Expert: Lanay Stockstill - 10/18/2009

Question
Your profile says that you do have some expertise in the area of identifying relationships that should be let go of, and that's what I need to know.  Thanks in advance for listening and trying to help me.  I don't know where else to turn.

My fiancee (now ex-fiancee, I guess) is 37 and I'm a 47-year-old female.  We've been together 3 years, engaged for over a year, and we have lived together for 2 1/2 years.  I'll call him John. John and I have built a good life together...a beautiful home that we share, my teenaged son who loves him and vice-versa, two dogs, white picket fence, the whole works.  A life that he's never had before, never thought he'd have.

Here's the story: We live in a state that John hates.  He's only here because this is where I lived when we met and I have a teenaged son who is happy here and I can't move til he graduates high school and gets off to college (less than 2 more years). I always told John I'd move with him as soon as my son was off to college. John has always been miserable here...hates the people, his job, his boss, the redneck attitudes, the weather...everything.  But he's stayed because he loves me and my son.  However, over the past few months, our relationship has hit a rough patch.  I never thought it was going to be the end for us, I always figured we'd work through it, because we loved each other.  Meanwhile, about the same time, John's younger brother and sister who live up North (where John is from and where he has been longing to return) both started having alot of problems.  Marital, depression, financial...all kinds of stuff.  They are much younger than he is, and he raised them after their parents died.  Now they are all adults.  But his brother asked him to return north to help him out financially...in spite of the fact that John and I were engaged and had built a life together.  I was floored when John admitted to me that he was considering going.  (And never did the word "temporarily" get mentioned!) He was waffling back and forth, couldn't decide what he wanted to do, this went on for weeks.  Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and had to take control of my own future.  I figured that if he didn't KNOW he wanted to be with me, he needed to leave.  So I gave him back his ring and told him to go.  And he took me up on that.

A part of me wonders if he wasn't purposely trying to push me into making the decision for him.  Or if he was considering it because he hates living here so much and, since we'd been having problems, our relationship was no longer enough to keep him here, he saw his way out.  He said that, besides helping out his siblings, he needed time to get his head together and make absolutely sure if we were meant to spend our life together, and to make sure that he loved me "in the right way".     

That was over a month ago.  We'd decided that he would stay until Oct. 31st so that he could give notice at his job, get some money set aside, do some things around the house to help me get it ready to sell (because I can't afford it without him).  The strange thing is that, since he decided he was leaving, our relationship has been wonderful.  We enjoy each other's company more, we communicate much better, the sex has been amazing...almost like when we first started dating.  Lately he's also been saying that he hopes that I won't start dating right away because he wants the opportunity to come back once he gets things figured out.  He also said he'd send money to help with the mortgage payment because he doesn't want me to sell the house yet because it's where he wants to live if he comes back.  He obviously wants to keep the coming back option open.  He tells me that he loves me several times every day, he's doing things to help make his departure easier and prepare me (home repairs, talking to my son about stepping up and helping out, getting big chores done in advance, etc...)  When we talk about being apart, he gets very sad, and has even cried a few times when we've discussed it.  But he's still leaving.  He truly believes that this is something he has to do.  When he talks about the possibility of his coming back, it's never guaranteed that he will and there is no time frame on it.  I am beginning to think that it's more about figuring out if he and I are right together than it is helping his siblings, although he talks equally about both.  He says he needs to figure out why he has a life-long history of running away whenever his life gets happy and settled.  He had a really bad childhood, by the way, passed around by uncaring, drug-addicted parents, very poor, and being stuck raising his siblings.  I had a good upbringing, plenty of love and I'm from a fairly wealthy family.  I have a college degree, he doesn't.  Not that it matters to me, just thought it might be important to your answer.

