Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 8/13/2008

Question
hi
help! i really don't know what to do. I am 25 years old, i haven't got a serious relationship so far, i have sex once with a guy who i though was the one, great experience but then things dint work out. The thing is that i have problems finding a boyfriend, i don't think i am picky, i just want a descent guy, i will be 26 soon and the problem is that i haven't got a relationship in about 2 years and a half. i know that is really serious, and is not that i am that ugly, in fact every guy think i am soooooo cute but no dates, or boyfriend. What do i have to do to find a descent guy? 2 years and i half....... i am missing a stable relationship.
Thanks for reading and i hope you can tell me whats wrong with me.

Answer
Hi M,

There isn't anything wrong with you.  You can throw that idea out the window.  I've been in close to the same straits wondering if I'm faulty in some way or that I'm just not meant to find someone.  Unlovable and disconnected because I couldn't find someone.  Those type of thoughts tear down your self-esteem which only makes the situation worse.  I know, I've been there as have many other women.

Now, how to change things...Do you know what you want in a partner?  What will his look like, what characteristics will he have?  What education and career type will he have?  Does he like to travel or is he more of a homebody?  Would he rather be in the city, the suburbs or the country?  Now write all that down.

I know, how will this help?  Knowing clearly what you want will prevent you from wasting time on people that don't work for you.  How?  It will keep your standards up when you are feeling down to prevent you from settling for just anyone, and it will help you to see more of the types of men that you want to date.  Its like going fishing.  How do you know what bait to use is you don't know what fish you want to catch?  A catfish will eat just about anything whereas a redfish goes after crab as bait.

Now, how do you flirt?  Do you flirt?  I used to think I was very obvious when I flirted, but the truth is women are quite subtle even when they think they aren't.  Do you treat everyone as a friend?  Some guys have to be smacked in the head before they realize someone is flirting with them.  

Body language is important.  If you are self-conscious that shows.  People used to say I was intimidating, so I started to become aware of how I held myself.  I realized that I looked intimidating because I was trying to hide how vulnerable I felt.  My body was stiff, arms crossed and I turned my body away from my interests.  I didn't smile easily, and your smile is your greatest asset when it comes to meeting men.  A genuine smile shows kindness, and a man responds to kindness more than beauty alone.  Everyone fears rejection, so if you give off a vibe of kindness you lessen that fear.

Confidence is next, but it really is the most important.  Are you comfortable in your own skin?  I wasn't always, and the only way I overcome it is by knowing and loving myself.  It takes work and awareness.  Who are you?  What do you like and dislike about yourself? What would you like to improve about yourself mentally, emotionally and/or physically?  These questions can be really hard to answer, but if you can't love yourself for who you are, how can anyone else see your value?

One other thing.  You have to become unattached to the outcome.  If not you fall into a desperate spiral that will sabotage your efforts.  Adopt that take it or leave it attitude.  Sure, you like the guy you're talking to, but if it doesn't amount to anything, that's ok.  It just didn't happen.  It isn't anyone's fault.  You're a great lady and there will be another and another guy after him, much like taxis.

I know this is a lot of information.  If you'd like clarity or more info, feel free to respond.  You may feel lost right now, but it will pass.  You'll find clarity and purpose because you are seeking it.  Also, if you like, I have a blog at datingmadeeasyforwomen.com where I send out an article about once a week to all the subscribers.

Lanay