Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 8/16/2008

Question
The short version : I met a wonderful man who was head over heels in love me and I liked him too, but I did not show it and was sometimes distant and mean, pretending to not be sure if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I did it because I thoughtplaying hard to get would make him like me more, and because I was traumatized by my previous relationship with a man who did not show much affection and controlled me totally. I have only now just realized what a loving relationship is supposed to be like. but too late, because the nice guy lost "the spark" he had for me, probably because I did not continue to charm him and disappointed him by pretending to be an ice queen which I am absolutely not. I apologized and confessed y true feelings, but he will not give me a second chance as his feelings are no longer there. I have really fallen in love with this man, and he is great and honest not like a lot of the men out there, and I want him back. Our relationship was so short though (albeit intense, physically and mentally) - can I hope to win him back? What should I do? Can a man have the spark for the same girl again? Is it impossible to fix once it is broken? I know i am supposed to not contact him for a while, but will that not make him forget me? We are on friendly terms and he agreed for us to be friends after a cooling off period. I feel so stupid and angry at myself... is showing affection like a text message once in a while a good idea? If i show him the "real me "again could he remember why he liked me so much from the start? hat are the chances of this happening?

I give a more detailed explanation here because as every heart broken girl I believe details are important ;-) and I have read advice over the internet about getting back an ex after a long term relationship, but not after an intense "crush" that had all the best conditions to turn itself into a really nice love story (until I started acting stupidly) but was short-lived...

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I met this wonderful guy through a friend and he got "the spark" for me immediately and asked me out on the spot. I felt something for him immediately too. As we started dating he was wonderful and adorable to me, texting me, he kept complimenting me, we slept together after a couple of dates (he is only my second boyfriend and lover but I trusted him and it "felt right"). He just wanted to see me every day after work, after a week he asked me to go on vacation with him... He is so honest and wanted me as his girlfriend. I really liked him but stayed a little distant, while being cute overall. Then I left on vacation for three weeks. He called me once while I was away and would email me every few days. I answered but not over-enthusiastically. When I got back he was really excited to see me, but that is when I messed up: I spent five evenings/nights with him that week and on the seventh day he dumped me (nicely)saying "this dating thing is not going to work".

The problem is I am a very nice and sweet girl, but at 23 I have only had one boyfriend (for a year and a half) who was not good to me, and strung me along for another year and a half after we broke up (calling me to go on vacation with him but as a friend with benefits, and other such nonsense, and I was so in love I accepted everything). He hurt me terribly, drove me crazy for 3 years total since even when we were broken up I obsessed about him and he took advantage of that power he had over me, my family and friends were worried for me - but now I am finally recovered from him (he has been so nasty all the last times I've seen him that I am disgusted by him now). However he has given me wrong and unhealthy ideas about relationships - he would not hold my hand or display affection in public, told me women should not talk about personal things or it would make them look insecure and unattractive, and overall gave me the impression love is all about power games. I spent our whole time together devising ploys to get him interested in me again (if I didn't call for a couple of weeks he would want to see me again etc).

This was a bad relationship (not that my ex is completely "evil" - I am also to blame for having let me treat me badly) but when I met this new wonderful boy, who treated me like a princess, I messed it up. When I got back from vacation I applied those stupid "rules" and patterns my ex had taught me. I wouldn't hold my new man's hand in public although he kept asking me to, was dismissive of his display of affection, told him I was the perfect "non-girlfriend" (I still can't believe I said that!), was sometimes grumpy, criticized what he was wearing, and not nice to him. I was not always like that of course, but the last night when we were out of with friends I was particularly unkind.

I was also ashamed at having had only one bf when I gave the impression of being so experienced. Hence  refused to tell him about my past and my exes, although he told me about his when I asked, and he said "he didn't know me". It seems so dumb now, but at the time I took him for granted and I thought that I could say whatever I wanted, he was hooked on me it would be ok (I myself had let my ex treat me badly and didn't complain...). I thought that our relationship needed drama, to be spiced up, that if I played hard to get he would be colder towards me and I would love him more... Because I was madly in love with ex because he kept pushing me back, and I thought that was the only way I would feel passionte love!

Anyway to cut things short I treated this adorable man badly instead of continuing to charm him and fuel his crush - and he broke up with me at the end of the week. I believe we have so much potential. I am 23, he is 28 and is such a catch - has a good job, good looking, only long-term girlfriends, same education level, same tastes, he is European like me, charming, funny, and well quite simply he made me feel so good and raised all my self esteem my ex had crushed.

I regret not having told him at the time how much I appreciated what he was doing for me, he was just perfect in everything he did, and inside I glowed but outside I was being distant... instead of just enjoying the falling in love part! When he broke up with me I was terribly upset and I sincerely apologized for my behaviour, I explained he was only my second bf and how my ex had "traumatized" me, and that it had gone so fast and I was scared and in truth had become so cynical about men from magazines and books I'd read that I did not know how to enjoy a good relationship when it did come my way! I'd never held hands with anyone! This man was very surprised to be only my second bf (I have a lot of men who want to date me, I am in a university in NY which makes meeting guys easy, but I have never liked any of them and so far always called it quits after a few dates). He was even more surprised when he realized I had feelings for him - he thought I didn't care at all!

