Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/12/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
I'm Rose. I'm 21 and a Taurus. =)
My friends often describe me as: Smart, Goofy, silly, cute, fun, sweet, i even was called Divine.. haha!

I would describe myself as a free spirit,intelligent, an open book, confident and content with my size..

i am a plus size beauty.. haha! i guess thats one way to put it..
i just wonder sometimes if i'm just kidding myself.. i feel pretty (not all the time, but i try to be at peace with my body)

to alot of my friends i am the "innocent" one.. I have never had a long term relationship, i am a virgin, i am just the gentle type.. i just feel like ai have alot to offer a guy.. i just don't know how to attract them..
Please Help!! =)

- Rose

ANSWER: Hello Rose!

Are you asking for help or are you writing a personal ad?   ;)

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time (as all good stories begin) a man invented an incredible new mousetrap. That mousetrap was the best thing anyone had ever seen. His friends all marveled at how it worked - how efficient it was and how elegant was it's design.

He decided the price for the trap would be $15 - certainly worth something so beautiful and functional! Then, he set to building thousands of them for the customers that would surely want to buy one. After all, it was the best mousetrap ever invented!

When his friends would tell him how great it was, he'd want to show them all the fantastic, innovative machinery and craftsmanship and how quickly it did it's work.

Unfortunately, nobody bought even a single one of them! He began to think that the world must be crazy! How could people not want to own one of his incredible new mousetraps? Maybe the world was against him! He set out to show people just how great the trap was and held demonstrations and put on entire shows - all explaining how great his trap was. Everyone that saw it continued to rave about it, but still nobody bought.

After all of his work, he wound up not selling a single one. Eventually, he went broke and died penniless.

Why not? Simple: he never discovered that people might be impressed with his design, but they could still go down to the store and buy a mousetrap that worked just fine for $1. He didn't know his target market.

I sense that is where you are Rose. You don't know your target market either.

You listen to your friends tell you all these great things about yourself - and you accept it and even happily tell me these same things. Are these other girls your "target market"? No, I don't think they are.

My point is, you don't really know what your target market wants and thus, you want to extol all these great things people tell you that you are without knowing what your market wants in the first place.

If you want to get this solved, that's the first thing you're going to need to do. I'm glad you're at peace with your body size. This continues to be a message that the new media is telling women: "You're just great however you are! Be proud of it!"

That's all fine and dandy, but the problem is that while it feels great to believe it, your target market doesn't agree! That's why you haven't "sold" a single relationship in your 21 years.

Rose, I'm sure you're all of the things you've said. The problem is that; unless you're able to find guys that prefer larger women (and here in the US, that's frankly, a pretty small market), you're not going to be able to convince any guy that you're a good choice for him if he can't get past your size. In effect, he'll never be able to discover all the great things you have to offer him if he can't see past your packaging. All the marketing in the world isn't going to change that.

In the US, being large equates to many negative things: being lazy, not taking care of one's self (the assumption being that you don't care enough about yourself to do that), being unhealthy (physically, but maybe mentally too!) and others. It might be that none of these things are true at all, but that's the IMPRESSION that people have. Impressions are real things.

So, that leaves you with two choices:

1) Seek out only guys that prefer large women, or,
2) Change your packaging to expand and fit your target market.

There are websites devoted to men that enjoy larger women and this is one possible avenue for you. The other option is to just wait around for someone like this to notice you. The latter could be a long wait. During that wait, you can also be working on your flirting skills:

* Learn to make eye contact and hold it just a little too long, then look down and to the side. This is a "submissive gesture" that SOME guys pick up - but not all. Further, you may have to do it a few times to get the message across.

* Learning to smile with a pretty, engaging smile that says, "I won't bite - come say hello!"

* Being out around guys so that they can find you; while being careful about only hanging out in "girl packs". The maximum number of girls that should ever be out together is 3 and 2 is even better. If you go out with friends, you might want to break up into smaller packs as these are easier to approach by guys.

* Be careful about surrounding yourself with small friends! It makes you look larger.

* Face the action so you can see and be seen.

* Make sure your arms are uncrossed and that your posture faces the center of the room.

As well, there are a number of ways YOU can approach guys by the way! It's unfortunate that so many guys simply don't know how to approach women! Thus, I have an entire e-book on how women can do this FOR the guys. You can check out my website: http://BeingAMan.com for more on this book.

The other option is to get to work on your physical features. It's not exactly fair, but the reality is this: at 21, this is the best you're ever going to look. Your looks are your "dating currency". Likewise, a man's "dating currency" is his power. Whereas your looks will begin to fade, a man's continues to grow throughout his life. Like I said, it's not fair, but those are the realities.

Thus, you want to maximize your look! If you don't want to do anything about your size, then you have to be very careful about your dress, hair and make-up. Learn to make these work for you.

If you DO choose to work on your size (and frankly, this is the easiest time in your life to do so - it gets tougher as you get older) getting on a healthy regimen of diet and exercise is a proven way to do this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I'd like to thank you for the "Tough Love"..
I guess it's only in a womens world where her personality can take her to great heights.
I kinda feel like I have been fed lies all these years.. Like my Mother told me what I wanted to hear because, well.. she is my mom.
I feel so naive..

Thank You!
-Rose


Answer
Hello again Rose!

Yes; you're right about it only being in a woman's world that personality is king (queen?) The good news, is that is exactly what this has become - a woman's world!  ;)

There's often a huge divide between what we want to be true and what is really true. Take a look at Dove's "Real Beauty" campaign for instance. (http://snipurl.com/t7wsd)

On one hand they "expose" the unrealistic images of women in the media and on the other they promote the idea that larger, older, imperfect women can be "beautiful" - and they can by the way! This isn't a discussion on beauty image here. In fact, Dove knows it's market very well and has been very successful with the campaign - to women.

Now, take a look at a successful marketer to men. You can use Playboy, Maxim Magazine, the WMA (wrestling), ESPN and others that focus primarily on men. They too have been "successful" and promote a rather different concept. You have to look at these marketing efforts to determine who has a better "message" for you.

It's great to believe that the world should prefer larger women. (In fact, Dove's campaign isn't about large women at all - it's about average women!) However, women (their market) is NOT your market! Playboy's market essentially is and that's where you might want to be getting your message. Again, I'm not approving or disapproving of either one. I'm just trying to point you in the right direction.

I want you to look at one more message.

About a year ago, we did a segment on my show called "Porn Star Makeover". It was very well received by our audience. Basically, we took my co-host; a basically pretty "girl-next-door" type and had a professional make-up artist come in and re-do her with porn star make-up.

You can see the before and after images here:

http://beingaman.tv/artemis.asp (There are additional photos - including the transformation - in the gallery by the way.)

Interesting, but that's not the point I wanted to make. The artist that did the work is named "Artemis". She is the beauty editor of "Plus Model Magazine" (http://PlusModelMagazine.com) and is herself a very large woman. You can see her website here: http://www.makeupbyartemis.com.

If you want to learn how to maximize your (larger) assets, these are good places to start. If you want to focus on men that prefer the more "average" women the choice has to be to change your frame itself.

Ultimately, this is simply a choice.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"