Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/31/2009

Question
QUESTION: I've had 3 children to 3 different men, all of whom were violent, psychologically abusive or sleeping with other woman.  The first male I was in love with so much, but he was never in love with me.  He slept with other woman behind my back or in the next room, he continuously called me a SLUT, he would sleep with me then disown me, he would try to make me sleep with his friends or tell all his friends I'd already slept with other guys.  I couldnt go out anywhere.  My parents hated him, and I didnt care.  I ended up pregnant with our first child and I left him.  the second one I have no real memories of him as he was sleeping with his ex behind my back and I found out because she turned up on my doorstep.  That was the first time I'd met her.  The third one was an alcoholic who was molestered by his father when he was a child and ended up raping my eldest daughter at 10 of which I've only been made aware of.  He was physically abusive towards me in the last 2 years of our relationship of 12 years.  As you can see I have trouble with men, I've heard the saying  "You attract who you are".  I've had my fair share of downturns, but I miss the company of a person whom I can share time with.  There is a gentlemen whom I've met in a totally different area from my town in fact 500miles away.  He's very gentle in his speech and very clear about what he means. He plays sport and he travels around the world giving speeches.  He's a great dresser and when he has time out, he's very humble about watching some tv.  He drinks alcohol but tell me one male who dosent, he has great supportive friends.  He seems greatly interested in me but then seems that he dosent want to be with me either.  He makes advances towards me then shys away.  I certainly dont want to race into anything as I havent been in a relationship for 7 years now.  I took time off for me and to get myself straight and to be with my children fully, however I feel like this could a worthwile journey to explore.  I still have hang ups about my past and I need to leave this behind me and put some trust in others which is difficult for me.  What else could I be looking for in a man who's good for me?  What type of activities might I try and invite him to without being too forward.  How could I ask him if he's the slighest bit interested in me???  I don't want the BIG reject but I don't want to ASSUME either.  Hope you can support me.  Thank you

ANSWER: Hello Noeleen!

First of all, you've hit the nail on the head, so to speak. The common denominator in all 3 of these bad relationships was you.

I'm afraid what you're looking for now however isn't much healthier. You're not looking for a man that you deserve because you've earned anyone in particular, you're looking for a man to save you. Frankly, it doesn't matter what man you choose and it doesn't matter what his acumen or personality or habits are - no man can do this for you. You have to do it for yourself.

Now comes this guy that's 500 miles away! Seriously Noeleen, how can that ever work out? Answer: it can't and it won't. The reality is this: long-distance relationships are fraught with problems and never work out. Further, they tend to end very, very badly.

The only one that knows if he likes you is him. He's obviously investing in you to some degree, but with problems with the LDR are far too huge to make this a viable opportunity for you.

Continue to work on yourself. Continue to fix this need to be abused and mistreated by the men in your life and when you come to the point that you deserve to have that solid, healthy, quality relationship in your life, it will appear - almost by magic.

In the meantime, please don't set yourself up for more heartache by going after this LDR.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am greatful for your advice.  I understand that I need to do something for myself, however I'm not sure what that is.  I don't know what love is.  My upbringing was about my parents screaming at each other and to this day they still do that, but I admit that the family for them comes first as well as paying bills as per normal families.  When I was younger my father was a violent man towards my mother and myself. It all stopped a time down the track.  I felt that my upbringing was that of Cinderella.  I felt I had no voice and I was afraid to speak to others in case I said something wrong.  I was ordered to do things around the home with no gratitude as the others often received.  If anything went wrong in the home, I was automatically blamed and I would be dealt with.  My mother couldn't save me but very often argued with my father about his behavior towards me versus the others.  He quite often put me down in front of others including family members.  When I first became pregnant he disowned me, then later when I wasn't coping as a parent he took my child for 17 years.  He filled her mind with the intentions that I was a bad mother.  During my teenage life I rebelled.  I would hang out with friends he thought were useless and to this day for the record she remains my best friend including all her family members. Yes I was drinking alcohol and was consuming drugs as well, more alcohol than drugs.  In fact drugs didn't work for me.  I was unemployed for a very long time.  I totally failed at school and everything that goes with the word study but managed to stay in the top basketball team then move into the reps squad for my hometown.  I suck at finance control.  I'm not a very settled person.  I have managed to remove drinking from my life.  I've been soba for 10 years now.  I've held down different jobs.  My last job was an Events Coordinator position.  I found out through correspondence study that I'm really good at office administration, but not finance administration.  I received a Diploma in Travel n Tourism for Travel Consultancy and I totally hate the job, but I moved to Outdoors Recreation Instructing and loved it.  I found I really enjoy computers and have a certificate of Level 4 Business Administration & Computing. I would like to go further with my education and I've tried to but I have no understanding of the language they use there.  I felt like a lost sheep in a very big crowd of intelligent people.  I need to spend more time with my children as they are older now but I guess that may want someone to talk with.  I have my eldest child with me and the other two are with their father.  My eldest is the rape victim and I love her to bits as much as my other children but it's hard for her to talk in relation to what she's feeling so I can only be patient with this.  She's invited me to a Counselling session with her so it's a start. I have really great friends as I did then who are at the top of where they could be in life and I'm glad they are roll models to me. Unfortunately in Sept this year I was made redundant.  I'm now trying to find other work but the competition in the city life finds it difficult for me to get work, any type of work.  I'm afraid that some old habits could creep in as I'm starting to stress financially.  I'm on an unemployment benefit and I've lost $500 in my weekly wages.  I'm not coping with this too well.  I won't talk to friends about things like this as I find it hard still to talk about any private issues, but they know I've finished work.  If this is doing it for myself then yes everyday I'm trying new methods of working on my inner self.  I feel that I'm getting older and I feel I should be in a better position for myself especially where my children are concerned.  I get tired of thinking about myself alot.  If I did that most times, lock me up for life!!!  I also get exhausted of thinking about what's going to happen next in this frustrating life of mine.  i don't even know if I can afford butter and bread next week.  it's not a great life at all, but I take responsibility for it and I admit to needing support in fixing it.  Is this what you mean by doing it on my own????  What else should I be doing???

Answer
Hello again Noeleen!

As I said before, you're looking for a man to come in an fix all these issues for you. The problem is that these guys have their own lives and their own issues to deal with just as you do. Life isn't easy for anyone except the rare few. However by dealing with all these things - often one at a time - you gain strength and self-reliance.

Much of what you've described comes down to self-control. For example, simply saying you're "not good" at controlling your finances continues to propagate that failure! In effect, it's an excuse for not being disciplined in managing money. There might be lots of reasons why this is true; for example, spending money on things may be a vehicle you use for self-worth (and remember, I can neither diagnose nor treat you via these messages - I'm simply using this as an example) but ultimately, it's an issue of having enough self control to say "no".

You have a lot of loose ends here and need to deal with those. By solving them and building your self-esteem, you are also becoming the partner for the man you want to have. I strongly encourage you to seek out some professional help; if for no other reason simply to gain perspective and guidance. A counselor can't solve the problems for you, but will give you some real help in seeing these issues for what they really are - simply events - not the foundation of who and what you are. As you gain that perspective, you'll also gain the tools to deal with them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"