Expert: Azure - 10/18/2009

Question
Hello, and thanks so much in advance for trying to help me.  I'll try to give you the short version.  My fiancee is 37, I'm 47.  Been together 3 years, engaged for over a year, although I recently broke off the engagement.  We live together.  For about 2 more weeks.  We live in a state that he hates...he's only here because this is where I lived when we met and I have a teenaged son who is happy here and I can't move until he's out of high school in 2 years.  But he's always been miserable being here and being away from his home and family.  My former fiancee, whom I'll call John, was raised in the North and his family is still there and he's been longing to return.  I have always told him that I'll move north with him as soon as my son graduates high school and leaves for college.  John has a younger brother & sister up North whom he raised after their parents died.  His brother & sister have both been dealing with alot of problems recently (depression, marital, lots of financial issues, maybe alcoholism).  At the same time, John and I hit a rough patch in our relationship.  When his brother asked him to return home to help him out with some financial issues, he admitted to me that he was considering it.  I was completely thrown by this because we were engaged to be married and, even if we were having problems, we still loved each other and I couldn't believe he'd leave.  And he wasn't saying "temporarily" either.  Anyway, John couldn't make up his mind what to do, wasn't committed to leaving me, but felt the draw to go home and help the siblings.  Plus, I think, he was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel which would allow him to leave the South, his job, his boss, everything he hates here.  Finally I couldn't take his waffling anymore, couldn't live with the indecision, needed to take control of my own future, so I gave him back his ring and told him he needed to go.  Probably a mistake, in retrospect, but that's what I did.

That was over a month ago.  From the beginning, we had planned on Oct. 31st being his last day here, giving him time to give notice at his job, see his doctors, help me get our house ready to sell (because I can't afford it alone), plus I think he just wants to spend as much time with us as he can before leaving.  His mind is made up...he's going.  But lately he's been saying that he might want to come back.  He says he needs time to figure out if I am the right woman for him to spend his life with, if he loves me enough for that.  Plus time to get his family sorted out, and to figure out why he always runs whenever his life is happy. He did ask me if he could stay a couple of extra weeks but I told him NO, I needed to get on with the business of healing and he needs to get on with the business of figuring out what he wants and what will make him happy. But the thing is...he tells me he loves me every single day, he is doing lots of things to help prepare me for his departure to make things easier on me (repairs and talking to my son about stepping up in his absence, etc...), he seems to be very sad about leaving us, and often says that we are "his family" and that he wants to get his head straight in hopes of returning to us.  No guarantees, though, and no time frame.  Not even any definite plans about seeing one another in the interim (he did invite me up for Thanksgiving, but I'd already made other plans).  Our relationship has improved greatly in the month since we decided to split...we are enjoying each other's company more than ever, the sex is better than it's been in ages, we talk and communicate more.  It's crazy.  But he's still leaving to figure things out.

This might be a good place to add that I did catch him texting with an ex-girlfriend who also lives up North recently.  We had a huge falling out over it.  When we finally calmed down, he asked me to please let him stay til Oct 31st as planned because he wants all the time he needs to make this right with me.  He said he knew it was a mistake and he shouldn't have done it because he knew it would hurt me.  This woman has been actively pursueing him since she found him on Facebook 6 months ago.  He said he was just talking to her for advice because she's known him for over 20 years and she knows his history of running away whenever his life is finally settled and happy.   He apologized to me over and over and said that if it meant that I'd consider taking him back when he returns, he promises never to speak with her again.  Of course, once he's gone I can't know what he does, so I'd have to take him at his word.  He swears he's not interested in her romantically and says that he's told her that.  During the years we've been together, he's never given me any reason to doubt his honesty and faithfulness, but this contact by the ex has made me uneasy from the start and he knew that, I told him, which is why he hid the fact that he'd been talking to her for the past couple of weeks about our problems.  I'm still not feeling good about that.   

My question, after all this rambling on, is how do I get him to come back?  What can I do?  My assumption is that, for the immediate future anyway, our only contact will be by phone.  Unless at some point he suggests I come for a visit, or vice-versa, we won't be seeing one another.  Is there any certain behavior that I can do when we talk which will encourage him to return?  And sooner rather than later?  I love this man with all my heart.  Please give me some ideas on how I can get him back.  Thanks for listening.  Cynthia

Answer
"get him back.."?...not exactly the healthy mindset at this point, and indicative of insecurity/dependence; the guy is essentially leaving the relationship,  a good chance he'll be seeing this other woman, has a bit of guilt that's made him nicer, but essentially has made a self-serving decision that would never happen if he sufficiently valued the relationship; so, your choices are to wait patiently on the sidelines, thinking of ways to coax him back, while he "finds himself" and enjoys his new freedom, with no plan of return, or, accepting that he's walked away from the relationship, meaning it's over (he doesn't get to put it on ice indefinitely), refocusing on YOUR life, goals, meeting/dating others, lowering expectations to zero, not accepting less than you deserve, and not gving up self-esteem--your choice..thanks for appreciating the objectivity...ps..i'm not a "she"--have to be careful when making assumptions...