Expert: L.E. Coleman - 1/18/2009

Question
QUESTION: I love my husband but now I am wondering if I married him to feel like I was married to the lead singer of my favorite band.I would have married him if he looked different and I was still attracted to him.I would have still wanted to marry him.I've had boyfriends in the past that looked NOTHING like the lead singer of my favorite band.Let's say that the lead singer of my favorite band didn't exist but my husband still looked the same way,I would still love my husband because that's what I am attracted to physically.I know that we will both change as time goes on and that's fine.Let's say that I looked your wife looked like Angelina Jolie but Angelina Jolie didn't exist,you would still love her because that's what you are attracted to,right?Do you get what I am saying here?I believe that I would still had married my husband even if he did look different.There are times when he doesn't look like the lead singer of my favorite band and I still love him.When we got married I did think "When we have sex,it will feel like I am having sex with the lead singer of my favorite band." or "When we get married,it will feel like I am married to the lead singer of my favorite band." but of course I knew that I am married to my husband,I'm glad that I am married to my husband.If I had to choose between th elead singer of my favorite band and my husband,I believe that I would pick my husband.He means more to me.And then I asked myself,which one do I love more,Sex or my marriage,I pick both because sex is a part of marriage but on an importance scale,my marriage is much more important.Personally,I could do without sex,it's not that important.I could have went my whole marriage without sex and I would still be happy.So I do love both sex and marriage but sex is a small part of marriage.But I still question myself about it.I seriously don't think that I would replace him for anything,ANYTHING in the world.I mean if GOD forbid,he got in an accident and lost all of his limbs and had a disfigured face,I just can't see myself leaving him for some reason.I still believe that I might have still married him even if he didn't look the way that he does,I strongly believe that but even something is trying to doubt me about it.I just can't and especially in his time of need.From what you have read,does it sound like I would stay with him even during something like that?Answer this question as well.I would do anything for him because I love him so much.I don't expect him to be anyone and I don't want him to be anyone.I definitely don't expect him to play a guitar or anything,I just want him to be him and I wouldnt mind it a bit if he did change his appearence.But now I am asking myself,would I rather had married the lead singer of my favorite band.I know that I won't but I mean,it would be cool but the thing is that it would not be my husband.And that's the problem,the lead singer of my favorite band is not my husband and I don't want my husband to be the lead singer of my favorite band.I want him to be him,that's all I ask of him.He reminds me so much of the lead singer of my favorite band.But sometimes when I don't like my favorite band anymore,I lose a little bit of interest in just band.But maybe that's because me and him just haven't been very close lately.Is that why?I'm questioning if I lve him now.All I know is that I have immense feelings for him that I have never had for anyone else in my life.And they are deep feelings.It's like he is my other half and that I am not complete without him,I need him and want him.Does it sound like I still love him from your opinion?

This is why I love my husband and why I married him.-

1)He's handsome.

2)He's funny.

3)He's nice.

4)He's loving.

5)He's caring.

6)He's understanding.

7)He's honest.

8)He's loyal.

9)He's romantic.

10)He's sensitive.

11)We share a lot in common.

12)He was rich-that doesn't matter though.

13)He looked like someone famous-That didn't matter either.

14)He has great eyes and great hair.

15)He's original.

16)He's gentle.

17)He's dorky-I like that.

18)He's shy.

19)He's smart.

20)He's idealistic.

21)I don't know what I would do without him.

22)I don't want to imagine myself without him.

23)He's responsible.

24)If he left me,I would probably kill myself.

25)I want to be with him forever.

26)He's muscular.

27)He's healthy.

28)He loves me for who I am.

29)He has a great personality.

30)He's helping.

31)He's not prideful.

32)He's not rude.

33)He knows how to make me laugh.

34)I love being in the presence of him.

35)Being around or with him makes me just feel warmer or better.

36)He's trustwothy.

37)He's decent.

38)He's everything that I ever wanted in my life.

39)He makes me feel like a different person,in a good way.

40)He's determine.

41)He's supportive.

42)He's straight forward.

43)He's comforting.

44)He's courteous.

45)He's simple.

46)He's good in bed.

47)He's creative.

48)He's soft.

49)He's sexy.

50)He's settled.
51)He's spontanious.
52)He's a gentleman.
53)He's warm-hearted.
54)He's forgiving.
55)He's organized.
56)He's fun to be with.
57)I love his voice.
58)He's random.
59)He's a good listener
60)He a good provider.(and I am too.)
61)He has a great smile.