I need to add one more thing here.  I caught him a few days ago texting with an ex-girlfriend who lives up North where he is going.  I had been uneasy about this "friendship" since she found him on Facebook 6 months ago, and I made that clear to him.  She was openly and actively pursueing him.  So he was secretly communicating with her for the past couple of weeks (so he says) because he didn't want to hurt me and he knew I'd be upset.  He says that he is not at all interested in her romantically, but he had gone to her for advice about our relationship because she's known him for over 20 years and knows his history of running away when he's got a good life going, and just wanted to talk to her as an old friend.  When I found out, it was a huge blow-up and originally I asked him to leave immediately.  After things calmed down, he begged me to let him stay until Oct. 31st as planned because he wanted to spend every minute of that time trying to rebuild my trust in him, to convince me that I'm the only woman he loves, the only woman he can see himself with, and that he made a stupid mistake for which he's very sorry.  He told me that he will never contact her again, no more communication with her ever, if it meant that I'd still consider leaving the door open for him to possibly return once he's "figured things out".  Of course, once he leaves, I'll have no way of knowing what he's doing, so I'll have to take him at his word.  But he made a pretty good case when telling me that he's not interested in her at all and he has never once, in our three years together, given me any reason to doubt his honesty and faithfulness.  

So, now you have the story.  I assume that, once he leaves, he and I will only have contact by phone.  There have been no plans made for us to see one another...at least not yet.  He did ask me to come up for Thanksgiving, but I'd already made other plans (and I kinda thought he was just asking me out of guilt because he thought I'd be alone, since my son is with his dad on Thanksgiving).  But there are no concrete plans at this point for us to see one another, no definite plans for him to return.  Just his constant reassurance that he loves me (but still needs to figure out if he loves me "in the right way"), his sadness and tears when we talk about being apart, and his need to make things right for me in his absence, and his hopes that I will keep the door open to allow him to return.

In your opinion, is this a man who might seriously be considering coming back to me?  Or is his talk of possibly returning and hoping I won't start dating right away just a way of keeping a Plan B in place in case things don't work out when he leaves?  Is this a relationship worth saving or should I just let it go when he leaves?  It'll be hard...I love this man with all my heart and truly looked forward to spending our entire life together, and it'll be a long healing process...but I will survive it.  I guess I just need someone's opinion on whether I should hold on to hope and wait for him, or should I just move on?  And two more questions for you:  do you think that being apart will be good for us, as in "absence makes the heart grow fonder", make him miss and want me enough to come back, or does absence make the heart forget?  And, lastly, can you suggest any specific behavior, any certain way that I should act to behave when we talk that might encourage him to come back to me??  Thanks for listening.  I really needed to get his out.  I look forward to your reply.  Best, Cindy  

Answer
Hi Cindy,

Wow, I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you dealing with such a crossroads in your relationship.  Your 3 year relationship is hinging on whether or not he can figure out which road to take.  He's built a good life with you, but he still has a question mark about whether it is "right".

Also, I think you have a great attitude knowing you will survive no matter the outcome.

The difficult thing about this is that there are always questions about the road not taken.  Everyone is afraid they might make the wrong choice in a partner or other life decision.  

The thought of making the wrong choice is very frightening.  There are just too many factors to consider.  Did we move to fast?  Will we grow at the same pace?  Will the things that make him/her fun and interesting grow old with time?  What if we don't make it?  It can be very overwhelming.

The fear of making the wrong choice keeps far too many women and men from making any choice.  But failing to make a choice is making a choice.

That said, he seems to be dealing with a lot of "what ifs".  He's not happy with where you live but what if his choice to move back isn't the right one?

You might handle this situation by addressing his fears. - Yes, you understand he has doubts about where his life is heading.  Many people feel that way wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere, particularly when you hit a rough spot.  You can understand that to a degree, and you want someone who is decided or at least resolved to work through things, not someone with their foot out of the door every time things get rough.  Things are going to get rough, it's moving through rough times into a better place that makes it worth it.  You feel he is someone you can do that with though he isn't sure.

However, asking you to wait and hold the door open is unrealistic.  Naturally, you will wait for a time because it will take time to break away emotionally, but once the door closes, there may be no opening it again.  That is the risk he is taking.  Let him know it is a REAL risk.  Since you will not know where he is dating or not, you can't guarantee that you won't.  If he isn't going to make an effort to keep the relationship going, it won't.

As for distance and the effect it has, it can go either way.  You might have to wait and see how this unfolds when he moves out.  Just remember that you deserve the best.  If you believe and have faith in that, you will attract it.  Let your actions guide you according to that mindset.  

Best of Luck,


Lanay Stockstill
Helping Women Find & Keep the One