Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/19/2009

Question
QUESTION: hi, im 33yrs old seperated woman with 1 five yr old kid, havent been dating anyone since 5yrs now, but though unsure, nervous n scared of the future, would want to get on with life.. have had nasty experiences before in life in regards to men n relationships.. dont know how to take my steps towards a steady , sain, normal relationship n life..
i feel my question is as confusing as i am.. help i feel im sinking..

ANSWER: Hello Sandra!

No, I understand what you're asking. You want to know how to create a strong, passionate, worthwhile relationship while mitigating the risks of being hurt to all but nothing.

The answer is just as simple: you can't.

Consider this: any relationship you get into where you don't invest yourself completely isn't one that's worth having in the first place. The reason for this is simple: you want depth and intensity, you want joy, you want love. These things only come when you can throw (most) caution to the wind and just "be" within the relationship itself without fear; or at the very least, to know that you'll be able to deal with any hurt you do encounter.

It's that last sentence that's your key to getting what you want.

Let's say that you had spent the last 5 years working on your own personal, inner strength. You had used that time to build yourself up and to come to a place where you realized that you could handle anything you encountered. Would that change your options today? You bet it would!

Of course, you and I know that you haven't done this. How do we know? Simple: you wouldn't be writing this question to me now. You'd be out taking the risks you need to take in order to have what you want!

So, my question to you is this: what are you waiting for? Oh, right. You're scared. Well honey, welcome to the club! EVERYONE is scared of getting hurt. Well, actually ALMOST everyone. There are those of us that have been through all the hurt and strengthened our characters to the point that we realize that no matter how badly we hurt, we'll survive it. There are those of us that actually seek out the chance to be hurt because we know that's the only way we'll find the degree of excitement and passion in our lives that we want - and richly deserve.

This your answer: start right this very minute to seek out those emotional roller coasters. Go find your chances to get hurt and begin to discover what many people before you have found - that you can actually get through these things and by doing so, have something so incredible that they write songs, books and plays about it.

You deserve these things as much as anyone, but it's YOU that has to walk out your door and go find it; fearlessly, confidently and with the focus of getting what you want.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello,
Thanks for the reply most appreciated. I don't get to go out much as i work shifts and single I'm a single mom living in a foreign country without family, I'm a nurse. I have lately been chatting with a gentleman though he doesn't live near by, not very confident(Internet) but as for now thats the only safest mode for me, getting there i think yes taking baby steps in the direction.
Thank you somuch for replying, you have no idea how much it meant for me.
Regards Sandra

ANSWER: Hello again Sandra!

You're very welcome.

One more piece of advice: AVOID the internet to meet men!!! There are a ton of reasons why, but here are the most scary:

1) You'll likely find long-distance people and long-distance relationships NEVER work out. They always end badly.

2) The internet is a filter and as such, people that meet via it are far less likely to offer up common social graces while bringing huge expectations up front.

3) Without being able to meet the man in person right away, you build up all sorts of false images about him (because your mind WANTS him to be Mr. Right) and thus, you over-try to believe he's something he's not.

4) He'll do this with you too. That's very hard to live up to!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi DR. Dennis,
Thanks again for ur advice. Yes the thought did go through my mind on how true people are on the net n if thats what i really want.. The thing with me is, work and home at the moment are the only places i seem to be relaxed n in my element. Thats my "happy place". I am not comfortable in a crowd or amongst strangers at parties as such, and tend to actually get cold feet and shy away if ny person does show any signs of interest.The first image that flashes through my mind when i speak to a guy who is sending out signals of being interested in me is of my daughter, and that just puts a full stop to everything. Inside i feel consumed with fear. So to avoid ny further embarrassment and awkwardness to myself n others i keep myself discreet n detached.
Oh god! i sound so pathetic and sad, but i don't like what i have become, i wasnt like this atall.
Sandra..

Answer
Hey Sandra!

You've come full-circle on this.

It's these very fears, lack of self-confidence, anxieties, etc. that you need to work on in order to start having the relationship(s) you want. That is your charge for the next year.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"