Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/12/2008

Question
Ok so here is my situation. I have liked this man for about two years now on and off for both of us. (We’re in college).  The first time we started “talking” and everything went well and then he disappeared and approached me one month later and everything went well for two weeks again and he disappeared and then summer came and he let for home.  I didn’t think much of it as I did not have strong feelings for him and just stayed cool. While we were in our “talking” phase it seemed like he wanted me to open my feelings more and declare us officially dating. The following year we were part of a student organization and I developed an intense hate for him (I even slapped him once)! Because he was very lazy with the organization I was president of nothing with our personal relationship.
So towards the end of the year somehow we started talking again he said he made a mistake and in the previous times it was because of his ex-girlfriend but he disappears again! I know he is still friends with ex back home but they are not in a relationship. We then started talking about a week and a half later again (both of us approach each other this time).  The semester was out now and he had left town but made plans to visit me before he left for home abroad. He claimed he was coming just to see me as none of his other friends were here.  So he came to see me but it was only for a day- he was in town for a week! He then disappeared again. He fought with me when I told him not to tell any of his friends there is something between us and he told me I need relax and this is why he won’t pursue with me further.
Now to go into detail this last time we were talking he did mention he’s very scared of anything emotional and tends to disappear when things seem like they are going in that direction.  He claims he has pushed a lot of close girls to him this way and is scared because he gets termed an asshole at the end.  I have gone with the flow pretty much and told him we’re more like friends and of course nothing can get serious or emotional right away with us.  We connect very strongly physically and mentally and can joke with each for hours but when it seems to talk about where out friendship/attraction is headed both of us have a hard time expressing our feelings and are confused.  We don’t really go on real dates to say we have the same group of friends so just hang out or go to parties. I like him very much and would like to be casually dating at least in the beginning and get to know him better for the possibility of a serious relationship. I feel like we can never get over the chase phase! I don’t ever bring up the dating topic or push him. We take breaks and start talking again as if nothing was wrong and that time is wonderful but the he disappears! He did mention once he didn’t want to pursue anything serious with us because he is afraid he will get emotionally caught up but then he came to visit me!
Help! What should I do? Is this guy a complete asshole who just keeps on using me on his own terms, do we have some sort of communication problem, is he confused and just not into me? I don’t get it! I feel both of us are strongly attracted to each other.  

Answer
It sounds to me like he is not emotionally capable/available.  It's not a good idea to get hooked on this kind of back and forth behavior.  A guy who is ready for a relationship and interested in one with you, makes it happen.

I would suggest that you move on.  He isn't ready and he has some things to work out before he will be.

Warm regards,
Susan Dunn
Dating Coach
sdunn@susandunn.cc

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