I asked for a second chance, to be the girl he had a crush on again, I mean I messed up and played games but am genuinely a very nice person and I have never hurt or been sarcastic to anyone before him. He said he understood my belief that if we spent time together he would like me again, but that for him the spark was gone and he didn't not think it would come again. When he first met me he saw great potential and thought I could be the one for him, (I saw it too). H says he doesn't know why he stopped liking me, that I shouldn't blame myself, but it is easy for me to guess why. I was not always nice and pleasant, didn't try to make the relationship work as much as he did, took and gave little back, and although I am cute and sweet natured, my behaviour must have disappointed him and hurt his ego. Who would stay with a girl who isn't appreciative?

However in the week after the break up I saw him twice, and assured him I understood his decision and respected it and would still like us to be friends. He warmed up to that and became flirtatious, complimenting me on my looks as he did before and how our intimacy in bed had been so great, and said he didn't regret a thing and I should not blame myself. We had a great conversation and I could tell he still liked me, I was charming and cute, and he said "who knows, maybe I will fall madly in love with you again and then you will be the one who won't want me anymore". At a dinner party at my place a few days later he continued to flirt, dancing with me and telling me I was "hot", and clever, and a great girl etc.

I was hopeful of gettinghim back because he still flirted, and made the mistake of telling our common friend, who is a 19 year Russian girl who is rather cold - she was telling me "It's over. He'll never take you back. Get over it you're being stupid". She got mad that I kept asking her for information about my ex when she didn't want to talk about him, she said didn't want to intervene... and ended up telling him that I was only pretending to take the breakup well and that in fact I still had feelings for him and that he should have a conversation with me to make things clear and take away my hope. Which is what he did.

If our first post-breakup conversations had been amicable, and rather cute (I showed my affection without being pushy), there he was cold and firm, and I made the mistake of arguing with him ("it's not fair! how could you judge me after just one week? Can you not forgive me and give me another chance?"). As a result, he said he wanted some distance btw us so that we could cool off, and that we could be friends again later. Nice and honest, but it crumbled my plans of making me like me again, since he now is "afraid" of being around me.

I did not contact him for a week after that, I know I have to let time pass and respect his decision. When he first met me he had invited me to go to Peru with him as he istravelling there alone for two weeks(back then I had stupidly hidden my enthusiasm),but after the break up the trip was ruled out of course. I was really disappointed and called him yesterday, to ask if I could come as a friend for afew days in Peru and he said yes. However in the middle of night, just before leaving for the aiport, he emailed me to say that he prefered the experience of travelling alone and that he hoped I didn't mind and that we could travel together later in the year...

I'm disappointed and maybe I should have talked to him more about my expectations for the trip, reassured him that it wasn't a trap to get him back (although, well, of course I was hoping to spend qualitytime with him and impress him). But what is done is done.

I am sorry for writing such a long explanation but I was betrayed by my close friend and am afraid of alienating my other friends if I continue talking about this heart break with them. They don't understand how I could be so in love after just a few weeks, but truth is it took me over a year to find a man I liked (I went on casual dates with over 30 guys, all students, or traders or lawyers and what not...) and in whom I saw real "potential". Getting dumped probably has made me love him more, but I promise there is much more to it, he just treated me so well I have truly fallen head over heels in love without being fully conscious of it at the time. It was so "easy", I complained about the lack of challenge... I could hit myself!

I am not moping around as much and am concentrating on schoolwork, i know life goes on, but am still very depressed (it goes by phase) and angry at myself. And I keep hoping.

Do you think this man could fall in love with again, or was our relationship too short (about 5 weeks, 3 during which I was away)? If you break the "mood" at the beginning of the dating period is it impossible to fix? If I can hope to get him back, what should I do? I can't help thinking I have my wrongs, but he could have given me a second chance... I know I would have, and forgive, if the person was sincerely sorry. But I know I can't force him to like me, either.

Once again I am sorry for this novel length answer, I just feel very alone and inexperienced, and I really want to fight for this man. He is worth it. If my "friend" hadn't intervened and we had continued seeing each other and flirted, would we be together again? Is his trip to Peru a bad thing - I mean will he forget me, and does time passing just makes things worse and estrange us more? Should I contact him when he gets back or wait for him to contact me? How should I act? Is there hope or once a man has made up his mind and has been disappointed he won't try again? Especially if he doesn't have a long history and a long list of happy memories? If he had such a massive crush on me once, could he like me again, or once the spark is gone, it is gone for good? Do a lot of people get back together?

Answer
First of all I'm sorry this happened, but you may have dodged a bullet.  I can't believe you behaved so badly ...

Like this part I don't get -- When I got back he was really excited to see me, but that is when I messed up: I spent five evenings/nights with him that week and on the seventh day he dumped me (nicely)saying "this dating thing is not going to work".

I do see several strategic things you did that do NOT work with a man, including begging him to take you back.  I'd like to see you get some dating coaching (email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc).  

At this point I would not contact him, and "friends" "after" doesn't work.  You don't mean it.  

For some reason it did not work ... I hate to speculate since I only have one side of the story - but it just didn't go, and I wouldn't put that much blame on yourself.  The ambivalence about the Peru thing, for instance.  This is the sort of roller coaster that you do not want to get on.  

Hard as it is, I would bless this one and let it go.  I don't want to go into the things you did that don't work in this email, but there were some strategic errors.  If you'd like coaching, I'll be glad to go over them with you.  But, among other things, once there's a break and the girl turns and pursues, it is practically impossible to salvage the relationship.  I will be glad to explain why but that's just the way it is.

I'm sorry this happened.  It may have to be a lesson learned.  Coaching will help you see the twists and turns of it for future reference.  I also do believe you dodged a bullet with him.

All the best,
Susan Dunn
Dating Coach
Check out THE BLOG:  http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com