Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/24/2009

Question
Hi Dr. Neder,
I’ve read few of your answers and even people who asked maybe don’t like them, I think you are brutally honest, smart and brave. That’s why I would like to hear your opinion.
I’m 42 woman who recently met interesting guy on Internet. I noticed him first, sent him a letter and after he answered, we begin to write each other slowly (once a week). We’ve written about many things and realized that we have similar taste and interests (it seems) about everything - about art, music, books, movies, music, but also about life and moral values.
Our first phone conversation lasted almost two hours, and that was the same with our second and third conversation. Then we decided to ho out and meet each other. That (first) date lasted six hours and I think it could lasted longer. We spoke of many things, we laughed, walked… It was beautiful…  
Our second date was beautiful too, although it lasted “only” 4 hours. We set close to each other in the restaurant, touched our hands, spoke, enjoyed...
I think he enjoys while he is with me, but I'm not sure. I am pretty much confident that he listens very carefully what I’m talking about, but simply I’m not sure is he interested enough for me. He doesn't call me often and I'm going already up and down. I sent him a letter and he needed three days to response and then he spoke with me more then hour. Then, he call me two days ago and asked me why I never call him and can I do that during my working hours. I said – yes, I’ll call you and I did that today. That was 9 hours ago and feel pretty disappointed because he still didn’t answer. I’m pretty pessimistic, but still have a little hope that maybe he is a bit interested in me. I really enjoy his company and he looks like enjoys my company, but then he doesn’t call when he said and look like a lost in the space (or maybe I am) or (more likely) has a another girlfriend.
I’m wonder is this the beginning or the end? I need opinion from you Dr. Neder.
Thank you very much in advance.  

Answer
Hello!

"Brutally honest, smart and brave"??? Well at least I'm brutal! Let's see if you still feel that way after you read my answer!   ;)

Something is wrong here. His actions don't match up. Let me say first that many people don't like talking on the phone. I'm one of them, but that doesn't explain his lack of, or length of response to you. Frankly, that's just rude!

Here he is, supposedly on his best behavior and he's this distant? It doesn't add up. You've had some great dates and conversations, but he seems aloof otherwise.

I think there's definitely someone else involved here.

This is a good time to put things on the table with him. I suggest that you coordinate to meet him somewhere over a drink or coffee. Tell him that you're starting to become more interested in him but that his lack of attentiveness is making you wary and will cause you to lose interest pretty quickly because you're on different tracks moving at different speeds.

It's entirely acceptable for you to have your own boundaries here - and to learn his. If these don't match all the art and books and movies and music aren't going to make you two a match.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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