Expert: Dr. Dan - 1/12/2009

Question
QUESTION: I am with my boyfriend for a year now, he tried to break up with me 3 times, but eventually he returned to me, saying he loves me, i am sure he is my soulmate and that we are perfect for each other, He is 3 years younger than me (24), and he sais he is in a dillema, he misses his life as it was before me, as a free man, free to do whatever he wants, meet with his friends, talk to other people. He says when he is with me he feels the need to be with me all the time, and he doesn't feel right leaving me alone at home, and going out with the guys or something. I told him it-s ok to do that, but still he does nothing about it. We are smuthering each other and i feel, one day he'll want to break up again, because even though he loves me, he wants to find himself, to be also an individual not a half of a couple, he is to young for a serious relationship, i can't be relied upon, he thinks i am too childish. I want to know what i can do, so our relationship can go forward, and be better then ever. I know there is still alot of passion between us, i love him a lot, and i would do anything for him. Please help ,

ANSWER: Dear Ana,
I can tell how much you care for your boy friend.  He doesn't sound ready to have the kind of relationship that you want.  Understand that none of this has anything to do with you.  It's his issue that he feels like he can't go do anything and that he won't take the initiative to go out with his friends.

I'm not telling you to leave him because that's not my place.  But I am going to say that people come into and out of our lives for a reason and a purpose.  Sometimes they are meant to be set free because there is something that each of you are meant to learn from all of this.  He sounds like he's make it clear how he feels but may be confused in what step to take because of his feeling for you.

Since you can't control what he will do then I suggest that you get very clear of what you want and don't want in a relationship.  I always tell people that clarity is power.  Once you know what you want then it's easy to tell if it's right for you or not.


By the way this is Siri Shakti.  My husband Dr. Dan and I do our work together and I wanted to help you with this.


I would love to go deeper into this but I can only spend so much time on each question.  If you like  Dr. Dan and I are offering one free relationship/life coaching session over the phone.  It would give us more of a chance to help you with this situation.

Or you can call into my weekly "Ask The Real Love Guru" radio show
and I can answer it on there in more detail. Sometimes I take a
written question from here and answer it on the show too. So make sure
to tune in to see if I answer a similar question or your question.
Follow this link to get the details of the show http://www.TheDrDanShow.com

You can also download three free chapters of Dr. Dan's books at http://www.TheLittleBookofSecrets.net

Have a great night,
Siri Shakti Kaur
siri@rockstarinlife.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello again,

My fears were confirmed. In the same day i wrote you this message, i got home and he was waiting for me with his bags packed. He said he can't stay anymore, that his isn't right for him, and he has to go to find himself. I cried but agreed that if he thinks this is best for him he should go, and let him go. He said he still loved me, but he can't do this anymore. After 4 hours, he called me telling me he is on his way over to my house, that he love me too much, and he can't stay away from me. I was upset, and asked him, if he is 100% sure, because it is too painfull for me and i can't do this back and forth thing no more, and i'll only let him come back if he is sure. He said that he is sure, and he love me, and begged for me to forgive him for all the miserry he caused. When he got to my placed, iw as still upset, and we talked, and i wanted him to promiss me that he's coming back forever, or if he will leave again, i will not get back together with him, and that it will be for good. This was the 3rd time in 3 months he was doing this and i can't do this anymore. He promissed and felt guilty, and was surprised by my attitude, because when we broke up before, i never was upset when he came back, i was greatfull he returned and expected him with open arms. He said that now he was feeling that i lost my trust in us, in him, and that he hopes everything will be ok, and that he didn't ruin everything for us, with his sillyness. I told him that even though he did what he did, i trust in us, and in him.
After we made-up, things started to go bad again.
A few days after he told me is not fair of me to make him promiss forever, if he doesn't feel it, because he doesn't know what will happen, because a few months ago he felt forever is possible, but now, we are making it work, and he doesn't feel like promissing forever now. Then I got sick, and i can't have sex with him for 5 weeks. We are very active sexually and this is such a big problem for him, as he is only 24. He tried to be supportive, but this really kills him, making him edgy and nervous. Yesterday we argued, and he got all depressed, and said this is like a neverending nightmare, and he just wants things to be like before, normal...I told him it's not my fault i got sick, and he knows this, but can't stop feeling depressed.
This morning he told me, he loves me, and we'll get through this, but i am afraid about how long this posittive thinking will stay with him.
I forgot to mention that he started to see his best friend, and that they will go out more often, so the going out individually thing problem, i think will be solved soon.

I don't know what to do, how to act this weeks. Stress is very bad for me, really. I think if iwill continue being depressed and upset i will end-up nowhere good, or even with cancer as my grandmother, who also got cancer because of stress. My imunne system is very low...i am getting sicker and sicker. Now i even have Herpes on my lips and we can't kiss for a week, even that has been taken from us. I hope this month won't bring us appart. After all this i am beginning to loose faith, but i don't want this.
How can i make this month about bonding us more together, than to guide it without wanting towards breaking up?

Thank you,

ANA


Answer
Dear Ana,
You have quit a situation here.  I don't usually tell people to break up a relationship but this case seems very different.  

Here's the thing.  You're current relationship is so unhealthy for both of you.  I mean just look at how sick you are now, that is no mistake.  In fact my great friend Guru Singh told me that when someone gets very ill it's actually internal conflict that has been pushed down so far that it's forcing it's self up and out any way it can release from you system.

I'm sure he loves you but that's not enough.  He has a lot of growing up to do.  From what you've said I can tell he doesn't know what he wants and it won't just stop, usually these kids of behavior get worse before they get better.

If I were you not mater how bad it hurts I would take time for your self.  You can't even take care of you because you're so stressed and consumed with the pain of the relationship.  And this back and forth stuff isn't fare.  

I hope I'm not stepping on toes here but I have to give you the advice I would want to hear.

You're too young to have these issues.  You deserve a happy and loving relationship, minus the chaos.

Best wishes to you,
Siri Shakti
www.maketheworldyourstage.com