Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/14/2009

Question
Hi,
I’m a college student, and I think horns must start growing out of my head whenever I venture out in public.  At weddings, conferences, or the grocery store I feel like the lone goldfish in a glass bowl – everywhere I turn someone’s looking at me – and that can make me uncomfortable and self conscious.  At a small school it can get pretty awkward with certain classmates tending to keep an eye on me from a ways off/when talking to their friends and then avoiding eye contact up close.  I’m not an ogre so what’s going on?  Although I can be reserved (try not to intrude or come on strong), I am social (unless I’m lost in space) – just want to be nice and friendly, brighten people’s days, and have fun.  But it’s difficult to smile and say hi to people who won’t look at you after you catch them staring!  And 99% of the time (guys or girls) I’m the one starting the conversation and then lots of times the guys start acting nervous.  What’s the matter with me?  They’ve got no problem talking to other girls.  

I’m getting weirded out.  For about an hour yesterday, I’d catch this guy looking at me whenever I looked up (while I was working) but he never did anything but that.   A few hours later at a store, a cashier sees me, steps back behind my cashier, peeks out, then walks away to the back of the store.  Felt like he was running away but I swear I wore deodorant.  Then I run into this guy that I’ve had classes with nearly every day.  I’ll turn around and he won’t look up after that.  Waiting for class or during group projects I’ve tried to be friendly/make myself agreeable.  Same story… hiding, looking at the ground, not talking where most people would smile and make small talk.  Today, while waiting to talk to a prof, he did look at me, smile, and speak for the first time.  However, when I came out, he was looking at the ground and mute once again.  

Don’t know what’s wrong with me or what I should do.  Sometimes it feels like I must be gross or have the plague.  Am I that off-putting?  Please give it to me straight as it sucks being alone all the time.  

Thanks,
K


Answer
WILL TRY AND ANSWER THIS WITH THE INFORMATION GIVEN.

I’m a college student, and I think horns must start growing out of my head whenever I venture out in public.  At weddings, conferences, or the grocery store I feel like the lone goldfish in a glass bowl – everywhere I turn someone’s looking at me – and that can make me uncomfortable and self conscious.  At a small school it can get pretty awkward with certain classmates tending to keep an eye on me from a ways off/when talking to their friends and then avoiding eye contact up close.  I’m not an ogre so what’s going on?  Although I can be reserved (try not to intrude or come on strong), I am social (unless I’m lost in space) – just want to be nice and friendly, brighten people’s days, and have fun.  But it’s difficult to smile and say hi to people who won’t look at you after you catch them staring!  And 99% of the time (guys or girls) I’m the one starting the conversation and then lots of times the guys start acting nervous.  What’s the matter with me?  They’ve got no problem talking to other girls.  

PEOPLE LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE ALL THE TIME, YET WE KNOW THAT IT'S CONSIDERED "RUDE", SO WE LOOK DOWN WHEN THEY LOOK UP.  WHY THEY ARE LOOKING AT YOU, I WOULDN'T KNOW.  MAYBE YOU ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE.  

YOU SEEM TO THINK THAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE LOOKED AT YOU SOMETHING ELSE IS FORTHCOMING, BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE.  SOMETIMES WE JUST LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE!  IF SOMEONE WANTS TO COME UP AND SAY 'HI' TO YOU, THEY WILL.  

I’m getting weirded out.  For about an hour yesterday, I’d catch this guy looking at me whenever I looked up (while I was working) but he never did anything but that.   QUIT LOOKING BACK AT HIM.

A few hours later at a store, a cashier sees me, steps back behind my cashier, peeks out, then walks away to the back of the store.  Felt like he was running away but I swear I wore deodorant.  Then I run into this guy that I’ve had classes with nearly every day.  I’ll turn around and he won’t look up after that.  Waiting for class or during group projects I’ve tried to be friendly/make myself agreeable.  Same story… hiding, looking at the ground, not talking where most people would smile and make small talk.  Today, while waiting to talk to a prof, he did look at me, smile, and speak for the first time.  However, when I came out, he was looking at the ground and mute once again.  

CAN'T REALLY TELL WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.  MAYBE YOU NEED TO WORK ON HOW TO MAKE SMALL TALK, OR MAYBE YOU ARE EXPECTING MORE OF A RESPONSE THAN A CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE WOULD WARRANT.

ALSO, IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO STARE AT YOU, YOU WILL FIND THEM.  STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.  GREET PEOPLE YOU'D LIKE TO GREET, AND RESPOND IF SPOKEN TO.

SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T HAVE SOCIAL GRACES.  I'M THINKING OF AN ENGLISH PROF AT COLLEGE WHO WEIRDED ME OUT AND I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING I DID.  WHEN I THOUGHT BACK ON IT SOME YEARS LATER, AND TALKED W/ SOMEONE ELSE WHO HAD DEALT WITH HIM, THEY SAID, "DIDN'T YOU KNOW HE WAS JUST WEIRD.  HE COULDN'T DEAL WITH PEOPLE."

THAT HAPPENS.  

Don’t know what’s wrong with me or what I should do.  Sometimes it feels like I must be gross or have the plague.  Am I that off-putting?  Please give it to me straight as it sucks being alone all the time.  

NOW "BEING ALONG ALL THE TIME" IS ANOTHER STORY.  SOUNDS LIKE YOU COULD USE SOME COACHING ON PLAIN OLE "SOCIAL SKILLS."  HOW TO MEET AND GREET.  IT WILL HELP YOU -- FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TIME.  EMAIL ME AT  sdunn@susandunn.cc IF YOU ARE INTERESTED.  

All the best,
Susan Dunnn
www.susandunn.cc
http://improveyoureq.blogspot.com