he couldn't get to his phone or maybe he was busy on another call and couldn't answer. Who knows??

As to your looks, I don't know if you're pretty or not, but I always caution women that make this assumption as the basis for it usually comes from either other women (who have VERY different tastes than men - your apparent target market) or from guys that want to bang you. In either case, it doesn't hold too much water, but the reality is that this guy at least found you attractive.

Yes, you're going to have to call him and either talk to him or leave a voice mail message. If he doesn't call you back, frankly, you're not going to know if it was just a lack of interest or (now) out of fear.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"