I know that it's a long list but he is a great man!Something's telling me that I pushed myself to marry him but yet I love him.I think that sometimes,I expect too much of him.I wanted to be the greatest wife to him but I'm not.I'm faithful.I'm honest.I'm loving.I'm caring.I'm loyal.I would do ultimately anything for him.I want to be with him.If I didn't want to be with him then I would not have married him.I don't want to imagine myself without him,I don't mean financially either.He's means everything to me and I don't know how else to describe this feeling that I am having about him.We we're friends for two years and dated for five years.I wanted to make sure that this was the man for me before I married him.I do not a day in my life,regret marrying him.Ever.I love being with him and being his.He's the one that I truly want to be with.I wouldn't replace him with anyone in this world,anyone.These are my true feelings.I don't think that I have had such strong feelings for anything before him,he's everything I have ever wanted in my life.I can not express my feelings for him.He can hurt me but he can't ever make me hate him or stop loving him.It's like an unconditional love that I have for him.He's my best friend and my husband.I feel like now my life is complete with him in it and I couldn't as for more.Does it sound like I love him?Does it sound like I regret marrying him?What does all of this mean?What is causing this underestimation?What is you true opinion?

Will he divorce me for any of this that you read?

I mean,but even if I say that I wouldn't marry him if I wasn't attracted to him physically,isn't that still bad.I mean looks do play a role because I think that it plays a role in public appearence of how you feel with that person and the sex.You can't say that they are a great person but they're ugly on the outside,can you?
I asked myself,do I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband and I seriously believe that I do but I keep doubting myself.This is why I believe that I want to-
I love him so much.
I don't want him to divorce me.
I don't want to leave him.
I want to be with him until I am gone,even if we are old.
I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone but him.
Is that how you know?

I really love him and I feel that I do want to be with him until I am gone.And even if I left or he left,I couldn't stay away,I would have to go back to him,even if we were old.I just can't see myself leaving him if we were old.I could still see myself in a happy life with him when we are old.When we do get old,I do still want to be with him and I know that because I do want to spend my life with him.That's why I am scared of him leaving me.Yes,I'm a little insecure.I married him because I loved him at the time and I still love him even more but I was hoping that we would stay together for a long time,what does that mean?
I just don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life,I want to be with him though because I love him.I know that I want to be with him no matter what the circumstances.I love him.I know that if he left me or I left him that I couldn't stay away from him for long,I would have to come back.I know that even if we were both old,that I would still love him and wouldn't leave him.But what if I lose love for him or lose interest in wanting to be with him anymore if we got old.We wouldn't be attractive to eahc other physically.We would still love each other and care about each other.But how do I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.I know that I want to be with him and I don't want to lose him.
I can see us being together forever but I just can't see us getting old physically,you know what I mean?
I want to be with him even if we are old.
I just don't want to lose him.
I want to be with him.
I can see us together forever.
I know that there is basically nothing that he can do to make me stop loving him,he could hurt me,but it wouldn't be enough to make me hate him.
I'll put it this way,the only thing that is making think that I wouldn't want to be with him when we get old is how we would look.But then again,every one gets old.And if I had to spend my life with anyone,it would be him.Does it sound like I want to be with him for the rest of my life?Will he divorce me for this?Does it sound like I don't want to spend my life with him?Does this mean that I don't love him?Will he be hurt because of this?This makes me want to kill myself because I really love him and I if he left me,it would definately tear me in two!
I knew that when we married that we were suppose to stay together for a long time and I am most willing to do that.

I love him more than anything and if he left me,I would go crazy.I want to be with him,I don't want him to leave me.I just don't know what forever will bring.What if we just grow apart in the future?What if I am not attracted to him anymore or what if he isn't attracted to me anymore.I don't want to imagine my life without him,now or in the future.He's the only guy that I would ever want or ever have really wanted.If he left me because of this,I do not know what I would do.I really love him.When we got married,we promised to be with each other til death do us part and that's what I want to do.I am just a little paranoid of what the future holds.I do want to be with him until the day that I am gone so I guess that means the rest of my life,right?I wouldn't replace him with anyone in the world.

I would just feel lost without him.I don't want to imagine my life without him.Everytime we do have an argument,which is kind of rare,I am ALWAYS willing to work it out because I want our marriage to last forever.Even when were old,I still can't see myself leaving him,I can't see myself not loving him or caring for him,I can't see myself not wanting to be with him.
I know that I love him and want to be with him for as long as I live and I know that because I don't want him out of my life,I don't want him to leave,I would feel lost without him,I love him,and because I want to spend my time on earth with my husband even if he was old.

I do want to spend my life with him.
I don't want to lose him.I want to be with him as long as I live.
I'm just afraid of not wanting to be with him in years from now.I don't want to feel that way towards him.We have a strong marriage.I am just so scared that he will lose love for me if he knew this or that he would be terribly hurt if he thought that I didn't want to spend my life with him.

I don't know what to do!I want to be with him even when we are old,I want to spend my life with him.Even if God forbid,he loses a limb or gains weight or loses his hair or gets a disfigured face or developes a mental illness,I still want to be wtih him and would be hurt if he left me and I would be hurt if he thought that I didn't love him.

I want to be with him and I want to spend my life with him and I know that without him,I would feel empty.I have a habit of doubting myself over everything.

