Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 9/24/2008

Question
Hello there.. How are you? It is hard to organize my thoughts because I have so many but please bare with me.
I have been improving myself. I read lots of books and studied the type of women that have easy times with men and ones who have the tough times. Sadly I am the complicated, emotional type, therefore have a rough time.
The truths I know: Do not call men first.. Do not reply to men more than once per their contact.. All communication counts as the same(phone, email, text and instant messages).. Dramatic displays are not easily coped with by men.. A loser is a loser.. Knowing when he isn't too into me (mostly simple if you refuse to chase).. Men go through fear before they attach (Causing me stress, causing them stress, the end of everything).. and connection, fun and sex does not mean he will want a relationship. I got it!
But my problem isn't attracting men. It is keeping them. It always seems like it is something! A few short examples are; The guy that connected well with me but drank too much and wouldn't leave the dating site.. The guy I wanted so bad that my thoughts and feelings were yucky to him (common).. And a slew of guys that are just not up to par (erectile difficulties, anger, selfishness, lies ect..).
I am everything the books say I should be. Youthful acting, confident, fun, I laugh at myself. I wont allow a purely physical relationship and I let my wants and desires known from the start. I do get emotional and mess up sometimes..
I help people with a few rules, people think their situations are so unique but the answer is right in front of them. Am I missing what is in front of me? I feel so intensely in the beginning that I worry 'til they think I'm icky, they withdraw more and I act even worse, it is so common but where is the cure?? (I call it putting nails in the coffin). I need a new set of rules :( ..Emotional stability techniques? Something

Answer
Hi Erin,

I'm fine.  Thanks for asking.

Sadly I am the complicated, emotional type, therefore have a rough time.

Let me begin by saying that your situation is not that unique - mainly because it's just take time, and going through a certain number of men, before you find the right one for you.

However many are out there (and you don't say how old you are), there's a perentage you must eliminate - emotionally unavailable; too harmed by past relationships and haven't healed; womanizers; men who will never marry; addicts; men who can't hold a job; and then ones with things like too many kids, or don't want kids.  The list goes on and on.

So, it isn't necessarily YOU.  Men will hunt for a woman, some of them just aren't suitable (it isn't YOUR fault), and are often completely unaware of this.

Here's one thing you might do - look for a man who has a more modulated approach to you.  The ones who come on too strong too fast, the ones most likely to get you 'emotional,' usually are not appropriate to date.  For marriage anyway.  I don't know how you begin, but begin slowly.  Don't reveal too much too soon.  If he does, consider it a big red light.  This includes therapists, past-wives and partners, anxiety attacks, and long distribes about what's wrong with (whatever), or just talking about himself.  Don't mistake self-pity for empathy.  Easier said than done, but me just aren't as empathic as women, except when they are hurting and then they can APPEAR "sensitive" when they are really into self-pity.

There's an old saying that if it begins too good, it will end very bad.  Keep that in mind.

From my long experience as a dating coach, even people who go on and marry break up about 3 times.  Just the nature of the game.  You have to learn to remain steady.  Know what you want.  And YOU manage the pace.  Other "rules" are ones like don't reply to his anything for 24 hours.  Make sure he is DATING - calling you and asking you to "meet up after work" that night is not a date.  Be a bit myterious; you don't have to, and should not, reveal a whole lot about yourself at first.  

I suspect there are other things going on here and recommend that you have some individual dating coaching.  I can go over with you point-by-point, pick up on what's going wrong, when and why, and start training some new behaviors into you that will allow you to succeed.  It's one thing to say "remain steady."  Another thing to know how to do it, and to do it consistently.  

Keep the faith though, because there's a lid for every pot, and someone is out there looking for you.  One rule you didn't mention is this one - that you pace the relationship so the man can't scare himself.  Of course NEVER PURSUE.  I would say it is impossible to retreieve a relationship where the man has disappeared and the woman starts calling and txt msging.  IF he disappears, let him.  "Men fall in love in the spaces."  YOu simply MUST learn how to handle the anxiety.  

How?  Well, look back over the ones that didn't work that you are now GLAD they didn't work.  Consider always that when they get weird, you may be dodging a bullet and let nature take its course.  It's more typical than not for them to disappear at some point.  LET THEM.  If they come back, you take them back on your own terms, and then you definitely have the upper hand.

There's a lot more I could go into but do not have the space here.  I STRONGLY recommend dating coaching for you.  email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc .  Very much so in your case this would be an investment in your future.  We'll find out what you are doing wrong!!

All the best,
Susan Dunn
The Dating Coach
DATING COACH BLOG:  http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com



I am everything the books say I should be. Youthful acting, confident, fun, I laugh at myself. I wont allow a purely physical relationship and I let my wants and desires known from the start. I do get emotional and mess up sometimes..
I help people with a few rules, people think their situations are so unique but the answer is right in front of them. Am I missing what is in front of me? I feel so intensely in the beginning that I worry 'til they think I'm icky, they withdraw more and I act even worse, it is so common but where is the cure?? (I call it putting nails in the coffin). I need a new set of rules :( ..Emotional stability techniques? Something