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About Susan Dunn, Dating Coach
Expertise
I can answer any questions regarding attracting the man of your dreams including preparing yourself, letting it happen, The Rules that work and the rules that don't, meeting him, the first date, the dating relationship, recreating a failing relationship, how to tell if he's serious or not, how to get him to marry you not just date you, romance, everything. I coach clients how to do it step-by-step, and walk them through the process. I've talked with thousands of women ... let me help YOU.
Experience
I have had years of experience coaching women on how to meet and marry the man of their dreams. How to catch him and keep him! Also how to get him back when he runs away, or how to get him to marry you when he's committment-shy.
Organizations
Founding member of CoachVille and member of original R&D team. Former Board member and former Board chair for numerous local organizations.
Publications
I am widely published on the Internet on subjects related to dating, romance and marriage, as well as other lifeskills topics. (It isn't just about "dating," it's about YOU.) I'm rated A-plus on ideamarketers, and my articles regularly appear on websites around the world.
Education/Credentials
MA in Clinical Psychology.
Awards and Honors
I have an international coaching and consulting practice, I train and certify other coaches worldwide, and have been a regular presenter for the cruise lines.
Past/Present Clients
I have helped many, many women find the man of their dreams - and keep him.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Dating > How to Attract the Man of Your Dreams > Dating a commitment phobe
Expert: Susan Dunn, Dating Coach - 10/24/2009
Question
I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. He is loving, caring, gentle and sensitive. I was constantly breaking up with him because I felt that we did not see each other enough. I did not feel like a priority. He has a very demanding profession and I also feel that he may be set in his ways - he is very structured and likes his routine. He is many years older than I. He is 38. He has expressed to me on many occasions that he has had difficulty with commitment in the past and rarely goes on more than a couple dates with a girl - that is until he met me.
Several weeks ago I got upset with him over the fact that we hadn't spent any time together in a few days and he responded by breaking up with me. He said that he wasn't looking for a long term commitment.
For two weeks I did not contact him or see him . I went out one night to a louge and ran into him. He told me that he missed me and that he loved me. I was pleasant. Two days later he texted me when he was out and obviously drunk - asking if he could come over. I allowed him to. With his guard down he revealed many things that I was not aware of prior to this night. He had previously sought treatment for his phobia , but that he did not continue with treatment ( i think it was difficult for his masculine pretense to accept that he had a problem and needed help from another doctor - he is also a M.D). He repeatedly told me how much he missed me and how he hasn't felt this way for someone in a very long time. He said that he doesn't understand how he became so attached, and how he never gets jealous or cares for girls usually. The thing I am most concerned about is that the night he contacted me, he learned that I had kissed another man with some what higher status than he - men are so competitive . Since that night we have been in contact everyday, but i do not know whether we are back together, the important things that need to be discussed haven't been and I am scared that if I bring them up I will push him away.
I love him very much and I was devastated when we broke up. I want to help him but I also know that I cannot do the work for him, he has to want to change. Is there anything I can do ??
The thought of moving on is unbearable!
Answer
Dear Melissa,
Oh my.
Well, you could insist that he get counseling/therapy if he wants to continue to see you.
I think you need to take a stand here. You have allowed yourself to get back in the same situation - where you don't know where you stand and that he is ambivalent about a commitment. Or, as you say, what needed to be discussed hasn't been discussed. You let him come over drunk, and on the spur of the moment. This just encourages more of this on-again off-again stuff.
You need to figure out what you want and then hold out for it. Does he discuss "the future"? Is he making plans in advance with you? Has he introduced you to his family? Does he use the word "we" when he talks about the two of you? Is he consistent about what he does? Does he do what he says? (His actions are more important than his words.) What does "been in contact" mean? Is this more phone and text messaging?
It sounds like a push-pull thing. He leaves, then comes back. You close in, he leaves again. A man who really wants a relationship with a woman reassures her about these things. It is true that sometimes they'll pull out one last time just before they make the commitment, and that sometimes if you can weather this without treating him like the kid that he is, he'll stabilize and propose. You don't say if he's ever been married before, etc. The main thing is that you not allow yourself to get in a holding pattern again. Don't make yourself so available. For heaven's sake don't move in with him, or let him move in with you (I hope you haven't done this). And hold a part of you aside until you get a better idea what he is doing this time. You don't want to waste time on a man who won't commit and further, you don't want to get your heart broken again. It is time for him to "stand and deliver." Otherwise you have fantasy, push-pull, and stuff that will eventually drive you nuts.
All the best,
Susan Dunn, M.A.
www.susandunn.cc
sdunn@susandunn.cc
The Dating Coach
eMail me for coaching plans and rates. It's a super investment in your future.
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