More How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams Answers
Question Library
Ask a question about How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams
Volunteer
Experts of the Month
Expert Login
Awards
About Us
Tell friends
Link to Us
Disclaimer
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
About Susan Dunn, Dating Coach
Expertise
I can answer any questions regarding attracting the man of your dreams including preparing yourself, letting it happen, The Rules that work and the rules that don't, meeting him, the first date, the dating relationship, recreating a failing relationship, how to tell if he's serious or not, how to get him to marry you not just date you, romance, everything. I coach clients how to do it step-by-step, and walk them through the process. I've talked with thousands of women ... let me help YOU.
Experience
I have had years of experience coaching women on how to meet and marry the man of their dreams. How to catch him and keep him! Also how to get him back when he runs away, or how to get him to marry you when he's committment-shy.
Organizations
Founding member of CoachVille and member of original R&D team. Former Board member and former Board chair for numerous local organizations.
Publications
I am widely published on the Internet on subjects related to dating, romance and marriage, as well as other lifeskills topics. (It isn't just about "dating," it's about YOU.) I'm rated A-plus on ideamarketers, and my articles regularly appear on websites around the world.
Education/Credentials
MA in Clinical Psychology.
Awards and Honors
I have an international coaching and consulting practice, I train and certify other coaches worldwide, and have been a regular presenter for the cruise lines.
Past/Present Clients
I have helped many, many women find the man of their dreams - and keep him.
| | |
| |
You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams > Dating a commitment phobe
Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 10/25/2009
Question
QUESTION: I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. He is loving, caring, gentle and sensitive. I was constantly breaking up with him because I felt that we did not see each other enough. I did not feel like a priority. He has a very demanding profession and I also feel that he may be set in his ways - he is very structured and likes his routine. He is many years older than I. He is 38. He has expressed to me on many occasions that he has had difficulty with commitment in the past and rarely goes on more than a couple dates with a girl - that is until he met me.
Several weeks ago I got upset with him over the fact that we hadn't spent any time together in a few days and he responded by breaking up with me. He said that he wasn't looking for a long term commitment.
For two weeks I did not contact him or see him . I went out one night to a louge and ran into him. He told me that he missed me and that he loved me. I was pleasant. Two days later he texted me when he was out and obviously drunk - asking if he could come over. I allowed him to. With his guard down he revealed many things that I was not aware of prior to this night. He had previously sought treatment for his phobia , but that he did not continue with treatment ( i think it was difficult for his masculine pretense to accept that he had a problem and needed help from another doctor - he is also a M.D). He repeatedly told me how much he missed me and how he hasn't felt this way for someone in a very long time. He said that he doesn't understand how he became so attached, and how he never gets jealous or cares for girls usually. The thing I am most concerned about is that the night he contacted me, he learned that I had kissed another man with some what higher status than he - men are so competitive . Since that night we have been in contact everyday, but i do not know whether we are back together, the important things that need to be discussed haven't been and I am scared that if I bring them up I will push him away.
I love him very much and I was devastated when we broke up. I want to help him but I also know that I cannot do the work for him, he has to want to change. Is there anything I can do ??
The thought of moving on is unbearable!
ANSWER: Dear Melissa,
Oh my.
Well, you could insist that he get counseling/therapy if he wants to continue to see you.
I think you need to take a stand here. You have allowed yourself to get back in the same situation - where you don't know where you stand and that he is ambivalent about a commitment. Or, as you say, what needed to be discussed hasn't been discussed. You let him come over drunk, and on the spur of the moment. This just encourages more of this on-again off-again stuff.
You need to figure out what you want and then hold out for it. Does he discuss "the future"? Is he making plans in advance with you? Has he introduced you to his family? Does he use the word "we" when he talks about the two of you? Is he consistent about what he does? Does he do what he says? (His actions are more important than his words.) What does "been in contact" mean? Is this more phone and text messaging?
It sounds like a push-pull thing. He leaves, then comes back. You close in, he leaves again. A man who really wants a relationship with a woman reassures her about these things. It is true that sometimes they'll pull out one last time just before they make the commitment, and that sometimes if you can weather this without treating him like the kid that he is, he'll stabilize and propose. You don't say if he's ever been married before, etc. The main thing is that you not allow yourself to get in a holding pattern again. Don't make yourself so available. For heaven's sake don't move in with him, or let him move in with you (I hope you haven't done this). And hold a part of you aside until you get a better idea what he is doing this time. You don't want to waste time on a man who won't commit and further, you don't want to get your heart broken again. It is time for him to "stand and deliver." Otherwise you have fantasy, push-pull, and stuff that will eventually drive you nuts.
All the best,
Susan Dunn, M.A.
