Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/22/2009

Question
Dear Dr. Dennis,
Please help me with your opinion and advice.
I’ve met this guy on dating site. I sent him first message, he replied right away and after few days we met each other. I think we like each other from the first moment. We are both in our early 40s, didn’t marry, without kids and live 20 minutes from each other...
I’ve just read what you answered to one girl about other girls who play games (“playing hard-to-get, misdirection (saying one thing and doing another), setting up dates and then canceling at the last minute, not answering the phone when he calls, throwing imaginary boyfriends in the guys face, denying him sex and many, many others…’) and I wonder does this guy plays similar games with me or he simply is not into me… It’s sad, but I lost parameter and criteria what is the normal beginning of relationship and what is the game.  
I will explain you the dynamic of our relationship:  we saw each other every two-three weeks, he texting me every night, we don’t speak over the phone, so far we had sex two times (I needed a time to know him a little bit better) – first time was akward a little bit, second much, much better…
I must say that after he has meet me he continue to change his profile and pictures on that dating site and said few time that that site doesn’t work for him because he didn’t meet anyone!!! That sentence hit me a lot and then I continue to be online and chat with my friends…
Sometime he easily make a date with me and sometimes he’s putting me on vague position and he is kinda unsure does he wants or no to see me… Few times he said he fell asleep…
Everything I describes sounds pretty poor, but in my defence I must say that when we are together I don’t stop laughing at his jokes. He doesn’t stop talking and he is the super charming man who entertain me all the time… He is very gentle with me and every time when we are together I enjoy looking his face because he seems to be really happy with me… We both have kinda similar sensibility, we like kissing each other, holding hands, coddling… Everything is fine when we are together (actually he was the first who noticed and said that) and he really looks super happy, but then, he doesn’t want to see me for next one, two, three weeks... Also, I think he moved every conversation to sexual contest...
Also, speaking about his hangover he let me know that he was at two parties during the weekend (that was the esence of message, not his hangover). I noticed that he didn't invited me go with him...  

It seems he doesn’t allow any further development of relationship and (with my bad past experience of cheating and emotional abuse in relationships# I’m now horrified. I have so opposite thought about him - from the best to total destructive and now, I think, I lost the real picture of everyhting… After my past destructive relationships I need to be in a healthy one, however I think I ‘m repeating my past and that possibility petrify me… Or maybe my past preventing me to see a present and find a really good guy... I asking myself did I step #not intentionally) into 'friends with benefits' relationship, because that wasn't my goal and intention. Please, help me!
P.S. I forgot to tell you that I saw him taking some small pill in front of me and when I ask him about that he didn't want to tell me what was that.

Answer
Hello Mia!

Wow - you HAVE been reading, haven't you!    ;)

The simple answer to your first question is no - guys don't play these same games. The slightly more complicated answer is this: SOME guys play them, but only if they are very, VERY insecure. Women play them for different reasons however; usually not insecurity!

As far as the pill, it would be good to know what it was simply to know if he's self-medicating. Much of his actions might be due to being drugged rather than his real intentions; but the bottom line is this: he doesn't see you in the same way you see him. He's looking for something - and someone - else.

If you enjoy having sex with him and having the occasional chat and maybe drink, he's fine for now, but if you're looking for something more solid, he's not your guy.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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