Expert: Rhapsody Love - 11/25/2009

Question
I've been seriously dating a guy for almost a year who is 40 and has a 17 yr old son. I'm 43. We have been acquaintances since high school. His cousin is my best friend and I was also friends with his aunt and parents before dating him. We got reacquainted on our own at a church function but everyone was thrilled as he and I both have been unlucky in love. When I try to think of things I'd change about him, the only thing I come up with is that I wish he'd be more open to letting other people do things for him. He loves to give but isn't good at receiving. Even that characteristic is not a deal breaker. I think he is wonderful and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He said he felt the same. And here is the BUT. . .His son lives with him because he is more than the mom can handle. He has gotten into trouble with the law, runs away, and now is taking prescription pills and almost overdosed a couple of times. The father (I'll call him John) was pretty much in denial for a long time but I think he now sees more clearly the extent of the problem and realizes it is something he can't fix. Anyway, several weeks ago, John broke up with me because of the son. He said between his son, who is priority one, and work, he was overwhelmed. He had also been sick. I could empathize. However, he went on to say that he didn't feel that same about me and that I didn't deserve to be hurt or neglected. He said it was not about me at all but something had changed and he just didn't have any answers about anything. We went for awhile with no communication and then ended up talking about four hours. In that conversation, he said he loved me but he didn't and for me to hang on but that I should find someone better for me. He contradicted himself many times. I didn't know anymore when the call ended. Since the call, he invited me to his house saying he didn't feel like being alone after the son got sent to rehab. Then, another time he invited me over after the son came home and I helped with homework. In a way it was like it used to be but still not normal. We sit next to each other, might hold hands briefly as we talk but no kisses and no "I love you's". I don't call him. I don't drive by. I've only emailed a couple of times to give information I thought he needed. I have a key to his house still and a few items at his house--flower gardening tools, cookware, etc. Nothing I can't live without. And, he still has my pictures displayed. This past weekend, I went out of town to stay with my best friend and he called to ask me to dinner. There was no way I could drive back in time so I had to decline. I thought it might have worked out for the best even though I was dying to spend time with him. I have not heard from him since. I just want things to be back the way they were or better. He says I'm all he has been praying for but, at the same time, he questions our relationship. I understand that being with John includes his son but that is fine. I love them both. I just keep hearing the message that I am too nice of a person to be hurt but the separation hurts. I am a strong person even though it may not be obvious and I want to go through whatever John goes through as a team. I've told him this. What can I do to get him back full time in my life? I'm always positive and encouraging when I talk to him. I guess I don't understand how his life could be so much better and so much easier without me. I feel like I have given him the ample space he seems to need.

Answer
Renee,

Is it possible he ("John") is depressed? He sounds depressed to me since he contradicts himself and all (though I'm not a doctor or licensed therapist). He's under a lot of stress with his work and son and depression is often a result of stress. Men don't like to go to the doctors usually. Could you suggest it? You care about him and he cares about you and you belong together, so you should just insist. Life is so much easier when 2 people are supporting each other.

His son needs something, too. If you're willing to be there for him, then family counseling could help, even if you're not living together. It's now more popular to have family counseling before marriage - to help make sure you can make it together. Sometimes a church will offer something like that, but if not, maybe you can find something through yours/his health insurance company (even though they may not pay, at least for you, though at least the son should be covered since he's had a problem, assuming his father has him covered). Hopefully he'll figure out a way to make the time even with the demands of his job.

He may say that you don't deserve him (or what he's going through) and you just tell him back that you don't deserve to be denied love from someone you love. And whatever he comes back with, you come back with something else that tells him he is not charitable to you to let you go - he's being selfish (and yet you know he's not really because he's not fully taking care of himself when he also needs you and probably medical/mental health care).

I hope you work it out. Good luck!

- Joyce