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc
The Dating Coach
eMail me for coaching plans and rates. It's a super investment in your future.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Susan,
It has been 9 days since the first day I ran into him. The first night was a Friday ( he was telling me how much he missed me and that he loved me...he wanted me to go to his place and declined). The following day I did not hear from him , he was on call and at the hospital. Sunday was the night that he came over and slept at my place, the next day (Monday) we went for cofee, took my dog for a walk and he asked me to run errands with him. Tuesday it was his cousins birthday and I met him and his cousin out for drinks ,later he walked me home and stayed for a bit. I did not see him Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. Wednesday he was in his office from 8-6 then was on call at the hospital till midnight. He has always called me when he is driving home from work and he has resumed this ritual.We usually speak for on average 30-40 min while driving. On wed and thurs I also spoke with him at length on msn ( this is how we usually communicate when he's in his office during the day). Friday I texted him that I was sick (UTI) and he called me on his way to work, and on his way home from work, asking me how I was feeling, but did not offer to bring me anything.
Last night, which was Saturday, he texted me in the morning asking how I was feeling ,he then called me at 5pm and I ignored the call ( trying to not be available all the time) Later that night I saw him out at his cousins PART 2 birthday celebrations.He seemed happy to see me, he monopolizes my time, he was very attentive, demonstrative, always hugging me, kissing me , whispered in my ear that he loves me. I verbalized my displeasure that he should have offered to bring me soup and had been more sympathetic. He works in critical care and seems insensitive to minor ailments.
In the 6 months that we have been dating, I have never reciprocated with an " I love you ' back. I do love him and I want to say it but for whatever reason I am never able to. . I am not as verbally expressive about my feelings as he is.
He has never been married, he has only had 2 serious relationships prior to ours ( 1 in medical school, he said they were more friends than anything, the 2nd relationship was more passionate than the 1st. That relationship was on and off for a few years, and I believe it fell apart because he was unable to commit. For two years prior to me, he was a serial dater. He tells me that he hasn't felt like this for someone in a long time. He feels that we are compatible on all levels...We have great conversations and the sexual chemistry is amazing. I am integrated into his close circle of friends, 2 of which are his first cousins but I have not been introduced to his parents. He is Jewish and I am Catholic. He once told me that his Mother would be disappointed if he didn't marry a Jewish girl, but that she would accept it as she is a sweet person.
I do not live with him, although in July, I was looking for a new place to live and in passing he asked me to move in with him on more than one occasion . I declined.
You said ' take a stand ' ? Can you clarify what you mean by this and how I go about doing so. Should I cut off all contact with no explanation or should I ask to meet him and tell him that I want a meaningful relationship and if he does not want the same thing, tell him that I am moving on?
Is there a strategy that I should use right now? I don't want to push him away by pursuing him and placing demands, but at the same time I need to know that this is going somewhere?
When you say its time for him to ' stand and deliver '...what do you mean? Do I wait for a grand gesture?
P.s A litte background information. I am a 23 year-old full-time university student . My career aspiration is be a clinical psychologist. I also model part-time.
He is 38 years old. He practices in critical care medicine. He is humble, sweet, affectionate, demonstrative(in public and private) and very attractive.
Thank you so much for your advice .
Answer
Dear Melissa,
You would really benefit from some relationship coaching. This all got off on the wrong foot. I don't think you even know what you "want" now except for what is/was going on ... and that the push-pull is very exciting etc.
All this time you talk about, he is NOT asking your out on a date. He's calling you when he's bored in the car, or tired ... whatever. He "drops by", you "stop by" and "run into." This sort of "hanging out" and "hooking up" which is prevalent today, leads to ... just about what you have right now. Of course the guy's going to take it, why wouldn't he, but it ends up with him getting what HE wants, and you not getting what YOU want.
When it gets into this state, it's good to break off and make a clean start again. Which you also did not do. Here's one way to do it. Next time he slops over into your life because he has nothing better to do/picks up the phone and speed dials you because he's bored in the car/runs into you ... sorry to be so blunt, but I want you to see this objectively ... next time one of these occurs, and it would be nice if it were at his place, where you might have left a few personal items, don't get MAD, but pick up your personal items, head for the door and say, "I love you lots, sweetie pie, but we aren't after the same thing."
Then leave.
Then wait. You do not owe him an explanation. There is nothing to talk about. You aren't mad at him, you just aren't going to continue this way. It sends a message. Talking only goes so far with a man. "Actions speak louder than words."
Sometimes it takes them months, like 3-6, to figure out they can't live without you. Sometimes they figure out they CAN live without you. But either way you win. Because what you have now is nothing. No, actually it is WORSE than nothing.
If and WHEN he re-contacts you, he had better have his ducks in a row, with a plan, a date, and a firm statement of what his intentions are. You must demand this of any man, unless you just want this hanging-out, hooking-up stuff. In which case, keep doing what you've been doing, only hang onto your heart next time, because it leads to this sort of sloppy, ambivalent, nerve-wracking entanglement.
All the best,
Susan Dunn, M.A.
Add to this Answer Ask a Question
|
|