Will he want a divorce from me now?
Will he be hurt now?
Does it sound like I want to spend the rest of my life with him?
Does it sound like I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him?
Does all of this mean that I do want to spend the rest of my life with him?

I do not base love on looks,I just used that for an example.
I know for sure that he is the only man that I want to be with and if he left me,I wouldn't at all feel complete.Does this mean that I want to be with him for the rest of our lives or should I just take our marriage day by day?

But I am afraid that I will lose the interest I have in him in the future.Not only are we going to change physically but maybe even mentally and emotionally.What if we lose love for each other and don't want to even be around each other?
I love him so much.It's just that I know right now that I want to be with him but I am afraid that I won't feel that way in years from now,I don't know if I will,all I know is that I will still love him and won't want to lose him.Does it still sound like I want to spend my life with him?
I am afraid of what the future holds.And let me clairfy this,his looks don't really matter to me because as he changes,I'll be changing also.His looks are just a bonus in which I do appreciate.

ANSWER: There's nothing to worry about. And right now your operating emotionally from a state of fear. (False Evidence Appearing Real) There is absolutely no way for you to predict your future with him.  The fact that you have these questions surfacing is really a good thing, even though it seems like you're betraying him for even having these thoughts.  I understand all the wonderful things you say about him and the fact that you love him.  But all the qualities and the reasons for staying with him are simply rationalizations.  That is to say, you're looking for reasons not to feel the way you do. You really don't feel that there's any reason to leave this relationship and you think about what it will do to him.  This is not so good.  It sounds like you're coming full circle and are now at a point of evaluating this relationship for what it is.  Your husband could be all those wonderful things to you but that still wouldn't mean that you're suppose to be together.  However, on the other hand, your being together may have nothing to do with anything you have spoken about.  When soul mates are brought together they internally know it even though there are times in the relationship when things may get a little rocky and one may think about leaving or whatever.  But the truth of the matter soul mates KNOW that they're suppose to be together and there's no way of getting around this intense knowing. One thing is for certain:if you allow fear to dominate your thinking you can be that the thing you fear will come upon you.  That is, your fear of him, or you leaving will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will eventually part ways because fear and love cannot possibly operate in a loving relationship.  Fear comes when we are abnormally attached to what we perceive as our possession. Your husband was complete in himself before the two of you ever got together and so were you.
If your husband is a spiritual mature man this conversation wouldn't be the end of the world.  For all you know, he may be having these same or similar thoughts.  Men are less likely to voice them and kind of go with the flow.  You mission--should you choose to accept it--is to enjoy this relationship as it presently is. Your past with this man is gone--recorded in your memories.  The future does not exist and you have no control over whether there will be one with this man or any other.  All you have is this moment.  Learn to live in the NOW.  By the way, physical attraction does matter and it matters a great deal.  Physical attraction is the first in line in the law of attraction.  We would never give people a second thought if they didn't appeal to us physically.  However, the spiritual law of attraction supersedes it. When the spiritual law of attraction is in play, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're suppose to be with this person.  No one can tell you what this is like because I'm sure it's different for everybody.  Your husband may be the one or he may not be.  Only time will tell.  But your writing me shows me that you are in a spiritually evolutionary process.  Give up the need to worry and allow things to happen according the universe. You won't be able to keep this relationship if it's not meant to be, no matter how hard you try.  As a matter a fact the harder you try to maintain it and hold on to it the greater the resistance will be.  Force always produce counterforce. It's a natural physical as well as spiritual law.  Enjoy him for the time you have him and remember that he is not your possession. He's a divine entity sent into this physical reality to live out his own purpose.  With or without you he must be himself and experience everything he was sent here learn--and this applies also to you.  Move through your fear. Don't suppress it or attempt to deny that you feel thing may not last.  Again, one thing is for certain: It won't last if you're afraid of it coming to an end.
Please feel to read any of my articles on girlsaskguys.com

God Bless

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: But sometimes when I don't like my favorite band anymore,I lose a little bit of interest in just band.But maybe that's because me and him just haven't been very close lately.Is that why?I'm questioning if I lve him now.All I know is that I have immense feelings for him that I have never had for anyone else in my life.And they are deep feelings.It's like he is my other half and that I am not complete without him,I need him and want him.Does it sound like I still love him from your opinion?
NEvertheless,it's more than just physical attraction there and it's more than spiritual and mental attraction too.All I know and all he knows is that we are meant to be together,we don't doubt that!But why do I keep doubting me love for him?am I insecure?

P.S-I totally agree that physical attraction does matter,a lot of people just don't like to admit it!=) Please respond!

Answer
If, for some reason you and your husband have  lost a little bit of closeness, there's a reason for it and only you and him know why. If you haven't figured it out it's time to take a look back to when things started to change a bit. You keep mentioning the band, singer or what not--you must make sure that you're not in love with an image.  If you and he really believe you are meant for each other, go for it.  It still sounds like you love him.