Expert: Rhapsody Love - 11/26/2009

Question
I suffer a bit from the ugly duckling syndrome. I was unattractive as a child, and have grown into a much more attractive woman. Nevertheless, the low self esteem still plagues me. I am almost 30 now, and I have yet to have a long term relationship with a good partner. I don't know if I pick the wrong ones or make goods ones bad because of my esteem. The last one told me I wasn't the girl for him, but kept coming back (even though I wasn't sleeping with him after that, I'm pretty sure thats why) and I allowed this until a recent explosive ending. My question is how can I determine if it is my choices in men that are hurting me, or how I act in the relationship, so I can find a good man and have a healthy relationship? And how can I get past the old hurts and baggage to do this? Thanks a lot?

Answer
Renee,

If you know you have a self-esteem problem, work on yourself first. Even if you choose the right man and behave the best you can, your self-esteem is going to color your perception of the relationship and thus adversely affect it, IMO. There are many good books that can help you work on your self esteem.

It's been several years now since I did my work, which I did with a professional counselor. The professional counselor helped me to see things I couldn't see in myself. If you can't afford this, possibly there is a support group in your religious organization or health care community that could help with this. I didn't allow a therapist to manipulate me into too many sessions that moved along slowly - I found books in the public library that helped me consider what I needed work on and then used that information in my sessions by asking my counselor questions or discussing my thoughts about what I read. This helped me see where my strengths and weaknesses were and work on my weaknesses while feeling better about myself through the recognition of my many strengths. It sounds like this sort of thing would help you, too. If you have trouble finding time for reading, try audio books.

Besides self-help psychology-type books, I liked personality-typing books that helped me see what "type" I was and what "type" might be good for me (I put that in quotes because no one fits any box fully as we're all individuals, but it can be a useful tool). Enneagram and Myers Briggs (or Keirsey) are good typing tools and there are many writers on the subject - you might try Elizabeth Wagele's books which include humorous illustrations for starters.

When you feel better about yourself, it'll be easier to have a healthy relationship with a man. And once you know more about yourself, it'll be easier to decide what you're looking for in a long-term relationship.

As far as getting by the old hurts and baggage, it may seem like a cliche, but time does help. Try not to put expectations on an individual. Our minds automatically judge (thus we're "prejudice"), but being aware of this, we can try to have a more open mind about an individual. The next relationship may not be the life-long one, so don't go into a relationship with that expectation. Go into it with a feeling of adventure and the enjoyment of getting to know another person more fully. You will grow as you get to know more people and learn about and from them. When you find someone who is right for you, you can let yourself become more fully involved in the relationship. Explore with him what he wants for his future and how your dreams for your future and his could work together. If you have a vision of that and share it with him in a non-threatening way, he might embrace that vision, too.

Good luck!

- Joyce