Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/18/2009

Question
There's a guy that I have been "talking to" for almost a year now. He sees me as a friend with benefits, he likes me, but he's sprung on a girl that's playing him, I mean she has 3 other boyfriends (not including hin), but he's too blind to see! Anyway, I have strong feelings for him and I think if he would give me a chance we would be great together. Now he's attacked to me...no doubt about it. But how do I attrack him romantically?

Answer
Hello Jasmine!

Let's start by getting the mistakes most girls make out of the way.

Most girls (that frankly, don't know any better) start playing games at this point thinking that they'll cause the guy to change his focus. Instead, what always happens is that the girl simply forces the guy even harder into the other girl's arms!

These games include: playing hard-to-get, misdirection (saying one thing and doing another), setting up dates and then canceling at the last minute, not answering the phone when he calls, throwing imaginary boyfriends in the guys face, denying him sex and many, many others.

I'm sure you know all these games!

You're not going to do that however. You want this guy so you're going to be SMART about things instead, right Jasmine?

Good...Here's what you need to know:

First, when you say "friends with benefits" I hope you mean "sex". That's a very important component here. Why? Simple: if the guy isn't looking for sex - especially when he's around this girl, he's not going to have the strong motivation to chase her! That's the very first "rule": take care of him sexually.

That doesn't mean you have to sleep with him every single time you see him, but at the very least, give him a blowjob or handjob or whatever. Don't let him leave being with you without this relief! Guess what you're actually doing here? You're causing him to associate YOU with his strongest need: sex.

You do not want to dominate his time, but you should be working to see him at least 2-3 times a week. Why? Well, the first reason is to handle him sexually, but the second reason is to begin to create a habit in him. For instance, let's say that you and he simply expected to be together during the up-coming holidays. Isn't that a "relationship"? Absolutely it is!

Next, you need to get to know this guy extremely well. I'm not talking about his history and background although those are good things to know too. Instead, you want to get to know him deeply, emotionally and spiritually. Why? Simple: you need to know these things because it's going to tell you what exactly he's looking for in his life.

As you discover these "needs" of his (for instance, what does he want from a girlfriend? What does he see as being her roll in his life? How does she represent him and the relationship itself? etc.) you want to "become" this woman to him!

You want to pick up those rolls as your own.

Think about this for a minute: he can be attracted to anyone he wants to be. In fact, we are all attracted to others even when we're in committed, monogamous relationship, right? So what keeps us from simply chasing that other person? Answer: it's the fact that all (or most) of our needs are being met by our primary partner!

Finally, what's going to happen as you start doing this, is that he's going to start returning it to you as well. You'll start to see him investing too - not because of feeling obligated, but because he wants to return to you. If you're giving him everything he wants and needs, eventually, he's going to be afraid of losing you!

So, you become this woman to him and *bingo*!! You have him and the relationship you want to have.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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