Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/21/2009

Question
dear susan
i have a massive problem with meeting and attracting good looking guys or men i like. to be honest i am confident and attractive. the guys that dare to approach me are usually older or not attractive!! oh by the way i am quite tall but have curves in the right places. my friends say that i scare them away with appearance and attitude. when i go places i get noticed allot and men only stare but don't come up to me!! i am getting tired of it. i cant help that i look this way! i am down to earth, intelligent and caring. i don't fit in at all in the category of stuck up pretty girls! where am i going wrong? should i approach them? if so aren't men put of by desperate women?

Answer
Dear Mariya,

Well, it would be very good to explore what it is that's putting men off.  It sounds to me like you would really benefit from personal coaching in this area.  If you are interested, email me at sdunn@susandunn.cc.

I'll say what I can with what you have written.  These are only guesses.  I would have to talk to you.  Your "confidence" may be coming off as "arrogant" or "cold."  You may appear too stiff and aggressive -- sometimes women try and take their work-persona into the dating world and it doesn't work.  I would listen to your friends about your "attitude" scaring them off.  I have no idea what that might be, but you might, if you thought about it.  There are just things I would need to talk with you about -- and I could probably tell right away in a conversation. It could be your tone of voice - an abrupt or tense tone of voice, for instance, is off-putting.

Also take note of what your friends said about your appearance.  You can't do anything about what's hard-wired ... but you can do a lot with clothing and accessories.

The dating ritual is hard-wired in both sexes. You need to learn how to flirt and be approachable.  It's subtle and it can be learned.  When I hear someone saying "I'm getting tired of it," that's one thing that may be showing ... no one wants to approach someone who's sick and tired of the whole thing.  You have to PRETEND like this is all new and fun - and really it should be.  No man who is right for you is going to be "scared" by your appearance, so I bet it's your attitude.  Also men watch how you react to other men.  You have to learn how to brush one off without scaring off any other man in the room.

One thing you can do is read about flirting - wikipedia has something.  It's more beneficial to watch the women that do it well, and are successful.  Notice their nonverbal behavior - how they sit, hold their head, what they do with their eyes, how they react when a man approaches them ...things like that.  

Of course men are put off by desperate women, and also by aggressive women.  It's the man's joy to do the courting, so don't disappoint them.  They like to work at it, but you can't make it TOO hard to them, just hard enough.  I suspect that you need to learn to show more femininity.  Hard to describe in writing - light, flirty, soft, giggly, receptive, coy and mysterious, helpless (in that - well here's an example, if he asks you for his phone number, don't take out a piece of paper and write it down - let him find pencil and paper).  Listen more than you talk.  Don't appear competitive.  

Lastly, everyone has trouble meeting the right guy - until they do.  You have to keep at it, work at it, and keep a positive attitude.  That's one thing coaching is good for.  Don't get discouraged.  It will be worth it in the end.

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
THE BLOG:  http://datingcoachblog.blogspot.com
sdunn@susandunn.cc

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