Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 1/29/2009

Question
First some background..I met this guy through a mutual friend last summer. This mutual friend and I slept together once (one drunken night) before I met this guy. We all hung out together during the summer, as friends, no romantic angles anywhere.  He left at the end of the summer, to return home for school. We kept I touch and he's come back to visit since. During one of the last visits, I felt different around him, an attraction, more than friendly. I didn't act on it. Now I have a really big crush on him, but don't know what to do. He lives 5hrs away, and the mutual friend (whom I slept with) is his best friend. I'd like to try something more than friends with him but I don't know how he feels, nor how everything will work because of the friend. Is this something I should just give up on? How can I pursue him without coming off as desperate? Im usually very picky about men to date or form a relationship with. Please coach me..

Answer
Dear Sarah,

Give it some time and see if he has changed feelings too.  If he does, he will act on them.  I assume that he knows how to get a hold of you.  When a woman pursues, in any way, it messes up the natural chemistry of things.  For one thing, you never really believe the guy likes you when you do the pursuing.  And in this case, you need to know, because of the previous thing with his best friend.  

I've coached many men in dating.  Believe me, if a man is interested, he will pursue.  If he doesn't he isn't interested.  It's sad when you have a crush on a guy that doesn't feel the same way, but it's not a good idea to waste your previous time if the feelings aren't reciprocated.  There's someone out there who will return your interest.

Lastly, this is not a "lecture," it's coaching.  What happened with the best friend is best left out of your repertoire in the future, because you can see what a mess it makes.  The male mind naturally categorizes things; it's hard-wired that way and that includes people, and women.  You don't say whether he knows or doesn't, but if he does, he will have factored that into the equation, and it won't work in your favor.   

Good luck!
Susan Dunn
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc