Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 1/7/2009

Question
QUESTION: My girlfriend introduced a man that she grew up with to me but the funny
thing is I live in Los Angeles and he lives in Michigan. she mentioned to me
that he's been close to marriage 2xs. I'm divorce with 3 kids(1 in college, 1 a
Sr. in high school and a 5th grader). He mentioned to me when we first
started talking which was Dec '07 that he doesn't mind marrying a woman
with kids and helping take care of them. He's mentioned to me how he's been
hurt more than once. He's a very nice guy with very down to earth somewhat
old fashion ways in which I like. He has no problem telling the truth about
things. He has his own company in which he makes in the 7 digits. We talk
daily and I may call him before he goes to work or he may call me before or
once he's there. He's a very busy man. Just the other day I told him I lloved
him and I think it really shocked him. We didn't talk the rest of the day. So I
called him the next day and he said he was busy. I texted him and told him I
felt like a fool telling him that but he said it was okay because he said I could
tell him anything but his response was I just want a good friend and than he
said he talks to me over the phone and through text more than his family. I
told him whenever he wants to talk than he can just give me a call. The next
day he's sends me a text that was sent to him at 5:30am my time that read,
"When you look back it hurts when you forward it scares you but  if you look
on the side of you I'll be here for you always. Please send this to anyone you
don't want to lose in 2009". I texted him back and said it's okay if your a bit
afraid so am I. Now I'm not sure if I should continue and how much should I
call him or should I. The whole weekend has passed and we haven't spoke.
What should I do now?

ANSWER: Hi Rhonda,

It sounds like you've run into a decent man that just can't commit.  Those are the most frustrating type because you just know that you'd be great together if only he wouldn't run from it.  Hey, I've been there more than once, and I can tell you the best thing you can do is be in the position to let it go.  Most likely if he's running now nothing you can do will change that except letting it go.  You've already tried the understanding route and that didn't work.  It's time to try something different.  I know that hurts, but if you chase after him, he'll just continue running.  Let things lie.  

Adopt the take it or leave it attitude.  If he can't handle the pressure of a distant relationship, how could he handle anything close.  You don't want to pin all of your hopes on that.   Let his actions tell you he wants more, meaning he needs to reach out to you with more than a late night text.  You deserve more than that.

I hope this helps,

Lanay

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Should I just not say anything else to him about my feeling as well as not talk to
him anymore

Answer
You have been pretty clear about your feelings.  Further clarification isn't necessary.  It's up to you whether you talk to him anymore.  Just don't be the one doing the reaching out.  You did that and he ran.  Let him make the effort going forward.  He can call and text all he wants.  Unless he makes a pointed move to go beyond that, assume he can't.  It's beyond what he can give.  

Take care,

Lanay